Thanksgiving was yesterday

Some hae meat and canna eat, -
And some wad eat that want it;
But we hae meat, and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit.
~Robert Burns



Well I had a lovely day yesterday. We spent the morning watching the parade, cooking and hanging until it was time to go to Stephanie's parents house (Son's girlfriend). We had a great time, laughter, fellowship, good food and getting to know them a little better. We heard wonderful stories, and saw old photos and listened to old songs on a Victrola, and I felt blessed.

We went to the movies and then went home. It was a good day

It was hard not to compare it with last year. We had a good time but the friendship fell apart. That's tough to handle as I don't deal with loss well. I over think what happened, my part and theirs, It always turns up not good.

I have now lost a few relationships in my life. My husband was the first, then friends and loved ones. I am the only common part to these relationships. Is it me? Well of course it's me... I was out with a friend and I was venting a little and she said she could see a vision of arrows of assignments to try and take me out from the enemy. She said that their aren't a lot of people out there that really care and love with forgiveness and truth. I can forgive. God gave me a heart and a bad memory for pain !! I like people and I want people to forgive me when I mess up so I forgive as I probably mess up a lot.

I have been known for my passion, and my unending love. I don't give up on it. After 7 years of my husbands adultery I still choose to love him. I don't tell anyone anymore as they think I'm loopy, that I should move on but I don't. My husband divorced me this year after me trying to pray my way to reconciliation. He told me he loved me and always will but he is stuck in a relationship that he doesn't see any way out of. He just had a baby. Anyway that being said, I still choose to love him. I had a covenant marriage that means something. I am healed from the deep hurt and rejection to the most, there is residue but that is ongoing and I try to deal with it as it comes up. But I move forward but remember.

This time of year is always a time of remembering. He left at this time on our 19Th wedding anniversary, 6 years ago.
Some of my kids have gone to have Thanksgiving No. 2 with him today. They want a relationship with their father and brother and she seems to be part of the package. They struggle with this. One son went to the car show instead, they other wants to do the right thing and spend time with his dad. My daughter has pondered all day, finally going as her brother's girlfriend said she had to, and to get dressed. I love you Stephanie.

Anyway this is just normal, life is messy nowadays. To me it's surreal but I just take moment by moment. I don't think I'm numb just resilient. Things hurt, make me mad etc but this I leave to God to sort out as I have done everything I feel I can.

It's the little things that disarm me. For example, middle son's ex girlfriend messaged me today and the letter was filled with passive aggression and I was so mad and hurt and I wrote a letter saying what I thought, I didn't send it as I am the older wiser one yeah right. !!! But I get frustrated with myself and others. I wish I could be real. People don't like real, they like attention and to be prigged with, don't know English word, flazed over.... Why do we have to live with masks all the time, why can't we handle truth, boldness, in yer face stuff. We like to please not upset or be judged.

Life with Jesus is hard, not always for what He expects but what other Christians expect. Being "good all the time" I just want to be real but no no no that's not love. My brothers real but that has consequences as people's perceptions are difficult to handle and I just don't know if I could do it.

Today I have felt emotion, how to help my daughter in her struggle with her reality. She loves her dad but still doesn't want him to think she condones his relationship. But he seems to think that because she wants to be in baby Danial's life she has to be in Trudi's one, how does she communicate in love how she feels that will not happen. Then how do I vent to son number two that his ex is a pain in my neck, even though I really do care about her and her family, but think their passive aggression and not dealing with reality is a problem. Then there is oldest son. Such a blessing and Stephanie is so good.

Life, normal life that I was brought up with doesn't exist anymore but God does and He never changes. I still want to bless Him. Still want to do what he knows I can. It's the finding out what I am capable of with His help that's tough.

Well I still have Christmas to come. Now I'm sure that will be Joy to the world. I was helping out with the churches Christmas play and got a part instead. I'm scared but excited, I have never acted before, I'm Mrs. Job with a Scottish accent, should be interesting to say the least !!