People say I'm an open book...
When I was little I had no fear of making friends. We would go on vacation as a family camping and I would run off to play, coming back after a short time with a new best friend. I like people; I love getting to know all about them, their dreams, their thoughts and their goals. I especially like to ask them what their view of God is and how is their relationship with Him. I think it all ties into how I am in regards to the open book part of me. I believe to connect, you have to show the real you, the part that might be a little uncomfortable as it's not yet perfect and probably never will be.
In this technologically and socially driven world of Face book, cell phones giving you face-time, Skype and texts with video we are never alone, never far from connecting. I love it all but I love coffee and a chat better. I love to reconnect with my family and friends over Sunday lunch after church, it maybe my favorite time of the week.
I have been blessed with a wonderful family and great friends some of them I have adopted as family. Living in a different country you have to push yourself to build relationships. I love it. Over the last years I shied away a little more than I had done, but then after my healing, started to share my life again and the Lord has blessed me.
It's one of the reasons I write this blog sometimes sharing it and at others keeping it to myself so that I can express myself a little more freely. I write and my thoughts tumble out. The Lord often shows up in my writing. It's such a great place to be, I feel so free and I believe was all part of His plan to bring that freedom into fruition. I feel anticipation, an excitement when I write. Sometimes it's in my journal, or in one of my many notebooks, and sometimes here. I started a book, I published a photography book with my thoughts and poems, which I plan to expand and develop into what I know it can become.
Why do I write all of that, what are my dreams today?
I feel so loved. So cared for. Over the last few months my life has been turned inside out and upside down. I have many thoughts, many decisions, and many choices to make. But I feel so blessed as I know no matter what, God showed me perspective last night. It's not all about us. During prayer Cliff said God, help us to serve you and it was one of those moments that went thud, and dropped right into my spirit. We had been praying for leading, direction, wisdom in the many decisions we had to make. Where would we live, what job should we do, etc, and although I didn't feel overwhelmed as I believe wherever I will be I will be loved and in relationship and to me that is so important, it's what I need to be fully alive. But I felt that as is often the case we tend to get caught up in the small big stuff and forget about what God's purpose for us is, to serve Him, to be in relationship with Him.
What did He want of us?
That is a totally different ball game or mindset. Where we live is important but wherever that is we will be apart from family. I have chosen this many times but it's always a hard choice, it's never easy being far from family. This year I have had periods where my daughter was half across the world, where extended family became closer as they stayed with me, one son moved out, while the other son will be getting married soon and my daughter plans to move back and become a missionary. These are all, huge and come with heart ache but also so much blessing. To see growth and development into healthy adults is such a wonderful part of being a mother. I have hopefully spoken wisdom into their lives and have seen them become ready to fly and leave the nest. In my daughter's case I hope not for good but I left my home at 18 only to return for short times, so in reality may well be. (This makes me sad as I'm really not prepared for this quite yet but I know God has such great and wonderful experiences and growth in store for her and I gave Him her when she was born so I can't do anything but trust Him now) My life will change, whether it's to be alone for a while or to dream I don't know yet.
As I have shared I love taking photos, I believe my calling is to take God's photo. Through my art, I hope and dream of doing this. But I don't believe that is all I'm called to do. He gives us the desires of our hearts. I believe this totally. This is what gives me fulfillment, excitement, completeness. This is what brings me alive.
I am overwhelmed by His goodness.
Last week was a trying but wonderful week. I got to share more of my time with Cliff. I got to see the emotion, the raw and gritty, the real and I loved it. During Saturday morning I had time to reflect and I was overwhelmed by what was happening and I lost it a little. I chased rabbits all over the place, but in doing so God worked it out for the good. It opened a new part of my future life that I am so excited about. During my thought process I felt like bolting, but running away wouldn't accomplish anything but hurt. I chose to talk instead and Cliff had been doing some of his own talking. Honesty done with love is always a great combination. When we trust and ask and share and are open to the other I believe it allows God to move. Guess what? He did and prayers were answered and I feel so blessed.
Last night as Cliff and I talked he shared how he felt about me. I have never been filled with so much love. I felt like I could explode, that the balloon was being blown up and it was going to burst wide open, and all I could do was cry. I have read the book the five love languages and I feel as though my love tank has been running on empty for a long time. Not from God, or family and friends but in the man and women department. Cliff has a talent with words, with painting a picture with the spoken word which gets me deep inside. I believe and now dream for us not just me. Over the last few months I have started to consider both our families in my thought process. Patience and God's timing has allowed my heart to be filled with an excitement; a love that I know is growing deeper. I am an open book. I want this family to love me. I want to love this family. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity. John's family accepted me to a point, we had moments of connection I loved them but never felt completely part of their family. I feel this second chance is for more than just Cliff and I; it's for his family to become mine too. Is that naive? I hope not.
How does God want us to serve Him?
He is a God of relationship. He created us for His pleasure, to love us. When we connect to that love we just have to share it. When you spend time with someone the relationship gets deeper, more fulfilling, there's more connection, and love is a result. When you really want to get to know someone, when you want to show them they matter, that they have worth, that they are valued, love is a result.
It's a miracle. It's why we are here.
All through the bible God uses us to bring connection and relationship to His creation. He is love, when we share His love we share Him. In direct conflict is the devil he brings isolation and brokenness of relationship. He brings death where God creates life to the fullest. Jesus says it this way in John 10:10 (NKJV) The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. Isolation, loneliness, disconnection are all tools of the devil to steal who we were meant to be in and for God.
Whether it's in the work place where he tells us it's not personal it's just business, whether it's in friendship where he says you can't share that, they won't accept it, they'll judge you, they will reject you, that's too much, they'll think you are nuts, or in family when he says you can't interfere that's their business and none of yours, let them work it out. I'm not saying there's not a balance to all of these but ask yourself, what is the result in and for God's kingdom?
I chased the rabbit all the way to being alone, to losing everything. But that's another lie... Hebrews 13:5 (NKJV) Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Do you hear what that's saying? In others words, in your behavior, your achievements, don't be greedy for material stuff, don't try and get what others have but be satisfied with what you have. If you have nothing you will have plenty as He wont run off or give up on you, neither will He abandon you. It's not that stuff is wrong it's when it consumes your thinking, when it becomes the reason for your choices. When stuff becomes more important than people. The question is why do you work, live in that house, take that vacation, and do that activity? Is it just to try and fill a hole in your life, a need? Well that hole will only be filled with God. Nothing and no one else will complete you...
