When God came Near

When God came Near

Crushing fear held my passion in its grip
As dreaded thoughts filled my mind, tears fell,
Frail and fragile was my Safeguard
Was I without help?

Then God came near,
In beauty and love He restored my soul
Joy and peace released within, flooded my being
Dreams came anew, life again had hope.

It is written perfect love casts out fear,
Love conquers all, and my God is able to deliver me,
Truth has power, prayer just the beginning
Launch me Lord once more on my journey.

A solitary Life lacking purpose is not to be
Dreams portrayed and spoken aloud refreshed my mind
Truth transferred from Time Began to Grateful Daughter
Energized, renewed, inspired, I ran, I danced I flew.

As images unfold breathtaking is your love, my Lord
Shadows my path will not share, the Sun shines on every step,
With youthful force towering Mountains, crystal streams, cornfields vast,
Is placed before.

As a mother hen gathers her chicks, God reveals His heart
Bushfire burns the trees, black devastation,
Hope emerges when floodwaters pour in,
The lonely, weary, broken, my purpose is revealed
Come to the river, the water is clear and sparkling in the sun,
God draws all to himself, His love is vast
He brings life and purpose to the lost and weary.
My Love gave my life meaning
Aug 8th 2007

Stand on God's Promises

I Stand on God’s Promises

Today fear is not a stranger it stays close by
I am God's daughter I must stand and not listen to the lie.
Every time I hear from him I sense this knot of dread,
Why do I feel like a child & crave to cover my head?
Instead I stand on God's promises.

Who am I? The person he assumed me to be,
As I hung on his every word I could not see,
Trying to please, I tried to belong
He speaks, he hurts, & his words play the same old song,
But, I stand on God's promises

What happened? Life but not Spirit
I tried, I loved, but his heart could not be lit,
He ran, he left, as his desire was for a new,
No way back? What was I to do?
God is always the answer His words are life & truth;
I need to listen to the still quiet voice.
As I stand on God's promises

Prayer works, friends' encourage and comfort,
Family, are my life my heart,
I am me not who he perceives me to be,
God created made me strong, truthful, passionate,
As I stand on God's promises

Lord you are the giver of life, even my life
Many tears have fallen, while you stepped in,
Each one you collected you saw them all,
My provider even as the sparrows fall
My shield against all the fiery darts
Thank you lord I stand on your promises

I must stand firm on truth my shield He will be.
I have a future, I have purpose, and fears will be conquered look and see,
My God shall supply all my needs
He is the fountain of which I drink true love
Let me plant the seeds of faith & not be strangled by the weeds of fear.
And stand on God's promises

Aug 27th 2007

Come Away With Me

Come Away With Me

Lord, come away with me in the cool of the morning,
I will soar, I will jump, I will breathe in your beauty,
I will soar in your love, your glory, your joy,
Lord you are so good, so strong, so majestic, so powerful,
My love, come away with me.

Let my heart fall in love with you once more,
Fill my heart with your sweet love,
Let me be with you and whisper in my ear,
I love you Lord, My heart longs for your touch,
My heart soars at the thought of your glance,
As your eyes reach my soul.

Lord your eyes are beauty filled with so much love,
Run with me! Soar with me!
Lord, we will dance together, Lord all my firsts with you,
My love, my joy, my peace, I will trust you,
I will rest in you.

Lord, take my hand and lets flee,
Take me to your heart,
Let me lay against your chest,
Let me rest in calm assurance, that all is well.
Lord let us dance together, let us run together,
Lord let us laugh together, Let us love together,
Fill my heart, my mind, my soul,
We will, we will, we will be together,
Lover of my soul come away with me.

In the cool of the morning come away with me,
In the cool of the evening come away with me,
Your sweet presence fills me with delight,
Come away with me,
Your Sweet and holy presence, Come away! Come away!

