Thanksgiving was yesterday

Some hae meat and canna eat, -
And some wad eat that want it;
But we hae meat, and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit.
~Robert Burns



Well I had a lovely day yesterday. We spent the morning watching the parade, cooking and hanging until it was time to go to Stephanie's parents house (Son's girlfriend). We had a great time, laughter, fellowship, good food and getting to know them a little better. We heard wonderful stories, and saw old photos and listened to old songs on a Victrola, and I felt blessed.

We went to the movies and then went home. It was a good day

It was hard not to compare it with last year. We had a good time but the friendship fell apart. That's tough to handle as I don't deal with loss well. I over think what happened, my part and theirs, It always turns up not good.

I have now lost a few relationships in my life. My husband was the first, then friends and loved ones. I am the only common part to these relationships. Is it me? Well of course it's me... I was out with a friend and I was venting a little and she said she could see a vision of arrows of assignments to try and take me out from the enemy. She said that their aren't a lot of people out there that really care and love with forgiveness and truth. I can forgive. God gave me a heart and a bad memory for pain !! I like people and I want people to forgive me when I mess up so I forgive as I probably mess up a lot.

I have been known for my passion, and my unending love. I don't give up on it. After 7 years of my husbands adultery I still choose to love him. I don't tell anyone anymore as they think I'm loopy, that I should move on but I don't. My husband divorced me this year after me trying to pray my way to reconciliation. He told me he loved me and always will but he is stuck in a relationship that he doesn't see any way out of. He just had a baby. Anyway that being said, I still choose to love him. I had a covenant marriage that means something. I am healed from the deep hurt and rejection to the most, there is residue but that is ongoing and I try to deal with it as it comes up. But I move forward but remember.

This time of year is always a time of remembering. He left at this time on our 19Th wedding anniversary, 6 years ago.
Some of my kids have gone to have Thanksgiving No. 2 with him today. They want a relationship with their father and brother and she seems to be part of the package. They struggle with this. One son went to the car show instead, they other wants to do the right thing and spend time with his dad. My daughter has pondered all day, finally going as her brother's girlfriend said she had to, and to get dressed. I love you Stephanie.

Anyway this is just normal, life is messy nowadays. To me it's surreal but I just take moment by moment. I don't think I'm numb just resilient. Things hurt, make me mad etc but this I leave to God to sort out as I have done everything I feel I can.

It's the little things that disarm me. For example, middle son's ex girlfriend messaged me today and the letter was filled with passive aggression and I was so mad and hurt and I wrote a letter saying what I thought, I didn't send it as I am the older wiser one yeah right. !!! But I get frustrated with myself and others. I wish I could be real. People don't like real, they like attention and to be prigged with, don't know English word, flazed over.... Why do we have to live with masks all the time, why can't we handle truth, boldness, in yer face stuff. We like to please not upset or be judged.

Life with Jesus is hard, not always for what He expects but what other Christians expect. Being "good all the time" I just want to be real but no no no that's not love. My brothers real but that has consequences as people's perceptions are difficult to handle and I just don't know if I could do it.

Today I have felt emotion, how to help my daughter in her struggle with her reality. She loves her dad but still doesn't want him to think she condones his relationship. But he seems to think that because she wants to be in baby Danial's life she has to be in Trudi's one, how does she communicate in love how she feels that will not happen. Then how do I vent to son number two that his ex is a pain in my neck, even though I really do care about her and her family, but think their passive aggression and not dealing with reality is a problem. Then there is oldest son. Such a blessing and Stephanie is so good.

Life, normal life that I was brought up with doesn't exist anymore but God does and He never changes. I still want to bless Him. Still want to do what he knows I can. It's the finding out what I am capable of with His help that's tough.

Well I still have Christmas to come. Now I'm sure that will be Joy to the world. I was helping out with the churches Christmas play and got a part instead. I'm scared but excited, I have never acted before, I'm Mrs. Job with a Scottish accent, should be interesting to say the least !!

Daffodils

William Wordsworth

Daffodils

I WANDER'D lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretch'd in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.


