Joy Flows Freely...

I just can't comprehend my God's love for me, I am finally getting it the flying in God's freedom. 

It's restraint, protection and faith all covered in trust and love. He blew me out of the water last week. Just Blew me up!!!

I think my mind will explode as well as my spirit!!!

I don't know what to do but stay close, He is taking me on the adventure of a life time and I won't give up this for anything. Did you know God is so good! 

How do I express this joy without looking like a complete idiot? I want to climb the highest mountain and scream and dance and Love my God for His goodness towards me...

I feel like I'm walking in His glorious light and I will dance with Him!!!

Wow who knew what God would do, He asked me to give Him 3 years and I didn't know what for, I just knew I would. As the time past I wondered what it meant. I started to tell Him this better be noticeably huge. Last week a little of what it was was revealed. I just can't believe it.

I planted some seeds and they grew into strong, tall trees, Huge and with deep roots, Have you seen those trees that just blow your mind with their majesty and beauty, they have taken centuries to grow and you travel around the bend and they fill your view with their awesomeness. Can you picture the scene? That's what happened, I couldn't see but quickly it came into sight. Faith saw  what my God had provided while my emotions just exploded. God knew it before time began, now I see it, I can almost taste it, it's so real.

The scripture  "However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"- 1 corinthians 2:9 has become so real, my eye hadn't seen it, my ears hadn't heard it, it hadn't entered my heart, but God had, He knew, He loved me, His plans for me are exactly what He said, Huge, Good, Beautiful...

I am in awe at His goodness and the beauty of His plan. Do I know all ? No, not a chance, is there still walking it out in patience and yes even more Faith YES, but wow the Joy of the Lord will definitely be my strength. 

God has settled this in my spirit being for many many years, would I have accepted it back then, not a chance, but to see the story unfold and His plans revealed even a little, yes blows my mind into thousands of fragments, floating, shimmering, dancing in His light. 

How do I restrain myself from declaring His love to the mountains, the valleys and the oceans, I don't know, I picture my self just hugging myself and spinning, Do you hear my heart God, never let this go. Protect it, grow it deep and strong, for your honor and worship, Flow...Let your will be done in your timing. 

I come against the enemy of God with the power He has set in my Life, with the authority of his adoption.

Oh how my patience is wrought... I want it now, the three months left of the 3 years will be agony, I just know it, but with God we can do anything. 

Imagine longing for something a life time, never seeing any chance of an answer and then the bondage is broken and your spirit is released. How would you feel? Yes that's right Freedom under restraint for God's timing to come. 

Thats how I feel, yep Freedom under restraint, the emotions are immense, I just want to explode, literally, I have an excitement inside that is overwhelming, I have struggled with certain things and they have become insignificant. How can one instant change your life forever. Jump out of the boat, see His goodness and you'll get a glimpse! These feelings can only grow stronger, what do I do with them, I try and hold on, have you seen the scene in the movie of it's a wonderful life when he says do you want the moon,  to Mary

"It's a Wonderful Life (1946)

George Bailey: What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary. 
Mary: I'll take it. Then what? 
George Bailey: Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see... and the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair... am I talking too much? "

Yes I want to eat the moon, I think I already have and the moonbeams are shooting out, but not just with light but strong emotions exploding from my core being. 

I want to hold, be held, dance, sing, touch, feel, shout and jump, but all in God's perfect timing...

Does more healing have to occur, yes years of hurt take a long time, but God heals, His word promises it.

Having someone, friends, family along side to hold, care, trust, believe, and pray for you works, it does...

I challenge you to step out of the boat and see his goodness allow God to do the impossible/improbable  in your Life and walk on water. With the eyes of faith and trust in God, keeping your heart focused on Him you will not sink.

I promise you!!!

Breath, Trust, Be Active in your Own Life and Bathe in the Sunshine!!

I saw a plastic bag flying freely in the air , it floated in the warm currents of air, swooping and rising in the freedom that it found, then I saw a butterfly just dodging being hit by a car, it flew in between the traffic bouncing over the windshields. I just thought we can fly because of the air and the one who carries us no matter what  circumstances we find ourselves in or we can dodge bullets despite who we are made to be. Profound even if I do say so myself ! 


I awoke this week with a dream, which I thought was a nightmare. I walked through my bathroom door which had become an indoor swimming pool, stuff from my bedroom was floating about and I smiled to myself about my cheeky nephews and their childish adventure. Then glancing around I saw the worst sight. My daughter fully clothed, wearing winter clothes all bundled up was lying at the bottom, I jumped in and she was cold and stiff. My first thought she had committed suicide. I awoke shouting no no and the tears fell on my cheeks. I rushed to pray for her safety and scanned the pages of her Facebook to find her wonderfully smiling face. It left me shaken and questioning what it meant.


