Seasons of change

Alister McGrath:

Doubt and the Vain Search for Certainty

Faith has three main elements. In the first place, it is trust in God. It is a confidence in the trustworthiness, fidelity and reliability of God. It is about rejoicing in his presence and power, being open to his prompting and guidance through prayer, and experiencing the motivation and comfort of the Holy Spirit. It is a deep sense of longing to be close to God, of wanting to praise his name, of being aware of his presence. In many ways, this aspect of Christian faith is like being in love with someone: you want to be with them, enjoying their presence and feeling secure with them. It concerns the heart, rather than the head; it is emotional, rather than intellectual. It is the powerhouse of Christian life, keeping us going through the difficult times and exciting us during the good times.

I want a deeper relationship with Jesus one where I long to be in His presence all the time, I know that whatever I say to help make a difference in people's lives, has no depth or real power and meaning if God doesn't back it up with his anointing and presence. I realize I have nothing of worth to say if the Holy Spirit doesn't back it up.

I was watching Heidi Baker again last night, she is so in touch with Jesus she loves Him, I want that depth of reality in my life, that I don't just think about it but I live it out. I keep saying this but I fail. I am so puny in my walk. Living out the life of Christ in me isn't easy, I make too many mistakes but I keep going. I desire to keep going.

I have had some tremendous times with the Lord, He has shaken, rattled and bathed me in his power, but I just need His reality constantly, not just experiences but second by second communion.

He is so big, over time, before, during and into eternity! He can do anything but my puny mind can't grasp it. Faith without works is dead my faith is strong and weak, I try not to depend on feelings but I sometimes fail. Lord help my unbelief.

For example, Thanksgiving and Christmas is coming up, every year my circle or oicos changes. I have friends who are constant and friends who seem to be seasonal. They are not there all the time. I accept that but it makes life strange at this time of year. I am more blessed than some I know but I miss having that other, John, he was a pain but he was my pain, I like to snuggle and now I have to use pets, just not the same.

I believe God is all about relationship. He created us to have relationship with Him and each other. He thought it wasn't good for man to be alone. Who am I to argue. I liked being married. Having John was great when it was good. He divorced me this summer. I fought for 7 years. I have been with him since I was 16, he was my best friend before that. I can hardly remember a time I wasn't close to him. Now he is with another, he had a baby. He told me he loved me, he would always love me but couldn't see away out of this mess. I wonder if there will ever be real closure?

God is so real, yet I never seem to know if things will change. I felt this summer He told me to wait another 3 years. That would make it 10. Can I manage that. Not knowing just trying to scrape faith... That's not how we should stand. God expects more I believe. The great cloud of witnesses were so much more. Danial, David, Paul, Moses, Abraham mighty Esther now there was a woman that pleased God. I wonder if I will ever do anything to change my world. I know I have shown my family what to faithfully love means but is that enough. I want to be more than a conquer.

I am still in the grasp of control and lack of control, I still haven't got it all together. I don't feel as much self pity but I do feel as if I fail Him. Total freedom, do they only gain it in death. Some seem to have a handle on it. I just don't know, to be undone totally dependant on God is a higher level of commitment. I love Him but how much does that take. Is it about Him or us, is it for now, I believe from my interpretation of scripture that it is. Constant walking, believing, growing, communicating. Depends in and on Him who created us. Belief, a small word but a deep word. So much depends on it. Change comes from it.

Well I have been up since 3 am I need to stop, at least it's Saturday, I will love you and leave you as my old mam used to say x