I just watched a movie "Mrs Palfrey at the Claremont" it was lovely. A remembrance of older days. In it was the poem above, Daffodils are my favourite flowers and I miss seeing them here in the US. When I was newly married we used to stop at the side of the road and pick a bag of them. The apartment would be filled with vases of flowers and it would bring me such pleasure, I was sad when the season was over. Now I have blue Bonnets to look forward to and new memories to make. We went last year and found a whole field of them they were so pretty. I must get my love of flowers from my dad as he was a keen gardener. Good times....

Seasons of change

Alister McGrath:

Doubt and the Vain Search for Certainty

Faith has three main elements. In the first place, it is trust in God. It is a confidence in the trustworthiness, fidelity and reliability of God. It is about rejoicing in his presence and power, being open to his prompting and guidance through prayer, and experiencing the motivation and comfort of the Holy Spirit. It is a deep sense of longing to be close to God, of wanting to praise his name, of being aware of his presence. In many ways, this aspect of Christian faith is like being in love with someone: you want to be with them, enjoying their presence and feeling secure with them. It concerns the heart, rather than the head; it is emotional, rather than intellectual. It is the powerhouse of Christian life, keeping us going through the difficult times and exciting us during the good times.

I want a deeper relationship with Jesus one where I long to be in His presence all the time, I know that whatever I say to help make a difference in people's lives, has no depth or real power and meaning if God doesn't back it up with his anointing and presence. I realize I have nothing of worth to say if the Holy Spirit doesn't back it up.

I was watching Heidi Baker again last night, she is so in touch with Jesus she loves Him, I want that depth of reality in my life, that I don't just think about it but I live it out. I keep saying this but I fail. I am so puny in my walk. Living out the life of Christ in me isn't easy, I make too many mistakes but I keep going. I desire to keep going.

I have had some tremendous times with the Lord, He has shaken, rattled and bathed me in his power, but I just need His reality constantly, not just experiences but second by second communion.

He is so big, over time, before, during and into eternity! He can do anything but my puny mind can't grasp it. Faith without works is dead my faith is strong and weak, I try not to depend on feelings but I sometimes fail. Lord help my unbelief.

For example, Thanksgiving and Christmas is coming up, every year my circle or oicos changes. I have friends who are constant and friends who seem to be seasonal. They are not there all the time. I accept that but it makes life strange at this time of year. I am more blessed than some I know but I miss having that other, John, he was a pain but he was my pain, I like to snuggle and now I have to use pets, just not the same.

I believe God is all about relationship. He created us to have relationship with Him and each other. He thought it wasn't good for man to be alone. Who am I to argue. I liked being married. Having John was great when it was good. He divorced me this summer. I fought for 7 years. I have been with him since I was 16, he was my best friend before that. I can hardly remember a time I wasn't close to him. Now he is with another, he had a baby. He told me he loved me, he would always love me but couldn't see away out of this mess. I wonder if there will ever be real closure?

God is so real, yet I never seem to know if things will change. I felt this summer He told me to wait another 3 years. That would make it 10. Can I manage that. Not knowing just trying to scrape faith... That's not how we should stand. God expects more I believe. The great cloud of witnesses were so much more. Danial, David, Paul, Moses, Abraham mighty Esther now there was a woman that pleased God. I wonder if I will ever do anything to change my world. I know I have shown my family what to faithfully love means but is that enough. I want to be more than a conquer.

I am still in the grasp of control and lack of control, I still haven't got it all together. I don't feel as much self pity but I do feel as if I fail Him. Total freedom, do they only gain it in death. Some seem to have a handle on it. I just don't know, to be undone totally dependant on God is a higher level of commitment. I love Him but how much does that take. Is it about Him or us, is it for now, I believe from my interpretation of scripture that it is. Constant walking, believing, growing, communicating. Depends in and on Him who created us. Belief, a small word but a deep word. So much depends on it. Change comes from it.

Well I have been up since 3 am I need to stop, at least it's Saturday, I will love you and leave you as my old mam used to say x

What is age?

What is age?

Well here's my thoughts for today, maybe no great shakes but it's how I feel just now.

I feel good trla la la la la la !!!!!

I'm so glad I'm alive.... I just want to be as young on the outside as I feel in the inside. Do you now what I mean? This body does not represent the youthful person I feel inside. I feel the mirror lies every time I look. (Which isn't too much as I always get a shock!)

