Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
Blunt, I need to heart think before I speak
Blunt
Me and
my big mouth…
As you
guys know who read my blog I speak before I heart think sometimes.
I have
a lot of changes happening and if I take them in bite size pieces I know I’ll
be okay. But my reactions sometimes just lands me in trouble.
Today
I woke, made myself some coffee and began to drink, wait let me back up, I’m in
my future home which isn’t mine, in a new but old city, which will be mine
again but hasn’t been for 12 years. (I’m getting married, woohoo can you
believe it, yes I’m in love! excited, and raring to go), but along with that
comes big changes, even deeper thoughts and a new future!!!
So
back to the coffee, Cliff had gone out for milk and come back baring gifts,
chocolate no less, which you would think “awe what a sweetie, so thoughtful,
massive brownie points”, yes all of the above ran through my heart, but then he
mentions what kind... Hershey, oops, As you know I’m Scottish, I only eat Hershey Symphony,
I’m not a snob, it’s just how I’ve been brought up, we like it sweeter and more
milky and melty, (Cadbury’s in other words). Now the proper response would have
been, darling that is so thoughtful of you, Thanks so much, you are wonderful
to think of me so early in the morning. But no, I say and remember those
thoughts were in my heart but I hadn’t spoken them, instead this is what I said
“Hershey!! I don’t like that kind; it’s
the only chocolate I’ve ever thrown in the trash…” Yes I know blunt, cruel,
deflating. Shoot me dead!!! I hurt him!!! And he replied with some kind of
retort that sent me into a tailspin!!!
And I
started to cry, granted I’m hormonal but I went to deep thought land…, I
thought he loved that I was Scottish, well this is Scottish, and he is
struggling with accepting my culture, will I ever be able to wave my flag high
and strong and be proud of my British heritage in this foreign land. Yes a bit
on the dramatic I know. But again let me back up, It’s been the Royal Diamond
Jubilee all weekend, my daughter is in Scotland with most of my family having
picnics and garden parties, all without me, it’s the first year I haven’t been
home in the summer for years and I am missing all the pomp and ceremony and fun
and bonding and I’m the only Brit about and I want to cheer, sing and stand
with my hand on my heart and shout God save the queen, and get all gushy about
my country. Now this is coming from a Scot, who stands every morning in respect
to the American and Texas flag (I’m a teacher) and live in this wonderful
country with citizens that love being Texan and American and yes I sometimes
want to scream, “hey you may be good and I love being here and no I don’t want
to go back to where I come from if I don’t like it, but I love Scotland!” I’m
passionate about my homeland, probably even more so coz I don’t live there. I
love the 4th of July and Thanksgiving and all the American holidays
and celebrate them with vigor, but sometimes I want to stand loud and proud and
cheer on the Brits!!!
So
back to this morning or last night, I was watching Britain, celebrate 60 years
of the reign of her majesty the Queen and Cliff makes a comment about how I am
always cutting down America and I wanted to retort and I think I did a wee bit
but obviously not enough as I went into this dark place for a moment. I think
it probably goes even deeper than that. I’m in someone else’s home that will
soon be mine; I have chosen to leave my family and my soon to be born grand
daughter, a church that I love and friends that I hold dear to my heart. I love
living in Katy. I love my life there.
I know
I have family in Lafayette, my best friend in the entire world, a church that I
used to think of as my baby as I helped plant and grow it, a Cajun culture that
is so similar to my own that I hold dear to my heart and not forgetting a
future husband that is number one, who I love with my whole being, and who I am
so excited about starting this new adventure with, but I am a processor, I mull
through, I sound off, I journal, talk to my son and process some more. I feel a
little like a fish out of water…
I have
to tread very carefully, or feelings will be hurt and feathers will be ruffled and
remember I’m blunt, a bull in a china shop! So get a wee bit flustered and
stressed when I have to continually be on my best behavior. Usually I'm in my
own home with my own Scottish family in the privacy of my secure surrounding I'm able to sound off. Ok I sometimes do it in front of my American daughter in law, which
is disrespectful, but I do try to be good. I want to get all excited and
express myself but I have to cool my jets and be respectful in this delicate
balance of my future blended family, and yes I question myself!
Will I?
I
don’t want to even give these thoughts a voice coz I know I will be better than
ok I’ll be great!!! God is always great. He has always given me the best, a
life abundant even in the struggles. However those thoughts are still in there,
being shut down and stifled instead of being let out a wee bit at a time…
How
can I do this, How can I be the only Scot in an American home, or can we really
blend and become American Scots? You would think I would have dealt with this
long before now, I’ve been here for 16 years but I’ve had my own wee bonny
Scotland when I close my door, a Scotsman’s home is his castle, his kingdom, and
his safe house!!! This is different!!!
Let’s
see how this will unfold? I’ll keep you posted, I’m off out to have lunch with
my adopted sister and pastor, yes I know I’m blessed and a wee bit of a winger,
HEY I’m processing, Be blessed and remember God is Great all the time!!!!
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