 Later when retelling the story I was given the interpretation. My daughter is in Australia at YWAM doing a Dts, and is about to leave for Thailand. She hurt for so long over her dad and I's split and how she felt unloved and abandoned and no longer his number one. This week she told me I should do a Dts and get healed totally. As she had done. 


 Thinking about this I knew she had died, died to her old self and chosen Life and Life more abundantly. A life filled with hope, healing and growth. The baggage that clothed her for so long was dead too. She was free. 


How great is our Father God....


I have been struggling with a few things and when I went out to lunch with a friend, she spoke wise words to me. Hard to hear but if taken freeing. She said she challenged me, that my marriage was dead, he walked away from me and God, that I should stop trying to resurrect the dead. It's like John used to say a dead carcass has been strapped to my back I thought I was carrying life, hope but it had chosen death and was now rotting  and eating into me. I had to move forward not be stiff necked from looking back. She continued to challenge me to be active in my life.


I love to sit and trust and not really move in some things like letting go of John, it's safer not to turn and face forward I know the past , the future is kind of scary. But how if I keep dreaming of freedom will I reach it without actually stepping out of the boat and actually trusting God that the water will hold me.


Two future or maybe even more are in my dreams, challenged to go for it has made me think of my daughter, she chose new birth, death to her old self and life to her future. How wonderful is that. She amazes me, I am so proud of her, she blesses my heart so much. I miss her but love her for going for it. To see her fly is such a joy in my life. I love it. But I can't just watch her live her life and see mine die, I'm young and vibrant too, my 48th birthday is just around the corner. This has been a long 10 years. I chose Life.

No longer choosing the empty, corroded boxes but looking to my God, who knows His plans for me, good plans for my good.

I chose to dance with God despite the circumstances I find myself in. I move Forward...

Dance with me

I always want to write a blog at extreme times of emotion either happy or sad, angry or scared, Why is that? I'm only moved to write under extremes? Basically I think I like to not think too deeply just now. Everywhere I look I see hurt, devastation, brokenness and very little blessing, is it only me and my eyes, maybe it is.

It's completely different as I look at my daughter who has gone to Australia for dts in YWAM, she is loving it, she is happy, she is healing, she is growing and I am just loving the look on her face and the excitement in her voice. I know God got her there... in the natural she just wouldn't have made it. The people, her dad, who she was relying on to help fund just didn't come through. I was just blown away by the people who helped her in small ways and big ways, each one has another jewel in their crown as I am so appreciative of this chance she has received.

She is going to Thailand in just over a week for 9 weeks, a little apprehensive but so excited to be used by God in this way, all the training will go into action now, She's going  with some other awesome youth. I pray she grows even more and has every opportunity to see God's power and love move through her as she works with hurting people.

Kathryn in Scotland

She is my ray of hope just now and my son and his fiancee are my anchor, rudder, helpmates in my walk along this weird life I am living.

John n Stephanie (Scotland 2010)

They got engaged last summer in the most romantic proposal I have seen, beside Skye in Scotland. They are now preparing for their wedding and plans and excitement are under way for this much anticipated day. They are a beautiful couple inside and out and I am blessed to be part of their lives. I have seen them grow into strong individuals in God and as a couple and it's just beautiful to watch them develop in this way.

My life is wonderful in many ways, I know but this blog was started to get out my frustrations and to help me heal from a terrible tragedy called adultery and to bring me to a freedom in my walk with God that I was finding very hard to experience at that time. Many things have changed since then, my family are growing up and leaving the nest. 

                               

In ways that I love and ways that hurt my heart not because I don't love their choice in the person but just in the way they have chosen. I believe in marriage, it's a beautiful commitment to a person you love to say I am there for you no matter what. Whether that worked in my case I hoped wouldn't affect my children, through prayer and guidance and love I hoped they would walk with Him as I do.

I love my middle son but he has chosen a harder path than I would have chosen for him, a broken past led him to decisions that he let happen instead of creating a life of joy to the Lord he has walked away. He is still Paul just not fulfilled in away and growing in all he could be if he had God supporting and breathing life and love into him as He so wants to do. I believe in God's word and that my son and his girlfriend Sarai, will walk in God's power and plan. It's not that they don't fill my heart with joy and love, as they do it's just that with my whole existence I believe in God first, last and in between. He is my reason for living, to develop a relationship and to do His will is why I live, so in this I know living together is not His way. I love them so much and see such great things in them, I just want to see what God can do in them. 