Is age a number or a feeling? That is my question for today... Not very deep, but oh so debatable. Youth will tell me I'm old, older people will tell me I have half of my life still to live. People of the same age will all answer you differently.

At the young or old age of 43, I have to consider those who respect me and love me and look to me for guidance, mainly my family, and also all those others that have opinions on how to live your life.

I just want to be me.... But who am I ? a feeling or a number. I do want the number to be less but I can't change that.

Do I listen to my heart and feelings along with emotions that seem to be going hay wire at the moment, or do I put on the hat of respectability and listen to my head that says act your age not your shoe size. For many years I had to be respectable. Live the life Jesus wanted me to live...... I have now been enlightened to believe that when people tell you that, they usually are trying to put you under bondage and control you more than actually wanting the best for your life.

I, as my blog page name says, want to reach for freedom. What is freedom? Leaving restraint put on a person under the cloak of tradition, or religion, behind or fall back into what is comfortable. What is safe? I want to live life to the full, the extreme. Jesus said He would make us live an abundant life... I'm up for that. I just want to know the difference between flesh and my spirit man. I hate to make mistakes!!! I hate to be less than perfect even though I know that risk makes us grow and mistakes are often where we learn the most. Do you know, you remember your mistakes more than your successes? When negative words are spoken into your life it takes many more positive ones to replace them....

I was listening to a preacher on the radio and he was speaking about the art of encouragement through the written word. He said it was much more powerful than the spoken as it was permanent, well thought out, deliberate, and some other things. I love to write if I can get anyone to listen I will bug them to death with my words both spoken and written. I have an opinion and I love to give it.... But I also like to listen, another art that seems to be not so popular.

I want to encourage you all to start to journal, to get your thoughts down on paper. You will see yourself grow and will be encouraged at the difference.

I have come to a different part of my life, one I didn't ask for but one I have to do none the less. I could have sat back and felt self pity and told myself my life was over, but I chose to see it as a new start, a new beginning. Does that fill me with fear? YES!!! but also it fills me with life, excitement and awe!! God has a plan for my life. That hasn't changed. It's still better than I could ever hope or dream. He makes our mistakes into blessings. He uses them. He makes us stronger if we look deeply enough and think on them and learn from them. God is bigger than any situation that we are in. If people are involved then junk will happen. But if God is involved and we give Him free reign in our lives He will work it all out to His good. I feel scared but loved. Perfect love casts out all fear and so I have to put my trust in the one who has perfect love. God.

Sometimes I want to run and hide and tell Him I don't trust Him that He got it wrong, but at others I lean back into His trustworthy arms and say carry me Lord, you're my father, lover and friend. How cool is that... I trust Him because I know Him and what He has done in the past and in my past, as well.

Does God view us as a number? or as future potential to change the world. I don't remember reading anywhere in the Bible when God said you can't do that you are too old or too young. He sees our potential.... That's exciting, right?

I just came back from a month in my homeland of Scotland. I was a bit apprehensive as I hadn't been home in so long, but I so enjoyed myself. It was a breath of fresh air to my heart... Visiting with friends and family and reconnecting with them was so refreshing and uplifting. I felt loved and cared for.

I even went to a kids camp and youth camp and met some of the most fantastic young people in the world, all so different but all so loved and uniquely beautiful. Young people haven't really changed that much they just come in different packages, but I do believe they have to handle a lot more crap than we had. to. So to all of you wonderful young people I met in Scotland my hat comes off to you I am so proud to call you my friends and to have gotten to know you even in a small way. Keep praising and serving the one true God!!!

So I have a question for you, should I follow my heart or my reason???? I say probably a bit of both. God gave me passion, but He also gave me wisdom and experience, which I would not sell for any chance to become younger. Years are wonderful if you use them in the right way. Do I want to be free YES YES YES!!!! I just have to work out when my passion is being led by my flesh and not my heart.

Well that's about it for today. Leave me a comment about what you think and I will get back to you.

Live life more abundantly and for Jesus and you won't go wrong.

