Chris Buchan's Blog; Reaching for a freedom in Life that will allow me to be more like my Lord Jesus

Friday, May 13, 2011

God Speak... I'm Listening!!



Have you ever had one of those moments, that you just know something is about to happen, you don't know what, you maybe even try to figure it out but it comes out all wrong coz you voiced it too quickly and before it had really grown it's fruit, that's where I am today.

The family have gone to the zoo and I am in much need of some peace and quiet. Too much has been going on, I feel I haven't spent enough time with my best friend and it's just me and him all the way today... awesome God, I am so excited...

What is He going to say, I tried speaking it out in prayer but it got too messy and confusing as it just wasn't there yet... Do you know what I mean, it was germinating not yet grown not yet in bloom. Anything great takes time, patience I am learning is no fun, no fun but very good for you...

I still have such a ways to go!!

I know that but I always try to fly before I can walk, it's just me, but the funny thing is I really like it that way. In my path to finding freedom, I no longer want to go it alone. I'm healed done and dusted, this is no longer about John, but about my walk with God in finding total freedom to be the woman the princess he adopted me to be.

I just wrote this to a friend on facebook who adopted their daughter

"it's just like new birth she gets two because she was made yours that day, Such an awesome thing adoption, we are adopted by God into his royal line, that is so awesome with it comes a lot of responsibility but so much authority as well, humbles you, you are the ones who were given this wonderful child, this beautiful blessing, it makes me feel so blessed, reminds me what real love is, it's a choice not just a warm fuzzy feeling, you are awesome and such a blessing, be blessed today, you changed a life and she changed yours, just like us and God so wonderful!!! so Happy adoption day"

This made me cry because I think this is what God is trying to show me right now. I didn't earn this relationship, I was chosen, adopted into the authority that a child of the King receives. Not a pauper, a slave, a servant, a worker, but a daughter. Do you know how awesome that is?

God, King of Kings, became our father and all that belonged to that relationship came with it. His kingdom is your kingdom, His authority backs you up, His standing is where you live, where you are, your very existence changed when He chose you... I really feel or believe we really don't get this understanding deep in our core being. We should, walk, talk, be different just by who calls us His... for being His child we should automatically be more!!!

I heard Heidi Baker once describe the authority her adopted kids took after they belonged compared to the kids that came for a visit. They had fridge rights, telephone rights, even couch and TV rights lol. That's what we have. When God speaks we listen... hopefully... After our adoption just because we are now named, stamped, given our adoption papers we take on a different standing, we won't unless we really believe He is our dad, not just the father figure but our dad, abba.

Yes let it sink way down deep!

All His authority He gives to us, we have His ring, His stamp of authority, His ear to listen to us and His command to speak.

Think about that really think about it... 

We know He has the authority over us, as we are still His children, but everything else comes into alignment with His will "If" there's that little wee word with the big voice again, "If" we allow him, we can be led to the refrigerator but we can't be made to believe that we have the authority to reach inside till we truly believe we belong...

That I believe is where God's got me today...

Do I truly trust this God, this Father, has He proven himself to love me like my dad?

I believe we go through stuff, hard stuff, we are allowed to question, argue, wonder, but from there we have to trust He is big enough, wise enough, strong enough and trustworthy enough and believe He knows what He is doing.

"If" yes "If" we do, we will be able to walk out with true authority the calling, path, journey He has planned and set before us, but our part is to truly have the Faith in the Faithful one, to take Him at His word and believe Him and trust Him.

Can I do that, I believe I walk taller, believe deeper and have more freedom to walk out my role as His daughter every day!!!

Let me compare it to this next part of my journey... 

A few weeks ago my pastor, friend and mentor went out to lunch with me, I thought I was there for a totally different reason. BUT God had other plans that day. My life changed and I listened to something I never thought was possible for my life.

She told me about marriage, then my marriage, and I listened! I didn't argue I listened, that in itself is a miracle, The seed was planted in the fertile soil God had prepared, He had raked, pulled out the weeds, tilled, fertilized, and watered that earth till it was rich in it's acceptance of the seed that was planted. That seed is growing strong, and deep, it is nurtured in the light and warmth of the Son, the King of Kings is it's gardner and I am blessed, so blessed...