All that aside and the reason for this entry is that yet again I am processing fear. I don't like it, money or the lack of it. The constant struggle with what I should do is driving me nuts. My last blog was about my ex telling me I had to drop out of school and find work. He has dropped my money $1500 the last two months. I have credit card debt and I dropped two of my classes to try and help my son with his school debt and I thought I had longer before he would create this instability in my life. It's weird but before every time he has done something I get a dream or a feeling about him and then something wrong happens. I had three dreams about him the previous night. Before every revealed detail of his affair came out and before every add on happening, divorce papers etc I have had some warning, I believe from God. I spoke about these dreams just before I got the check. Two weeks ago I had a weird thought, where it came from I'm not sure that he was going to leave his new wife. Then one of the dreams was about her not doing what he expected her to do, he was upset. I really don't know what all that means and I don't even know why I'm writing it down but that I feel it has significance. 

I know God, He really is my provider He really is my shield, I have a calling, a plan that I will fulfill, I believe it and in writing it helps me to recenter this understanding. I love my life where it will go I just don't know. It's been great yet hard but I am still breathing fresh air, still drinking refreshing water and still walking in the knowledge that God has greater power than the one who tries to take me down. I will go on I will move forward I can do anything that I need to do to walk this life with purpose and power through my God who will supply all my needs, I bow to His will, His understanding of me.

The warrior Bride holds the sword of the spirit!  

Just being part of His body, God being the brain, tells me instinctively where I go, move, breath, and function, not by a loud spoken command but by an electrical impulse of power I am alive and doing. My own brain doesn't tell my tongue to command the rest of my body to function it just simply thinks and it happens. Spiritually it's the same. God doesn't have to shout commands he just simply has to think them and the power flows. I function properly as I move and seek and live in His presence. I sit and lay my head on his chest, he comforts, and thinks peace into existence in my life. God let your will be done. I just want to dance with You...

Why do I fear?

I knew this day was coming but I just went on with my life hoping that I could just change things by not changing things. I have been going to school to study photography and my expenses were being paid by my ex-husband as part of the divorce. The kids are growing up, the oldest is getting married and the middle has moved out and my daughter has gone to DTS in Australia with YWAM for 6 months so it really is inevitable that things as regards to finances would change, but I buried my head and kept on going.

My heart is beating faster and sweat broke out on my body but the things I've gone through should have prepared me for this event happening. I have to become independent some time and I really would like to not depend on someone who doesn't love me.

But my heart is still fearful of the unknown.

I have a God who personally cares, that's what I believe so I just have to continue to believe it. Kathryn raised money for YWAM with God's help. so I must step up to the plate and do the same thing.

But I'm still scared... Why? I have talent and encouragement and a family that loves me.

Up until John cheated I had a really secure life. I went from my dad's house to my husbands and I loved and was loved in return. Then the season of change arrived. This is the reason this blog was started... In writing my thoughts on how I try to reach freedom with my God.  So this part just has to be the next part. I have to come to terms with that. John senior chose a life without me in it and I have to move on. It feels rather surreal even now that my best friend is married to another woman and has a son with her. His first family doesn't mean as much to him as it once did and in this day and age that is normal. People marry divorce and marry again. Except I didn't believe in that. I believed I married for good I supported my husband and he had his career and he supported us. I had a college education but chose to be a stay at home mother. After John left I went back to school and got another degree to teach social studies in high school and then substituted for experience. Then I was awoken one morning by God I believe, saying to me why didn't I follow my passion and do photography. You may think I'm crazy for doing that but I have loved taking pictures since I was 12.

God asked me to take His photo... Freedom Photography grew from there. I went back to school and for the last 2 years have been studying chemical, digital and film photography. I started out with a calling and continued to learn and experience this area of study trying to get better. I have another 2 years to finish my degree but that all seems to be changing.

Two and a half years ago I felt God asked me to give him 3 years, this summer that will be up. When He spoke I thought it was until John might come back to the Lord and sort himself out. But God never said that, he just said give him 3 years. Another 6 months, do you think my life could change for the better in that time? I just don't know.

I don't think I will be on the street and I want to work but I'm just scared of change and need help in gaining employment. I want to be a photography teacher but don't know if that can happen if I don't have a degree. I also want to start a photography business.