Love in Jesus Name and every blessing,

Changes

Changes

Endless, overwhelming, sorrow, this heart feels.
Fear, the tightness inward breathing is.
Till the trust, and love reveals.
The true beauty of my Saviour's love, encompass.
This man of sorrows, before me walked this path.
Darkness, betrayal, lonely, feels this man before.
Bursts forth this joy, belonging, loved, acknowledged be.
No longer, worn, torn, neglected, book.
From shelf, a life betrothed to me.
Everlasting sun shines rises forth.
The heavens declare His majesty.
The doubts, the fear, return it may.
This life fulfilled, dreams, trust, this man.
Strong, mighty, warrior fights for me.
Eternal love, my heart explodes.

Chris Buchan 11th Oct 2003

Some Say

Some Say!


Some say that I should never let go of my dreams,
Some say that I should find new dreams and let go of the past.
Are my dreams particles of dust sparkling in the sunbeams?
Or strong, solid trees growing tall alongside the river?


Some say move on; it's a fresh day,
Some say don't give up don't let go.
Is life to be filled with laughter and joy?
Passionate about what is, and what was before?

I say that God is my basis of joy,
I say that God is the supplier of my dreams.
Joy can be created in a dazzling summer's day,
And joy can generate laughter from fine conversation.

What God says is the true question to pose,
What does God declare?
Plans and dreams bigger than I can hope for,
Worry and fear has no place.

God has revealed his power and grace.
Alpha and Omega, time begun till end of days.
Sparrows fall, the earth will quake,
But His holy name will be praised!

29th Sept 2006

I want more of you Lord!

I want more of you Lord!

I come into your presence,
I peep around the door,
I worship and adore you,
But still my heart wants more.

I want more of you Lord,
I want more of you,
I want so much more Lord,
Just, so much more.

I cry out for you Jesus,
Come take me by the hand,
I feel your strong and mighty presence,
But still I want so much more.
I want more of you Lord, just, so much more.

You come over by my side,
You take my hand in yours,
You lead me to your throne, Oh God,
And lift me in your arms,
I climb upon your knee,
I rest my head upon your chest,
Your hand it strokes my head,
Oh Lord, I want so much more.
I want more of you Lord, just so much more.


I tell you all my secrets,
You knew my story before,
You will be my provider,
My wisdom, knowledge, and counselor,
And still I want you more.
I want more of you Lord, just so much more.

You ask me how my day went,
I tell you all there is to know,
My Father, friend, deliverer,
You promise you will be forever,
I worship and adore,
I still want even more.
I want more of you Lord, just so much more.

You say to rest awhile and grow strong,
I will heal your hurts and take your cares,
I will be with you always,
I hear myself want more.
I want more of you Lord, just so much more.

I don't want to leave your presence,
I cry and beat your chest,
You turn my face towards you,
I feel your tenderness,
I know I will have more.
I will have more of you Lord,
I'll have more of you, just so much more.

You tell me you will go with me,
I don't have to go alone,
Your words refresh and touch my heart,
I feel your strong caress,
Gratitude fills my very being,
I have more than ever before.
I will have more of you Lord, just so much more.

I sit and rest a little while longer,
Your presence is so sweet,
You show your love and grace again,
Thank you Jesus I still want more.
I want more of you Lord, just so much more.

If I will seek you, I will find you,
King of Kings and Lord of Lords,
My Father, friend and healer,
All that I care for,
And still I want more,
I want more of you Lord, just so much more.

I have courage to face the future,
Strength beyond my own,
Life is hope and surety,
You fill my heart with longing,
To want you even more.
I want more of you Lord, just so much more.

Oct 8th 2006

When God came Near

When God came Near

Crushing fear held my passion in its grip
As dreaded thoughts filled my mind, tears fell,
Frail and fragile was my Safeguard
Was I without help?

Then God came near,
In beauty and love He restored my soul
Joy and peace released within, flooded my being
Dreams came anew, life again had hope.

It is written perfect love casts out fear,
Love conquers all, and my God is able to deliver me,
Truth has power, prayer just the beginning
Launch me Lord once more on my journey.

A solitary Life lacking purpose is not to be
Dreams portrayed and spoken aloud refreshed my mind
Truth transferred from Time Began to Grateful Daughter
Energized, renewed, inspired, I ran, I danced I flew.