Written by Chris B. Buchan April 1st 2008

Older posts that were lost

Friday, March 24, 2006
Winston Churchill once said " Kites rise highest against the wind not with it"

Hey All,

Well I gave you a little of my story in my first blog, and will now continue on.The first few weeks after he walked out are simply a blur, with lots of tears and confusion. Where had my blessed life gone. It was Christmas time and I had to tell the family that dad would not becoming home and why. Dad had seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth and wouldn't answer any phone calls. My daughter was devastated. So we went to friends who felt like family, as we no longer lived in the same country that we were brought up in as we had emigrated to America 6 years before. When this mess had just started happening we had just moved to Texas and so my network wasn't very big. So my friends let me rant and rave and ask many many "Why" questions. I felt so lost, but I had to help my children work through this as well. that was the worst Christmas I ever had!!!

I have gone through many changes since that time, and I thought that I would never be happy again. This was wrong thinking. God is bigger than adultery. I have learned that He has big shoulders and a great heart for listening to all sorts of junk. Before this happened I always came to God trying to be perfect. I wanted to show Him that I was doing well. This helped me to see that I was weak and He was my strength. I didn't have to be perfect just willing to grow and become more and more like Him.I have also learned that to keep above all this mess I need good strong Christians in my life who can pray and help hold me up when I struggle. Positive people who will allow me to dream my dreams and not judge or criticize me is also important. Not yes men friends but encouraging and honest at the same time. These I have found, which is a continued source of blessing.

One of the first things I did in my quest in reaching for freedom was to go back to school. I had been a teacher before and thought that a slight change would be best. School was scary but at the same time great. My mind was occupied and I was busy. With the encouragement from professors and students I got my interdisciplinary studies degree. Then I did my certification and I am now studying to pass my final teaching exam in Social Studies. Hopefully I can teach High school psychology and history. I also want to go on and study to become a counselor. I have to sit an entrance exam to get in to graduate studies in education and counseling so I have some time left, but I enjoy the challenge.

Just after last summer I lost a good friend and it rocked my world as she had been such a source of encouragement and help and I felt so down. She had been the one to help me through all this. I went down hill for about 4 months and I found it hard to get off the couch. Nothing was working out. I felt so lost and alone. I should be healing by now, not getting worse. After many weeks I reached out and phoned my family and friends and asked them to pray. I had been reading this book and it asked many questions about growing in our relationship with God as a single person, and I could not answer any of them positively. But after asking for prayer I felt encouraged and reread the questions and managed to answer four of them positively. Nothing had changed apart from prayer. I believe in the power of prayer.That was 3 months ago. My brother told me to get a job, any job, just get out of the house, and a few days later I was offered a part time receptionist job, which was perfect as it let me continue to study at the same time.

I also started a new church as I had been struggling with my self image of being different and needed new friends. I went to a small church and everybody seemed to be happy and married so with the pastor's blessing I went searching. I tried a huge church but was more lost there than before. Then I went on the Internet and found a church that had just moved to a new building. I went on the Sunday and they were so friendly and invited me to a small group meeting. These people were so caring and encouraging. That was a month ago and my daughter really likes the church and I feel I have found my church home. It is very similar to what I was brought up with and I feel so cared for there.I now felt ready to try a divorce care group. I know I am not divorced and don't want to be, but I do need healing, guidance and help, and felt this was a great opportunity to receive that. Again the people who ran this group were very caring. I cried and laughed that first evening but I felt better.

Maybe there was happiness out there for me. I told them I felt my dreams had been ripped away from me, that I was no longer a family, I had so wanted to become a mighty woman of God but the church seemed to only use couples in ministry. They encouraged me to change my thinking. I was a family. God could use me and was. I could have new and different dreams.Thinking about this I believe I have climbed a hill, turned another corner, and begun the healing process. I feel lighter. I went on a forty day fast from solid food, and joined a gym. I was 73lbs heavier than when my husband left and it was time to find myself again. That was 2o lbs ago. Only 53 to go!!!! I feel happier.

I haven't got that deep joy back but I see glimpses of it. I have a tiny dream of believing the Lord can heal that big hurt. He is my joy. I don't need a man to fulfill me. God created me and he can fix me.

Reaching for freedom for me is to become the woman that God made me to be. That is real freedom. To discover His dream for my life would set me free to live again and become the real me. That would be deep joy and is my goal.