I feel a bit like the Scarlett in Gone with the wind and want to say I can't think about it any more today I'll think about it tomorrow. That is probably what got me into this mess but it's the only way I can function while I put things into perspective. John says nothing will change if I don't see a need to change and there he is probably right. Why change from being a student who loves learning and going to school. John knows work, he is a business man, he makes money and is a workaholic. Obviously we are very different. I am a dreamer. I live with hope that love will come into my life but this has been nearly 10 years that I have fought and I am alone. Why do I think I am any different. Everyone else worksnowadays. I have to too. Hopefully in this economy I will find work that will support me. The fear seems to be settling and getting weaker and the determination to move forward is moving in.

I am excited to see what God will do next, I must trust Him not to let me down as this world has. He promised to care and look after me. How He will do that is not plainly seen yet but I have talent and passion and I am not lazy just a little fearful. God has equipped me now I have to move forward and apply what I have learned.

Staying in school this semester seems like a waste of money and time and maybe I should reconsider dropping out and God will show me, I have to believe that.

I wrote that bit yesterday when everything was fresh, I am excited about where this will take me. I have a plan to sit my art exam to teach so I can go for interviews in that department. God is good He takes fear and replaces it with His perfect love I can do this thing called life because God is with me.

Proverbs 31:25 NLT She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

1 Timothy 4:12

For my cell group,

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

It's not always this , it could be this

We love and trust each other

In Speech; pursue truth, build others up, tender, forgiveness, gratitude,
In Love; agape-means sacrifice, a lasting impression,
In Faith; believing the essentials, obedience of the principles, assurance of things not seen,

In Purity; absense of corruption- not a set of rules but a holy awe of God, morally pure as a response to God's revealed holiness. Purity is achieved by being exposed to God, I am Holy because He is Holy

 
What you say, do, your love, faith and purity joins together to design the sort of imprint that you leave on those around you.
 
God will enable you to endure trials and hardships in order to harden His characteristics into you.
 
This was Paul speaking to Timothy, the older to the younger but for the example to believers. I always thought about being an example to the ones who didn't know God so they would see him but this was for those who knew God, older, younger, and the same age, everyone. This is so cool I have this word for my cell and God just keeps adding to it.
 

I have started going to a group called Koinonia,

 

Koinonia is a Greek word that occurs 20 times in the Bible. Koinonia’s primary meaning is “fellowship, sharing in common, communion.” The first occurrence of koinonia is Acts 2:42, “They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.” Christian fellowship is a key aspect of the Christian life. Believers in Christ are to come together in love, faith, and encouragement. That is the essence of koinonia.

This group of ladies meet to do this and one said To trust Him you have to be intimate with Him, so powerful. It's not about how much we know but encouraging one another to go deeper with God. I am being encoraged not only to trust God more but also to trust people. I have never shared this blog with anyone but maybe the time will come. God is good.

Faith, a deeper connection

Faith has three main elements. In the first place, it is trust in God. It is a confidence in the trustworthiness, fidelity and reliability of God. It is about rejoicing in his presence and power, being open to his prompting and guidance through prayer, and experiencing the motivation and comfort of the Holy Spirit. It is a deep sense of longing to be close to God, of wanting to praise his name, of being aware of his presence. In many ways, this aspect of Christian faith is like being in love with someone: you want to be with them, enjoying their presence and feeling secure with them. It concerns the heart, rather than the head; it is emotional, rather than intellectual. It is the powerhouse of Christian life, keeping us going through the difficult times and exciting us during the good times.


I want a deeper relationship with Jesus one where I long to be in His presence all the time, I know that whatever I say to help make a difference in people's lives, has no depth or real power and meaning if God doesn't back it up with his annointing and presense. I realize I have nothing of worth to say if the Holy Spirit doesn't back it up.


I was watching Heidi Baker again last night, she is so in touch with Jesus she loves Him, I want that depth of reality in my life that I don't just think about it but I live it out. I keep saying this but I fail. I am so puny in my walk. Living out the life of Christ in me isn't easy, I make too many mistakes but I keep going. I desire to keep going.
blog from 2009