As images unfold breathtaking is your love, my Lord
Shadows my path will not share, the Sun shines on every step,
With youthful force towering Mountains, crystal streams, cornfields vast,
Is placed before.

As a mother hen gathers her chicks, God reveals His heart
Bushfire burns the trees, black devastation,
Hope emerges when floodwaters pour in,
The lonely, weary, broken, my purpose is revealed
Come to the river, the water is clear and sparkling in the sun,
God draws all to himself, His love is vast
He brings life and purpose to the lost and weary.
My Love gave my life meaning
Aug 8th 2007

Stand on God's Promises

I Stand on God’s Promises

Today fear is not a stranger it stays close by
I am God's daughter I must stand and not listen to the lie.
Every time I hear from him I sense this knot of dread,
Why do I feel like a child & crave to cover my head?
Instead I stand on God's promises.

Who am I? The person he assumed me to be,
As I hung on his every word I could not see,
Trying to please, I tried to belong
He speaks, he hurts, & his words play the same old song,
But, I stand on God's promises

What happened? Life but not Spirit
I tried, I loved, but his heart could not be lit,
He ran, he left, as his desire was for a new,
No way back? What was I to do?
God is always the answer His words are life & truth;
I need to listen to the still quiet voice.
As I stand on God's promises

Prayer works, friends' encourage and comfort,
Family, are my life my heart,
I am me not who he perceives me to be,
God created made me strong, truthful, passionate,
As I stand on God's promises

Lord you are the giver of life, even my life
Many tears have fallen, while you stepped in,
Each one you collected you saw them all,
My provider even as the sparrows fall
My shield against all the fiery darts
Thank you lord I stand on your promises

I must stand firm on truth my shield He will be.
I have a future, I have purpose, and fears will be conquered look and see,
My God shall supply all my needs
He is the fountain of which I drink true love
Let me plant the seeds of faith & not be strangled by the weeds of fear.
And stand on God's promises

Aug 27th 2007

Come Away With Me

Come Away With Me

Lord, come away with me in the cool of the morning,
I will soar, I will jump, I will breathe in your beauty,
I will soar in your love, your glory, your joy,
Lord you are so good, so strong, so majestic, so powerful,
My love, come away with me.

Let my heart fall in love with you once more,
Fill my heart with your sweet love,
Let me be with you and whisper in my ear,
I love you Lord, My heart longs for your touch,
My heart soars at the thought of your glance,
As your eyes reach my soul.

Lord your eyes are beauty filled with so much love,
Run with me! Soar with me!
Lord, we will dance together, Lord all my firsts with you,
My love, my joy, my peace, I will trust you,
I will rest in you.

Lord, take my hand and lets flee,
Take me to your heart,
Let me lay against your chest,
Let me rest in calm assurance, that all is well.
Lord let us dance together, let us run together,
Lord let us laugh together, Let us love together,
Fill my heart, my mind, my soul,
We will, we will, we will be together,
Lover of my soul come away with me.

In the cool of the morning come away with me,
In the cool of the evening come away with me,
Your sweet presence fills me with delight,
Come away with me,
Your Sweet and holy presence, Come away! Come away!

Written by Chris B. Buchan April 1st 2008

Older posts that were lost

Friday, March 24, 2006
Winston Churchill once said " Kites rise highest against the wind not with it"

Hey All,

Well I gave you a little of my story in my first blog, and will now continue on.The first few weeks after he walked out are simply a blur, with lots of tears and confusion. Where had my blessed life gone. It was Christmas time and I had to tell the family that dad would not becoming home and why. Dad had seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth and wouldn't answer any phone calls. My daughter was devastated. So we went to friends who felt like family, as we no longer lived in the same country that we were brought up in as we had emigrated to America 6 years before. When this mess had just started happening we had just moved to Texas and so my network wasn't very big. So my friends let me rant and rave and ask many many "Why" questions. I felt so lost, but I had to help my children work through this as well. that was the worst Christmas I ever had!!!