She said my marriage was dead, not by my making but truth all the same that I had to stop being stiffed necked (looking back at the things of the past that were gone) and had to start moving and looking forward. She then went on to challenge me to become a participant, an active member in my own life.

I started to share about this man who I had thought about throughout the years.

In trepidation, I shared about one time when I was tempted to sin. I took a step towards him and I believe with my whole being was saved from myself and that moment of weakness by God. I have asked God to keep me right and in His will so many times, I have asked Him to be my strength, my truth, my shield, my warrior, my defender, my freedom and He has. He saved me from the wrong path and kept me. Yes I took the step towards the sin but He held me while I struggled and was weak. The man never knew what I had done until the time was right. 

Susanna felt discernment that day and boldly told me that was the man for me. I don't know why that was the day, that was the time but I'm so grateful she took that step of faith and strength. My life was changed that day I believe because God ordered her steps and opened my heart.

I didn't just step out of the boat, but I jumped feet first into the most fantastic, exciting, wonderful storm of a life I hopefully can be a part of for the rest of mine. I wrote an email, and he responded. Looking back even over this very short time I believe this is crazy, scary and from all angles so out of whack that if I thought about doing this again I think the storm, the wind, and the thoughts of who may be hurt would have shut it down but I have such peace, such joy flowing in my very being I have to trust God is doing and leading this. 

I am in love with the best man for me. I couldn't have dreamed this, or maybe the Lord set this dream in my heart. I love the verses in Psalms 37:4-6 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this, He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. That doesn't mean our fleshly desires but for us to be open for His desires to be placed in us. 

This man's life is tough, He has gone through so much in these last years, he believes the timing is wrong as everything is still too fresh and so new in what he is trying to go through in his life and the life of his daughter and family. There are so many parts of this that have to be approached with love and sensitivity. Others are involved whom are loved by him so much and could really be devastated and hurt by what is happening and neither of us would ever want to hurt. But he loves me despite all that he is living through. He has many layers of thoughts, many paths to walk, many hurdles to jump, many mountains to climb BUT I believe God loved him so much that He chose for him not to do any of that alone but to have a strong, healed and blessed woman to help walk beside him, supporting him in prayer but also by just standing along side him, not to sound arrogant but because I am so honored to say, that's me. I was made for this role. I was made to be this man's sole mate. Never before have I walked taller, felt deeper, glowed like I am just now. He has set a flame in my very being that just burns brighter every day. I am different because I am loved by this man.

I am a blessed beyond measure full to the brim woman of God loved by an awesome man of God, who gets me, fits me, thinks I'm crazy, weird, awesome, delightful, wonderful, not patient, who puts the cart before the horse and is overwhelming him but who is still willing to do this life with me. How awesome is that.

I am not blessed because I got a man, I am living out God's will for my Life because I got this man!!!!

I have flown in freedom just by the thought of him, when the reality of him sinks into my being and I am fully his, fully his woman, signed sealed, and chosen, I don't think anything will stop me.

Yes that sounds nuts but I get it, I know that I know that I am his and he is mine!!! I trust God in this relationship so much so that the idea of me has even changed. I'm different...

Now to get back to what God is saying, when this man responded, and it started to settle into my core being what was happening, I looked different, I talked different, I even acted different, I had less fear, more power just by the thought of who he is in my life. Let me explain, I am a single woman, in a leadership role in a church. Let that sink in, whether or not I wanted a man or not, the possibility that I did was still there. I didn't want one... but I was free to want one... Am I making sense... Sin is a choice... I don't choose even to think that way but others don't always see or feel or believe my heart. Walls are raised, positions are taken and I have feelings and discernment, I act a certain way, I am a certain woman just because of my status, divorced woman in church. My head changed that day, my thinking changed that day, my very being changed that day. Not because any man had reached out to me but because this man had. I knew him, I trusted him, I loved him, but more importantly his life spoke volumes to me, his character was there, his walk was there, his past was a road map of who he is!!! Do you hear me. I knew this man, I dreamed this man, I trusted this man.

