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Friday, March 24, 2006
Winston Churchill once said " Kites rise highest against the wind not with it"

Hey All,

Well I gave you a little of my story in my first blog, and will now continue on.The first few weeks after he walked out are simply a blur, with lots of tears and confusion. Where had my blessed life gone. It was Christmas time and I had to tell the family that dad would not becoming home and why. Dad had seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth and wouldn't answer any phone calls. My daughter was devastated. So we went to friends who felt like family, as we no longer lived in the same country that we were brought up in as we had emigrated to America 6 years before. When this mess had just started happening we had just moved to Texas and so my network wasn't very big. So my friends let me rant and rave and ask many many "Why" questions. I felt so lost, but I had to help my children work through this as well. that was the worst Christmas I ever had!!!

I have gone through many changes since that time, and I thought that I would never be happy again. This was wrong thinking. God is bigger than adultery. I have learned that He has big shoulders and a great heart for listening to all sorts of junk. Before this happened I always came to God trying to be perfect. I wanted to show Him that I was doing well. This helped me to see that I was weak and He was my strength. I didn't have to be perfect just willing to grow and become more and more like Him.I have also learned that to keep above all this mess I need good strong Christians in my life who can pray and help hold me up when I struggle. Positive people who will allow me to dream my dreams and not judge or criticize me is also important. Not yes men friends but encouraging and honest at the same time. These I have found, which is a continued source of blessing.

One of the first things I did in my quest in reaching for freedom was to go back to school. I had been a teacher before and thought that a slight change would be best. School was scary but at the same time great. My mind was occupied and I was busy. With the encouragement from professors and students I got my interdisciplinary studies degree. Then I did my certification and I am now studying to pass my final teaching exam in Social Studies. Hopefully I can teach High school psychology and history. I also want to go on and study to become a counselor. I have to sit an entrance exam to get in to graduate studies in education and counseling so I have some time left, but I enjoy the challenge.

Just after last summer I lost a good friend and it rocked my world as she had been such a source of encouragement and help and I felt so down. She had been the one to help me through all this. I went down hill for about 4 months and I found it hard to get off the couch. Nothing was working out. I felt so lost and alone. I should be healing by now, not getting worse. After many weeks I reached out and phoned my family and friends and asked them to pray. I had been reading this book and it asked many questions about growing in our relationship with God as a single person, and I could not answer any of them positively. But after asking for prayer I felt encouraged and reread the questions and managed to answer four of them positively. Nothing had changed apart from prayer. I believe in the power of prayer.That was 3 months ago. My brother told me to get a job, any job, just get out of the house, and a few days later I was offered a part time receptionist job, which was perfect as it let me continue to study at the same time.

I also started a new church as I had been struggling with my self image of being different and needed new friends. I went to a small church and everybody seemed to be happy and married so with the pastor's blessing I went searching. I tried a huge church but was more lost there than before. Then I went on the Internet and found a church that had just moved to a new building. I went on the Sunday and they were so friendly and invited me to a small group meeting. These people were so caring and encouraging. That was a month ago and my daughter really likes the church and I feel I have found my church home. It is very similar to what I was brought up with and I feel so cared for there.I now felt ready to try a divorce care group. I know I am not divorced and don't want to be, but I do need healing, guidance and help, and felt this was a great opportunity to receive that. Again the people who ran this group were very caring. I cried and laughed that first evening but I felt better.

Maybe there was happiness out there for me. I told them I felt my dreams had been ripped away from me, that I was no longer a family, I had so wanted to become a mighty woman of God but the church seemed to only use couples in ministry. They encouraged me to change my thinking. I was a family. God could use me and was. I could have new and different dreams.Thinking about this I believe I have climbed a hill, turned another corner, and begun the healing process. I feel lighter. I went on a forty day fast from solid food, and joined a gym. I was 73lbs heavier than when my husband left and it was time to find myself again. That was 2o lbs ago. Only 53 to go!!!! I feel happier.

I haven't got that deep joy back but I see glimpses of it. I have a tiny dream of believing the Lord can heal that big hurt. He is my joy. I don't need a man to fulfill me. God created me and he can fix me.

Reaching for freedom for me is to become the woman that God made me to be. That is real freedom. To discover His dream for my life would set me free to live again and become the real me. That would be deep joy and is my goal.

"One of the most important lessons that experience teaches is that, on the whole, success depends more upon character than upon either intellect or fortune."
William Edward Hartpole Lecky. Irish Historian and Essayist. 1838-1903

Dear All,
Since last writing my blog quite a few things have happened. I was served with divorce papers without any warning, which was a real shocker, but I should have known that my husband's word didn't mean anything, but It still hurt. Something good came from it when I realised that I was a lot stronger than I thought I was. I phoned him and asked him what he was doing and gave him some advice. We went out to talk and I felt as though we had made a break through but since then I realise that he uses me and is really different from the man I married.

He wanted me to sign a paper so that he could buy his dream house with her. It was so sad. I told him he must be very angry and that he had a hole in his heart that could not be filled with anything but God. When I questioned him he became passive aggressive and threatened that the negotiations would stop. I was not frightened of him, and chose to sign the paper in return for something I wanted. When I signed the paper I felt that he had really chosen between us. I know that this sounds very much as though I have been living in a parallel world, but I thought he was going to change. In my way of thinking God is the most important and life is not worth living if He is not in it. Obviously John doesn't think that. It is strange to see a person so changed. He loved the Lord. He says he still believes the same as before but he chooses not to think about it. This is so hard for me to understand or even to believe.
I also found out that she isn't even divorced yet. This also made me think that they are very suited for each other. They really don't care who they hurt or destroy they live by selfish feelings and motives.