I have gone through many changes since that time, and I thought that I would never be happy again. This was wrong thinking. God is bigger than adultery. I have learned that He has big shoulders and a great heart for listening to all sorts of junk. Before this happened I always came to God trying to be perfect. I wanted to show Him that I was doing well. This helped me to see that I was weak and He was my strength. I didn't have to be perfect just willing to grow and become more and more like Him.I have also learned that to keep above all this mess I need good strong Christians in my life who can pray and help hold me up when I struggle. Positive people who will allow me to dream my dreams and not judge or criticize me is also important. Not yes men friends but encouraging and honest at the same time. These I have found, which is a continued source of blessing.

One of the first things I did in my quest in reaching for freedom was to go back to school. I had been a teacher before and thought that a slight change would be best. School was scary but at the same time great. My mind was occupied and I was busy. With the encouragement from professors and students I got my interdisciplinary studies degree. Then I did my certification and I am now studying to pass my final teaching exam in Social Studies. Hopefully I can teach High school psychology and history. I also want to go on and study to become a counselor. I have to sit an entrance exam to get in to graduate studies in education and counseling so I have some time left, but I enjoy the challenge.

Just after last summer I lost a good friend and it rocked my world as she had been such a source of encouragement and help and I felt so down. She had been the one to help me through all this. I went down hill for about 4 months and I found it hard to get off the couch. Nothing was working out. I felt so lost and alone. I should be healing by now, not getting worse. After many weeks I reached out and phoned my family and friends and asked them to pray. I had been reading this book and it asked many questions about growing in our relationship with God as a single person, and I could not answer any of them positively. But after asking for prayer I felt encouraged and reread the questions and managed to answer four of them positively. Nothing had changed apart from prayer. I believe in the power of prayer.That was 3 months ago. My brother told me to get a job, any job, just get out of the house, and a few days later I was offered a part time receptionist job, which was perfect as it let me continue to study at the same time.

I also started a new church as I had been struggling with my self image of being different and needed new friends. I went to a small church and everybody seemed to be happy and married so with the pastor's blessing I went searching. I tried a huge church but was more lost there than before. Then I went on the Internet and found a church that had just moved to a new building. I went on the Sunday and they were so friendly and invited me to a small group meeting. These people were so caring and encouraging. That was a month ago and my daughter really likes the church and I feel I have found my church home. It is very similar to what I was brought up with and I feel so cared for there.I now felt ready to try a divorce care group. I know I am not divorced and don't want to be, but I do need healing, guidance and help, and felt this was a great opportunity to receive that. Again the people who ran this group were very caring. I cried and laughed that first evening but I felt better.

Maybe there was happiness out there for me. I told them I felt my dreams had been ripped away from me, that I was no longer a family, I had so wanted to become a mighty woman of God but the church seemed to only use couples in ministry. They encouraged me to change my thinking. I was a family. God could use me and was. I could have new and different dreams.Thinking about this I believe I have climbed a hill, turned another corner, and begun the healing process. I feel lighter. I went on a forty day fast from solid food, and joined a gym. I was 73lbs heavier than when my husband left and it was time to find myself again. That was 2o lbs ago. Only 53 to go!!!! I feel happier.

I haven't got that deep joy back but I see glimpses of it. I have a tiny dream of believing the Lord can heal that big hurt. He is my joy. I don't need a man to fulfill me. God created me and he can fix me.

Reaching for freedom for me is to become the woman that God made me to be. That is real freedom. To discover His dream for my life would set me free to live again and become the real me. That would be deep joy and is my goal.

"One of the most important lessons that experience teaches is that, on the whole, success depends more upon character than upon either intellect or fortune."
William Edward Hartpole Lecky. Irish Historian and Essayist. 1838-1903

Dear All,
Since last writing my blog quite a few things have happened. I was served with divorce papers without any warning, which was a real shocker, but I should have known that my husband's word didn't mean anything, but It still hurt. Something good came from it when I realised that I was a lot stronger than I thought I was. I phoned him and asked him what he was doing and gave him some advice. We went out to talk and I felt as though we had made a break through but since then I realise that he uses me and is really different from the man I married.