God knew me, before I knew what I needed myself, He knew what I would need for me to accept this new role. Someone new and strange in my life wouldn't fit. I have known this man for close to 15 years. He is part of my family, my best guy friend. But he has been out of my life since John has, God took me to Houston, He protected me from myself. I have hardly said a word to my friend since John left because I know me, I know I am weak and I know how safe I have always felt with him. But I know God has and had to be my strength. God needed to heal me, guide me to this point. This man is now newly free through death and not sin. He has accepted me into his life and God will and has blessed it. 

God does the same... but deeper, better, and truer when He chooses us into His family.The possibility of who we are is there because of a relationship that was chosen and accepted. The price which was paid was the highest of any, a life for a life. All because he had a passion, a love, a plan, a future for us to step into, yes our part is to accept the position, the relationship, the very authority He has given us. 

Just like I believe, and think differently because of this man, and his role and the relationship he has chosen to become in my life which I have chosen to accept. I walk taller, I think deeper, I have more authority, I have greater standing because I am loved, I am cared for, I am believed in. He thinks I can do this. In fact he believes in me so much he knows I can. How awesome is that, the encouragement, the strength but also the responsibility I have in this new role is strong and deep. I am no longer living my life for myself, my children or family, I am living it with someone who loves me. My responsibility as his sole mate will become more fully realized as we step into our future not just mine. But I no longer walk alone, I have a helper who believes in me, and knows he will be there for me. God's like that but even better, perfect for us in that He is God, His beliefs are always true, His plan is always for our good, He loves us with an everlasting love, he will never leave us or forsake us, He is God, His character and who He is never changes, and He believes in us enough to want to use us to further His kingdom and bring more people into this wonderful awesome relationship. Doesn't that want to make you walk taller, be stronger pay the price and walk out your calling in the authority he has chosen for you?

This makes so much sense, not to harp back to the past and the bondage I have felt but in a brief comparison when someone doesn't believe in you as much as they believe in themselves it does damage. I had to heal deeply from what happened to me. We all have hard stuff to walk through but if we have encouraging words, a helping hand, and truth spoken into our lives, we can be so much more, do so much more, conquer so much more!! We can fly in freedom of God's love being realized in us...

But words have the power of Life. Proverbs 18:21 says "The tongue has the power of life and death" What comes out of a persons heart is powerful. Matthew 12:34,35 warns "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him." we have the responsibility to feed ourselves with good, truth and faith that comes from God and His words. 










I have a last question today, Do you want to see the light, the growth, from behind prison bars of your own making or of allowing someone else to en-prison you or in the freedom of walking out your one and only life in the freedom and liberty and authority and responsibility that the lover of your sole has for you and has chosen to give you? Accept the relationship, accept the calling, accept the authority and accept the price, which is all of your life not part but all... Free to fly in the Freedom of God's will for your life.


The below part in blue isn't mine the red link is where I got it, some interesting stuff!!
http://www.journalsoftheheart.com/2010/11/reckless-words-casting-stones-week-one-day-one/











“However, when they persisted with their question, He raised Himself up and said, Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7NKJV).
“ For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places”( Ephesians 6:12 NKJV)                            

Out of the Heart the Mouth Speaks

Beloved, put away all thoughts, words and deeds against others no matter how small and in inconsequential they may seem. There is no such thing as inconsequential word. They either bring about good consequences or bad ones. Even if they have a seemingly neutral connotation, to them there is almost always an underlying motive of some sort.

Thoughts contrary to the Word make mischief in your heart. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks (Luke 6:45). There is no such thing as a little wrong thought. Each negative thought you give in to makes way for more unprofitable thoughts. They build on each other one by one. So be most careful! Reckless words born out of wrong thoughts not taken captive to the obedience of Christ leads to mistakes and unkind ways.

