It's completely different as I look at my daughter who has gone to Australia for dts in YWAM, she is loving it, she is happy, she is healing, she is growing and I am just loving the look on her face and the excitement in her voice. I know God got her there... in the natural she just wouldn't have made it. The people, her dad, who she was relying on to help fund just didn't come through. I was just blown away by the people who helped her in small ways and big ways, each one has another jewel in their crown as I am so appreciative of this chance she has received.
She is going to Thailand in just over a week for 9 weeks, a little apprehensive but so excited to be used by God in this way, all the training will go into action now, She's going with some other awesome youth. I pray she grows even more and has every opportunity to see God's power and love move through her as she works with hurting people.
Kathryn in Scotland
She is my ray of hope just now and my son and his fiancee are my anchor, rudder, helpmates in my walk along this weird life I am living.
John n Stephanie (Scotland 2010)
They got engaged last summer in the most romantic proposal I have seen, beside Skye in Scotland. They are now preparing for their wedding and plans and excitement are under way for this much anticipated day. They are a beautiful couple inside and out and I am blessed to be part of their lives. I have seen them grow into strong individuals in God and as a couple and it's just beautiful to watch them develop in this way.
My life is wonderful in many ways, I know but this blog was started to get out my frustrations and to help me heal from a terrible tragedy called adultery and to bring me to a freedom in my walk with God that I was finding very hard to experience at that time. Many things have changed since then, my family are growing up and leaving the nest.
In ways that I love and ways that hurt my heart not because I don't love their choice in the person but just in the way they have chosen. I believe in marriage, it's a beautiful commitment to a person you love to say I am there for you no matter what. Whether that worked in my case I hoped wouldn't affect my children, through prayer and guidance and love I hoped they would walk with Him as I do.
I love my middle son but he has chosen a harder path than I would have chosen for him, a broken past led him to decisions that he let happen instead of creating a life of joy to the Lord he has walked away. He is still Paul just not fulfilled in away and growing in all he could be if he had God supporting and breathing life and love into him as He so wants to do. I believe in God's word and that my son and his girlfriend Sarai, will walk in God's power and plan. It's not that they don't fill my heart with joy and love, as they do it's just that with my whole existence I believe in God first, last and in between. He is my reason for living, to develop a relationship and to do His will is why I live, so in this I know living together is not His way. I love them so much and see such great things in them, I just want to see what God can do in them.
All that aside and the reason for this entry is that yet again I am processing fear. I don't like it, money or the lack of it. The constant struggle with what I should do is driving me nuts. My last blog was about my ex telling me I had to drop out of school and find work. He has dropped my money $1500 the last two months. I have credit card debt and I dropped two of my classes to try and help my son with his school debt and I thought I had longer before he would create this instability in my life. It's weird but before every time he has done something I get a dream or a feeling about him and then something wrong happens. I had three dreams about him the previous night. Before every revealed detail of his affair came out and before every add on happening, divorce papers etc I have had some warning, I believe from God. I spoke about these dreams just before I got the check. Two weeks ago I had a weird thought, where it came from I'm not sure that he was going to leave his new wife. Then one of the dreams was about her not doing what he expected her to do, he was upset. I really don't know what all that means and I don't even know why I'm writing it down but that I feel it has significance.
I know God, He really is my provider He really is my shield, I have a calling, a plan that I will fulfill, I believe it and in writing it helps me to recenter this understanding. I love my life where it will go I just don't know. It's been great yet hard but I am still breathing fresh air, still drinking refreshing water and still walking in the knowledge that God has greater power than the one who tries to take me down. I will go on I will move forward I can do anything that I need to do to walk this life with purpose and power through my God who will supply all my needs, I bow to His will, His understanding of me.
Just being part of His body, God being the brain, tells me instinctively where I go, move, breath, and function, not by a loud spoken command but by an electrical impulse of power I am alive and doing. My own brain doesn't tell my tongue to command the rest of my body to function it just simply thinks and it happens. Spiritually it's the same. God doesn't have to shout commands he just simply has to think them and the power flows. I function properly as I move and seek and live in His presence. I sit and lay my head on his chest, he comforts, and thinks peace into existence in my life. God let your will be done. I just want to dance with You...
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