He wanted me to sign a paper so that he could buy his dream house with her. It was so sad. I told him he must be very angry and that he had a hole in his heart that could not be filled with anything but God. When I questioned him he became passive aggressive and threatened that the negotiations would stop. I was not frightened of him, and chose to sign the paper in return for something I wanted. When I signed the paper I felt that he had really chosen between us. I know that this sounds very much as though I have been living in a parallel world, but I thought he was going to change. In my way of thinking God is the most important and life is not worth living if He is not in it. Obviously John doesn't think that. It is strange to see a person so changed. He loved the Lord. He says he still believes the same as before but he chooses not to think about it. This is so hard for me to understand or even to believe.
I also found out that she isn't even divorced yet. This also made me think that they are very suited for each other. They really don't care who they hurt or destroy they live by selfish feelings and motives.

My feelings now are that I am finally healing. This has been going on for five years. I have been married for twenty-three. We had a good marriage that I was willing to try and save. I have done my best. I have fasted and prayed. I have been patient and loving and unless he wants to change I can't do anything that will change his mind. I don't know how to believe any more. I loved him so much. When I look back I see the bad times but that is only part of our marriage. There were good times too. With time hopefully I will remember those.
I finally feel strong enough to go home and visit friends and family which I am really excited about. It will be hard to see where I grew up with him but it is time. My daughter hasn't been home since she was eight and she is now fifteen. She needs to rediscover her roots and so do I. I will see family and friends some don't know what has happened but hopefully I can tell my story without tears. We will wait and see.

My divorce care class has been a tremendous help in steering me in the right path and helping to explain and answer some questions. Their support has been so valuable. The church I found has been such a blessing. They love me and support me. I have even been asked to join the worship team. Who would have thought, I love to worship as it grows your relationship with God. God has as always been my strength and my hope. I feel I can see a light and future in my life.

I laugh and feel happier than I have done for many years. I passed my final exam to become a high school teacher, so can begin to look for a full time job. I feel stronger with God's help I can do all things and conquer all adversity. There is changes but they will work out for good as God has great plans for my life, and as I put my trust in Him I don't have to be afraid or worry, as He is in charge of my future.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006
The author John Buchan once said "The best prayers have often more groans than words"

Dear All,

Well this is my first official blog on this site. I will be writing about how I feel as a Christian and as a wife and mother, who is separated from her husband.

f

I grew up in a loving Christian home and believed that as a follower of Jesus if I obeyed His principles and teachings my life would be blessed, e.g. A+B=C This I proved for 37 years to be correct in my life, but got a rude awakening when I found an email from my husband to another woman, addressing her with my pet name!!! I had been aware than our otherwise happy and perfect marriage had been in trouble for over a year, and had been trying to discover the cause, as he kept saying that he didn't know what was wrong, but he just didn't know if he loved me any more. This as a christian woman I knew was wrong. Up until a year before we had a loving and caring healthy marriage, and as we were both born again believers in Jesus anything was possible with God and love didn't die, you had to choose whether to work at it , but it was forever.

Finding the email destroyed so much. I went through to talk to him as he was asleep in bed, so I woke him up. He was confused but knew exactly what I was saying. He didn't deny it and wasn't sorry either. I was angry and so terribly hurt. This was a stranger. He had been my childhood friend and sweet heart. We had been together for 23 years and married for 19 of those. I didn't remember life without him in it. All my dreams were tied up in his. What did I do now? I started to talk and talk, telling him how the Lord had made us for each other. We had prayed and believed that the other was the right choice for us. Did he believe that? At first he didn't know, then he agreed, but didn't know what he wanted to do. So I asked him to leave.... Before the day was half through I was on the phone and asking him to come home so we could talk. I had so many questions but most of them could wait. I wanted him to know that I could forgive him and we could put this behind us, we could be stronger.