"One of the most important lessons that experience teaches is that, on the whole, success depends more upon character than upon either intellect or fortune."
William Edward Hartpole Lecky. Irish Historian and Essayist. 1838-1903

Dear All,
Since last writing my blog quite a few things have happened. I was served with divorce papers without any warning, which was a real shocker, but I should have known that my husband's word didn't mean anything, but It still hurt. Something good came from it when I realised that I was a lot stronger than I thought I was. I phoned him and asked him what he was doing and gave him some advice. We went out to talk and I felt as though we had made a break through but since then I realise that he uses me and is really different from the man I married.

He wanted me to sign a paper so that he could buy his dream house with her. It was so sad. I told him he must be very angry and that he had a hole in his heart that could not be filled with anything but God. When I questioned him he became passive aggressive and threatened that the negotiations would stop. I was not frightened of him, and chose to sign the paper in return for something I wanted. When I signed the paper I felt that he had really chosen between us. I know that this sounds very much as though I have been living in a parallel world, but I thought he was going to change. In my way of thinking God is the most important and life is not worth living if He is not in it. Obviously John doesn't think that. It is strange to see a person so changed. He loved the Lord. He says he still believes the same as before but he chooses not to think about it. This is so hard for me to understand or even to believe.
I also found out that she isn't even divorced yet. This also made me think that they are very suited for each other. They really don't care who they hurt or destroy they live by selfish feelings and motives.

My feelings now are that I am finally healing. This has been going on for five years. I have been married for twenty-three. We had a good marriage that I was willing to try and save. I have done my best. I have fasted and prayed. I have been patient and loving and unless he wants to change I can't do anything that will change his mind. I don't know how to believe any more. I loved him so much. When I look back I see the bad times but that is only part of our marriage. There were good times too. With time hopefully I will remember those.
I finally feel strong enough to go home and visit friends and family which I am really excited about. It will be hard to see where I grew up with him but it is time. My daughter hasn't been home since she was eight and she is now fifteen. She needs to rediscover her roots and so do I. I will see family and friends some don't know what has happened but hopefully I can tell my story without tears. We will wait and see.

My divorce care class has been a tremendous help in steering me in the right path and helping to explain and answer some questions. Their support has been so valuable. The church I found has been such a blessing. They love me and support me. I have even been asked to join the worship team. Who would have thought, I love to worship as it grows your relationship with God. God has as always been my strength and my hope. I feel I can see a light and future in my life.

I laugh and feel happier than I have done for many years. I passed my final exam to become a high school teacher, so can begin to look for a full time job. I feel stronger with God's help I can do all things and conquer all adversity. There is changes but they will work out for good as God has great plans for my life, and as I put my trust in Him I don't have to be afraid or worry, as He is in charge of my future.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006
The author John Buchan once said "The best prayers have often more groans than words"

Dear All,

Well this is my first official blog on this site. I will be writing about how I feel as a Christian and as a wife and mother, who is separated from her husband.

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I grew up in a loving Christian home and believed that as a follower of Jesus if I obeyed His principles and teachings my life would be blessed, e.g. A+B=C This I proved for 37 years to be correct in my life, but got a rude awakening when I found an email from my husband to another woman, addressing her with my pet name!!! I had been aware than our otherwise happy and perfect marriage had been in trouble for over a year, and had been trying to discover the cause, as he kept saying that he didn't know what was wrong, but he just didn't know if he loved me any more. This as a christian woman I knew was wrong. Up until a year before we had a loving and caring healthy marriage, and as we were both born again believers in Jesus anything was possible with God and love didn't die, you had to choose whether to work at it , but it was forever.

Finding the email destroyed so much. I went through to talk to him as he was asleep in bed, so I woke him up. He was confused but knew exactly what I was saying. He didn't deny it and wasn't sorry either. I was angry and so terribly hurt. This was a stranger. He had been my childhood friend and sweet heart. We had been together for 23 years and married for 19 of those. I didn't remember life without him in it. All my dreams were tied up in his. What did I do now? I started to talk and talk, telling him how the Lord had made us for each other. We had prayed and believed that the other was the right choice for us. Did he believe that? At first he didn't know, then he agreed, but didn't know what he wanted to do. So I asked him to leave.... Before the day was half through I was on the phone and asking him to come home so we could talk. I had so many questions but most of them could wait. I wanted him to know that I could forgive him and we could put this behind us, we could be stronger.

