My heart is beating faster and sweat broke out on my body but the things I've gone through should have prepared me for this event happening. I have to become independent some time and I really would like to not depend on someone who doesn't love me.
But my heart is still fearful of the unknown.
I have a God who personally cares, that's what I believe so I just have to continue to believe it. Kathryn raised money for YWAM with God's help. so I must step up to the plate and do the same thing.
But I'm still scared... Why? I have talent and encouragement and a family that loves me.
Up until John cheated I had a really secure life. I went from my dad's house to my husbands and I loved and was loved in return. Then the season of change arrived. This is the reason this blog was started... In writing my thoughts on how I try to reach freedom with my God. So this part just has to be the next part. I have to come to terms with that. John senior chose a life without me in it and I have to move on. It feels rather surreal even now that my best friend is married to another woman and has a son with her. His first family doesn't mean as much to him as it once did and in this day and age that is normal. People marry divorce and marry again. Except I didn't believe in that. I believed I married for good I supported my husband and he had his career and he supported us. I had a college education but chose to be a stay at home mother. After John left I went back to school and got another degree to teach social studies in high school and then substituted for experience. Then I was awoken one morning by God I believe, saying to me why didn't I follow my passion and do photography. You may think I'm crazy for doing that but I have loved taking pictures since I was 12.
God asked me to take His photo... Freedom Photography grew from there. I went back to school and for the last 2 years have been studying chemical, digital and film photography. I started out with a calling and continued to learn and experience this area of study trying to get better. I have another 2 years to finish my degree but that all seems to be changing.
Two and a half years ago I felt God asked me to give him 3 years, this summer that will be up. When He spoke I thought it was until John might come back to the Lord and sort himself out. But God never said that, he just said give him 3 years. Another 6 months, do you think my life could change for the better in that time? I just don't know.
I don't think I will be on the street and I want to work but I'm just scared of change and need help in gaining employment. I want to be a photography teacher but don't know if that can happen if I don't have a degree. I also want to start a photography business.
I feel a bit like the Scarlett in Gone with the wind and want to say I can't think about it any more today I'll think about it tomorrow. That is probably what got me into this mess but it's the only way I can function while I put things into perspective. John says nothing will change if I don't see a need to change and there he is probably right. Why change from being a student who loves learning and going to school. John knows work, he is a business man, he makes money and is a workaholic. Obviously we are very different. I am a dreamer. I live with hope that love will come into my life but this has been nearly 10 years that I have fought and I am alone. Why do I think I am any different. Everyone else worksnowadays. I have to too. Hopefully in this economy I will find work that will support me. The fear seems to be settling and getting weaker and the determination to move forward is moving in.
I am excited to see what God will do next, I must trust Him not to let me down as this world has. He promised to care and look after me. How He will do that is not plainly seen yet but I have talent and passion and I am not lazy just a little fearful. God has equipped me now I have to move forward and apply what I have learned.
Staying in school this semester seems like a waste of money and time and maybe I should reconsider dropping out and God will show me, I have to believe that.
I wrote that bit yesterday when everything was fresh, I am excited about where this will take me. I have a plan to sit my art exam to teach so I can go for interviews in that department. God is good He takes fear and replaces it with His perfect love I can do this thing called life because God is with me.
Proverbs 31:25 NLT She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.