He came home but was very distant but I worked and worked at trying to convince him to try and work on our marriage. He finally agreed. That is a day I will never forget as it was my dad's birthday and one of the worst of my life. We went to counseling and seemed to be much happier. He told me he loved me, and I believed him. A weight seemed to be lifted from his shoulders. I felt sure that this was not my defining moment and we would survive this mess.After a month he had to go on a business trip, back to where she was. I was scared and knew after reading so much material on this subject that he couldn't see her. He had spoken to her before and told her of his decision to restore our marriage. I asked him whether he thought he was strong enough. We had been happier in those few weeks than in so many before them and I didn't want it to be jeopardized. He promised he wouldn't.When he called I knew something was wrong. I asked him whether he had seen her. He said yes. I asked whether he had slept with her and he said yes. I asked him to come home. When he came home we continued to go to counseling but we were not so happy. Everything was strained. He was not trying but he kept saying he was. Again he was lying. He was depressed for months and had been on many business trips. It was just before Christmas and he had again to go out of the country. I drove him to the airport. The goodbyes were so intense, as he would finally looked into my eyes and say it would be fine, and that he would come home. I always felt so lost when driving from the airport.While driving home I had seen a load of telephone bills and I tried to ignore them. It's strange how God allows us to see things when we are only strong enough to cope with them. After a few days I looked. Hundreds of text messages and phone calls were there from her. All the time we had been on vacation trying to build our relationship..... This was a phone call I didn't want to make. He didn't deny it and said he couldn't do this any more. My world as I knew ended that day. He was not coming home. The fairy tell ending was not going to happen. Another day I would not forget, my 19th wedding anniversary and another worst day.That was the beginning of my new life and the discoveries I began to make about the real walk with Jesus I had to make. I will tell you of those in the coming weeks. I still believe in my marriage, but I can only control my life.

That all happened 3 years ago. The affair is nearly 5 years old now. I love my husband, I don't understand him, or know him any more, but I do know the One who does not change or leave or forsake you. His promises are true and His covenant with you will not be broken. I want to finish this blog with I am stronger today than ever. I keep in the word as it's the only part of my life that is constant and true. Truth is very important to me. I still pray for restoration. We are not divorced but are separated. My prayer and my dream is for my husband to be restored to Jesus and his family. Reaching for Freedom is my goal......
posted by Chris 12:51 PM

0 Comments:Post a Comment
<>

Photos

Disappointments

An argument is always about what has been made more important than the relationship.-- Hugh Prather

It's funny this has been a good week and a bad week.

I had some differences of opinion, which is bound to happen, that's life, but it shook me. I thought that I was totally healed from John's rejection but my reaction showed me that it sneaks up on me.

We had break through in our cell and the devil doesn't like that. So trouble is a result, our reaction is what we have control over, there were a lot of hurt feelings but we sorted it with God's love mixed in. We will grow stronger but we have to choose to, it doesn't just fall in our lap.

Then the weekend came. My son's girlfriend has not been a good influence, but we tried, then she finished the relationship. I am so sad for him and angry at her but I am the mother and I can only help him through. Mother's have a strange job, we have to let them grow up, become independent, but be a MOTHER AS WELL. I just want to slap her, but I can't she has used us but you can't say that. You just have to smile. I love my family very much they have gone through a lot. Watching as your child allows someone to tear him down and say he isn't good enough is hard to watch, you say as much as you can without saying too much. Then he is hurt and trying to deal with that. He will be stronger, God will heal him but he has to see that it was a destructive relationship. Please help him Lord, you are his, keep him safe in your love....

People are strange, they say they want real, but when they see it they don't want it. Too real, too loud, too rude. Conversation, good conversation is about depth, passion, opinion, discussion, and sometimes you can't wait your turn. But here in America you have too. Rude seems to me to be a favourite word around here when you talk about someone else but just putting things right when you do it. Oh well, do I shut up or keep talking? I have been told that people love my heart, my passion, my realness, but when I show that stuff and they don't agree it's just rude.

Passive aggressive I am not, I was married to one, and I don't like it but it is harder to pin that down. What do I do, tone myself down, consider everyone more than me, well yes that's what I have to do.

These ramblings sound pathetic, well this week has been difficult and also a blessing. Prayer may have been answered, we will have to wait and see what the results are.

God is still on the throne and in control. He's still huge, and I like that, do I think I pleased Him or hurt Him, probably a bit of both. Maybe next week I will please more than hurt. More than ever after this week I want to be like Him, hear His voice and know His heart. That takes time and a deep desire to hang out in His presence, and again time will tell the result. Hopefully I will grow and teach, encourage and bless and not tear down, please Lord hear my heart. I love you and I am so grateful to be loved by you.

It is the things in common that make relationships enjoyable, bit it is the little differences that make them interesting. -- Todd Ruthman

Let's hope I can run the race and make the cloud of witnesses take notice and cheer me on...

I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning to sail my ship.-- Louisa May Alcott