He came home but was very distant but I worked and worked at trying to convince him to try and work on our marriage. He finally agreed. That is a day I will never forget as it was my dad's birthday and one of the worst of my life. We went to counseling and seemed to be much happier. He told me he loved me, and I believed him. A weight seemed to be lifted from his shoulders. I felt sure that this was not my defining moment and we would survive this mess.After a month he had to go on a business trip, back to where she was. I was scared and knew after reading so much material on this subject that he couldn't see her. He had spoken to her before and told her of his decision to restore our marriage. I asked him whether he thought he was strong enough. We had been happier in those few weeks than in so many before them and I didn't want it to be jeopardized. He promised he wouldn't.When he called I knew something was wrong. I asked him whether he had seen her. He said yes. I asked whether he had slept with her and he said yes. I asked him to come home. When he came home we continued to go to counseling but we were not so happy. Everything was strained. He was not trying but he kept saying he was. Again he was lying. He was depressed for months and had been on many business trips. It was just before Christmas and he had again to go out of the country. I drove him to the airport. The goodbyes were so intense, as he would finally looked into my eyes and say it would be fine, and that he would come home. I always felt so lost when driving from the airport.While driving home I had seen a load of telephone bills and I tried to ignore them. It's strange how God allows us to see things when we are only strong enough to cope with them. After a few days I looked. Hundreds of text messages and phone calls were there from her. All the time we had been on vacation trying to build our relationship..... This was a phone call I didn't want to make. He didn't deny it and said he couldn't do this any more. My world as I knew ended that day. He was not coming home. The fairy tell ending was not going to happen. Another day I would not forget, my 19th wedding anniversary and another worst day.That was the beginning of my new life and the discoveries I began to make about the real walk with Jesus I had to make. I will tell you of those in the coming weeks. I still believe in my marriage, but I can only control my life.

That all happened 3 years ago. The affair is nearly 5 years old now. I love my husband, I don't understand him, or know him any more, but I do know the One who does not change or leave or forsake you. His promises are true and His covenant with you will not be broken. I want to finish this blog with I am stronger today than ever. I keep in the word as it's the only part of my life that is constant and true. Truth is very important to me. I still pray for restoration. We are not divorced but are separated. My prayer and my dream is for my husband to be restored to Jesus and his family. Reaching for Freedom is my goal......
posted by Chris 12:51 PM

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Photos

Disappointments

An argument is always about what has been made more important than the relationship.-- Hugh Prather

It's funny this has been a good week and a bad week.

I had some differences of opinion, which is bound to happen, that's life, but it shook me. I thought that I was totally healed from John's rejection but my reaction showed me that it sneaks up on me.

We had break through in our cell and the devil doesn't like that. So trouble is a result, our reaction is what we have control over, there were a lot of hurt feelings but we sorted it with God's love mixed in. We will grow stronger but we have to choose to, it doesn't just fall in our lap.

Then the weekend came. My son's girlfriend has not been a good influence, but we tried, then she finished the relationship. I am so sad for him and angry at her but I am the mother and I can only help him through. Mother's have a strange job, we have to let them grow up, become independent, but be a MOTHER AS WELL. I just want to slap her, but I can't she has used us but you can't say that. You just have to smile. I love my family very much they have gone through a lot. Watching as your child allows someone to tear him down and say he isn't good enough is hard to watch, you say as much as you can without saying too much. Then he is hurt and trying to deal with that. He will be stronger, God will heal him but he has to see that it was a destructive relationship. Please help him Lord, you are his, keep him safe in your love....

People are strange, they say they want real, but when they see it they don't want it. Too real, too loud, too rude. Conversation, good conversation is about depth, passion, opinion, discussion, and sometimes you can't wait your turn. But here in America you have too. Rude seems to me to be a favourite word around here when you talk about someone else but just putting things right when you do it. Oh well, do I shut up or keep talking? I have been told that people love my heart, my passion, my realness, but when I show that stuff and they don't agree it's just rude.