My feelings now are that I am finally healing. This has been going on for five years. I have been married for twenty-three. We had a good marriage that I was willing to try and save. I have done my best. I have fasted and prayed. I have been patient and loving and unless he wants to change I can't do anything that will change his mind. I don't know how to believe any more. I loved him so much. When I look back I see the bad times but that is only part of our marriage. There were good times too. With time hopefully I will remember those.
I finally feel strong enough to go home and visit friends and family which I am really excited about. It will be hard to see where I grew up with him but it is time. My daughter hasn't been home since she was eight and she is now fifteen. She needs to rediscover her roots and so do I. I will see family and friends some don't know what has happened but hopefully I can tell my story without tears. We will wait and see.

My divorce care class has been a tremendous help in steering me in the right path and helping to explain and answer some questions. Their support has been so valuable. The church I found has been such a blessing. They love me and support me. I have even been asked to join the worship team. Who would have thought, I love to worship as it grows your relationship with God. God has as always been my strength and my hope. I feel I can see a light and future in my life.

I laugh and feel happier than I have done for many years. I passed my final exam to become a high school teacher, so can begin to look for a full time job. I feel stronger with God's help I can do all things and conquer all adversity. There is changes but they will work out for good as God has great plans for my life, and as I put my trust in Him I don't have to be afraid or worry, as He is in charge of my future.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006
The author John Buchan once said "The best prayers have often more groans than words"

Dear All,

Well this is my first official blog on this site. I will be writing about how I feel as a Christian and as a wife and mother, who is separated from her husband.

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I grew up in a loving Christian home and believed that as a follower of Jesus if I obeyed His principles and teachings my life would be blessed, e.g. A+B=C This I proved for 37 years to be correct in my life, but got a rude awakening when I found an email from my husband to another woman, addressing her with my pet name!!! I had been aware than our otherwise happy and perfect marriage had been in trouble for over a year, and had been trying to discover the cause, as he kept saying that he didn't know what was wrong, but he just didn't know if he loved me any more. This as a christian woman I knew was wrong. Up until a year before we had a loving and caring healthy marriage, and as we were both born again believers in Jesus anything was possible with God and love didn't die, you had to choose whether to work at it , but it was forever.

Finding the email destroyed so much. I went through to talk to him as he was asleep in bed, so I woke him up. He was confused but knew exactly what I was saying. He didn't deny it and wasn't sorry either. I was angry and so terribly hurt. This was a stranger. He had been my childhood friend and sweet heart. We had been together for 23 years and married for 19 of those. I didn't remember life without him in it. All my dreams were tied up in his. What did I do now? I started to talk and talk, telling him how the Lord had made us for each other. We had prayed and believed that the other was the right choice for us. Did he believe that? At first he didn't know, then he agreed, but didn't know what he wanted to do. So I asked him to leave.... Before the day was half through I was on the phone and asking him to come home so we could talk. I had so many questions but most of them could wait. I wanted him to know that I could forgive him and we could put this behind us, we could be stronger.

He came home but was very distant but I worked and worked at trying to convince him to try and work on our marriage. He finally agreed. That is a day I will never forget as it was my dad's birthday and one of the worst of my life. We went to counseling and seemed to be much happier. He told me he loved me, and I believed him. A weight seemed to be lifted from his shoulders. I felt sure that this was not my defining moment and we would survive this mess.After a month he had to go on a business trip, back to where she was. I was scared and knew after reading so much material on this subject that he couldn't see her. He had spoken to her before and told her of his decision to restore our marriage. I asked him whether he thought he was strong enough. We had been happier in those few weeks than in so many before them and I didn't want it to be jeopardized. He promised he wouldn't.When he called I knew something was wrong. I asked him whether he had seen her. He said yes. I asked whether he had slept with her and he said yes. I asked him to come home. When he came home we continued to go to counseling but we were not so happy. Everything was strained. He was not trying but he kept saying he was. Again he was lying. He was depressed for months and had been on many business trips. It was just before Christmas and he had again to go out of the country. I drove him to the airport. The goodbyes were so intense, as he would finally looked into my eyes and say it would be fine, and that he would come home. I always felt so lost when driving from the airport.While driving home I had seen a load of telephone bills and I tried to ignore them. It's strange how God allows us to see things when we are only strong enough to cope with them. After a few days I looked. Hundreds of text messages and phone calls were there from her. All the time we had been on vacation trying to build our relationship..... This was a phone call I didn't want to make. He didn't deny it and said he couldn't do this any more. My world as I knew ended that day. He was not coming home. The fairy tell ending was not going to happen. Another day I would not forget, my 19th wedding anniversary and another worst day.That was the beginning of my new life and the discoveries I began to make about the real walk with Jesus I had to make. I will tell you of those in the coming weeks. I still believe in my marriage, but I can only control my life.

That all happened 3 years ago. The affair is nearly 5 years old now. I love my husband, I don't understand him, or know him any more, but I do know the One who does not change or leave or forsake you. His promises are true and His covenant with you will not be broken. I want to finish this blog with I am stronger today than ever. I keep in the word as it's the only part of my life that is constant and true. Truth is very important to me. I still pray for restoration. We are not divorced but are separated. My prayer and my dream is for my husband to be restored to Jesus and his family. Reaching for Freedom is my goal......
posted by Chris 12:51 PM

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