What's been Happening

Well I have to go to the doctor tomorrow, I have had bronchitus since dec and I'm a little better but still not healthy, but I stopped my blod thinners as of the first of this month so tomorrow is a check up. Weird, since my last blog I have had quite a time. Really different, different struggles, different blessings, different life. Took stock at the beginning of the year and I am getting back on track. School has started back in my life. A photography degree this time. Lots of arty stuff, fun but tiring. I still substitute teach when I can so my life is busy busy busy. Why am I blogging today though, well I felt like it. I realised that God had shown me something that I thought was cool and I wanted to share. Faith! big subject, many layers, lots of thoughts. Faith has action on our part. Let me describe it as a faucet. You know and trust that water will come out but you have to turn it on, that's your part. God provides the water, you have to trust Him which comes from your relationship with Him but you have to step out of the boat..... you have a part to play in the equation. Often we say God do your stuff, build my faith help me to believe when He is saying I am, but you do your bit.
God asked me to take His photo, strange eh!!!!! Showing who God is in my photography is my calling, to get there I have to take pictures, try out ideas, but it's more, I have to be a servant, for others, and bless others to be a blessing. That's my part too. Sounds a bit confusing but my point is, God wants to use us, not just do it for us, we want to be used, to grow, to be like Him, show His love, and His joy and His beauty, all parts of Him, but we have to act, to do, to be.

I love when God changes our ideas by doing. I was a prayer partner in our Life Advance weekend at church, part of our job is to pray for healing etc. Well I was thinking God, I'm sick, I can only do this if you do it, if you give me the words. The interesting part was that I didn't have the words, boldness, truth in action, leading from God till..... I opened my mouth and started talking. It was so cool, so exciting, God used me  I loved it. I find I am as blessed as the lady I was praying for, so cool, so fun, so good.

Well it's late I know I should do this more when I have time but what's time ha ha, I'll love you and leave ya as my mam used to say, Have a great day...

In Our Quiet Time I Rejoice

Lord, You keep me, You Keep Me,
When I stray You keep me,
When I stay close You keep me,
When I am in rejection You keep me,
When I am in love You keep me,
When I have Joy You keep me,
When I have sorrow You keep me,
When I have abundant life You keep me,
When I have loneliness You keep me,
When I have peace You keep me,
When I am found in You, You keep me,
When I am afar off You keep me,
You rejoice in me, You love me,
Your heart is filled with love and delight when I rejoice in you,
Your heart beats with love even when I walk away,
Lord you keep me at all times,
You are the constant force; You are the power found in me,
You and I are together
By Chris Buchan , 31st August 2009

When I was having my quiet time I realized while writing that no matter where I was, or what I was feeling, or doing that God loves me and keeps me, it's Him all about Him, made me feel very cared for and loved.

God's Creativity

Recent photos from Galveston beach

My Health, My Faith, My Peace........

Galveston Beach

Over the last few months I wasn't feeling very well but I just thought I was getting old, I then started to have a lot of pain and was finally convinced to go to the doctor. I'm more of a God heal me kind of person so it was really a miracle to get me there. As I found out that I had blood clots in my lungs and more than a liter of fluid had to be drained off of my right lung. I was blessed to be alive as if the clots had moved I could have died. I have been poked prodded and bled to see what caused it to find out they don't know. over $45,000 it costs but I'm alive and now on the mend. I am on blood thinners and just finishing my second course of steroids but I am so at peace.

Through this whole time I have only experienced moments of fear, no more, the rest of the time I have felt, blessed, loved, cared for and just plain peaceful. I know that God saved my life and is looking after me and it's set me free that wee bit more. Which is so good.

At church after coming out of the hospital I just felt so humbled to be able to say thank you to my God.

This past Sunday I just wanted to shout so I did, I sang louder coz I could, and worshipped my friend. That's what He is my friend, yes God but He didn't heal me He got me to the doctor, very strange, why I don't know, maybe I have to trust people not just Him, who really cares yes I want all He has for me but I felt loved. God is my carer. I trust Him with my life. How cool not that I'm invincible but just taken care of. LOVED!!!

I like life but apart from leaving all the things I want to do and not wanting to see my family sad not to have me and to take care of them, it would be so cool to see God and hang out. He likes me how cool is that, warts and all. I have so many flaws but He loves me. I can't grasp it but I feel it. I don't have to see stuff I just have to be with HIM...

I am closer to my goal of freedom. People, bless em, don't have to get me, I don't have to please them, I just have to love and be loved. WOW!!!! God is definitely great.

I went to the beach, I love the beach, even with this body I now have, 75lbs heavier than when John was with me. But I just swam, sang, floated out in the sea for a long long time having my quiet time with Jesus, except it wasn't all that quiet ha ha. Freedom, just to be..... I felt so happy, at one point after John left I wondered if I ever would be happy again, wow God has really healed me, I feel so much JOY, which is an experience not just a feeling. It comes because , through and with Jesus. I love it.

Thank you Lord for giving and keeping me in LIFE. You are awesome and I love you so much!!!!!!!!