Passive aggressive I am not, I was married to one, and I don't like it but it is harder to pin that down. What do I do, tone myself down, consider everyone more than me, well yes that's what I have to do.

These ramblings sound pathetic, well this week has been difficult and also a blessing. Prayer may have been answered, we will have to wait and see what the results are.

God is still on the throne and in control. He's still huge, and I like that, do I think I pleased Him or hurt Him, probably a bit of both. Maybe next week I will please more than hurt. More than ever after this week I want to be like Him, hear His voice and know His heart. That takes time and a deep desire to hang out in His presence, and again time will tell the result. Hopefully I will grow and teach, encourage and bless and not tear down, please Lord hear my heart. I love you and I am so grateful to be loved by you.

It is the things in common that make relationships enjoyable, bit it is the little differences that make them interesting. -- Todd Ruthman

Let's hope I can run the race and make the cloud of witnesses take notice and cheer me on...

I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning to sail my ship.-- Louisa May Alcott

trying to upload video

Tower Bridge, London England.






Scotland Summer 2008

This was a trial for uploading videos but of christmas time.

I have just come back from a summer in Scotland, very eventful and beautiful as usual and took many many photos as we saw some wonderful sights.

At the beginning I went to a Patricia King conference and saw many supernatural signs and wonders. I also had a week at kids camp and saw kids really enjoy time away from difficult situations. I was truly blessed by them. We went to meetings where the glory of God fell so strongly, more than I have ever experienced before.

We paddled in rivers, climbed hills and scaled mountains, saw castles, lochs and long winding roads. which took my breath away with God's handiwork.

I read the book "the shack" and felt so different in my perception of God and the Holy spirit. I wanted everyone to read it and plan to read it again if I ever get my second copy back!!!

We went to London as well and had two days and saw cool sights.

God is good and I am blessed, Shalom......

Be still, and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)

http://www.davidcostello.com/welcome.html

Memorial day weekend May 2008

I had a wonderful weekend. I went out with Kathryn my daughter and we just sat and spoke outside, it was a great day. Sunday is always busy and I always enjoy worshipping God.

Then I had a day off and we went to Quintana beach in Freeport. I was so looking forward to hearing the waves and I was not disappointed. We came over the hill in the car and there they were. A different colour than I am used to but just wonderful all the same. It was great. I went out with the boogie board and just played. I felt so free. God has been showing me that just spending time with Him and His people in simple things is just so good.

I was reading Heidi Baker's book "Always enough" and it so touched my heart. I was in near tears. She and her Husband Roland have such an awesome testomony. Again I felt the Lord saying they have theirs but I have my plans for you. I feel an awesome peace and freedom growing inside. For the first time in many many years I feel as though I am beginning to have joy in who the Lord made me. It has been quite a journey but let the Lord be praised as I am growing into his daughtter.

Well my weekend was so refreshing, good company, a good location, a good book, a good cup of coffee and the wonderful presense of my best friend Jesus what a blessed weekend, Thank you Jesus

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Thought on Freedom

I named my Blog Reach Freedom as for many years I have been reaching for freedom in my life.
I had become aware of being in a form of bondage in many areas of my life, spiritual, personality, relationships etc and I didn't like it. So I set out to change my life with God's help of course. I realized my greatest strength was knowing I was weak and knowing God was my strength.
In previous years I had become less of myself and more a form of who I thought I should be. This left me bound and so I set out to find the person that God created me to be and to live in that freedom.
I had always lived my life by faith, I loved God but often asked others what they thought, even though I have a point of view and a strong one I am also a people pleaser so would question and beat myself up with doubts about most of the things I said and did. This resulted in never being good enough, which resulted in rejection and confusion. Sounds like I had issues eh??
Anyway, these last five years has been a journey that I would not change for any price. God is wonderful and has shown me that He made me and my job is to live the best life I can for Him. In doing this I have learned many things and unlearned probably even more.
This Blog will map my journey, I journal so I plan to record thoughts here that the Lord has shown me throughout my life and I hope they will be of interest and help to you.
Have a wonderful day Chris x