Words not thought out before spoken can cause you to veer off the path of righteous ways of being and doing. Often times, words are spoken in relation to observations made about circumstances and situations you encounter. Just because something looks one way on the surface doesn’t mean it is as it seems or that it has to stay the same.. Choose not to come into agreement with visible negative facts but release the truth of My Word over the situation or person. Let the inherent power of My Word have its way. Agree with Me and not supposed facts.
I have taught you to feed off every Word proceeding from My mouth for I only speak that which gives life. Consider how others feed from the words of your mouth. Therefore, be mindful of what your say and create life, create hope. You will not be disappointed.

A Tree Is Known By Its Fruit

Beloved, I tell you to speak words of love— words of patience because I love you and want you to walk in all the fullness of My abundant life. I do not want you to endure the results caused by planting wrong seeds in your heart or the hearts of others. It is much easier to deal with things right up front than to spend precious time weeding out the garden of your life. This time could be used in much better ways. Besides, I have made you like Me. This is what it’s all about.
All the words I speak to you, even if they bring to light issues of your heart, create life. Once again, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. Adjust your heart attitude and your words will change.
Not only do reckless words plant a destructive crop of weeds, they will cause you to drift back into old habit patterns, opening doors to doubt and unbelief. Sin always crouches at the door of your heart looking for entrance, hoping to draw you into unacceptable ways (Genesis 4:7).
How the old nature wants to instate its place as head over all and to exercise control over your thought life—over your spoken word. As in all things, I give you power to overcome any such tendencies from the smallest to the largest, and to fulfill the highest commandment next to loving Me—loving your neighbor as yourself.
Remember, each tree is known by its fruit; each fountain is known by its water. Today is a day of graceful thinking and graceful words. Embrace it.
Sticks and Stones
Unguarded and ill thought-out words open doors for the enemy as much or more than actions. Many an unsound action has come out of ill-spoken words. The sound of your words continues on, creating life or death (Proverbs 18:21). If spoken directly to a person, they have the power to inflict wounds that last a lifetime. Sticks and stones break bones but words have the potential to destroy a heart —a life.
Why so much time on this subject? Ah . . . it is so necessary. I formed and framed the worlds with My Words (Hebrews 11:3). I used words to create fashion and to equip. Well-chosen words have the power to equip, to prepare, to train the lives of those around you in the same way My words equipped the earth to hold and sustain multitudes of those I love.
Words not only equip, they sustain and enable one to maintain a constant path for good or bad. One of the most beautiful results birthed out of words of life is the ability to bring chaos into order. My Words took a void wasteland and changed it into a garden. So can yours.
Choose life, and if you struggle in areas of critical thinking, take the time to renew your mind in this area with My Word (Romans 12:2). Speak like Me and you will be like Me in the natural realm. The inside will transform the outside. Call yourself what I call you and be changed.
Pleasant Words Are As A Honeycomb
Beloved, consider this; If you drove your car the way you speak, would you still be driving accident free? The course of hell is sat on fire by the tongue (James 3:1-12). Your words have the power of life and death. Choose life! Choose life not only for others but also for your own self. It is not OK to speak kindly to others and demean yourself. I desire for you to speak only beneficial words over your own life as well.
As your draw closer to Me in the days to come, listen carefully and I will put My words in your mouth. I will purify your heart and cause your fountain to only bring forth sweet water. This is a common plight to all men for all have sinned and come short of My glory but it is possible to live a pure hearted life without guile.
Repent and choose life! Ask for forgiveness from anyone you’ve hurt, disparaged or judged with your thoughts, words or actions and I will nullify them. I will release healing in their place. I will put a guard over your mouth and anoint your lips with kindness. I will cause pleasant words to flow from you like honey from the honeycomb. And like honey, they will bring healing to your mind and body (Proverbs 16:24).

Let Your Speech Be Good And Beneficial To Others

Beloved, let Me contend with hurtful words or wrong actions others have levied against you. Choose in your own heart not to receive them, and I will take care of the rest. Negative responses only perpetuate things and forestall the graces of My heart. I will take care of every word raised up against you (Isaiah 54:17). This is the heritage of My sons and daughters—to have righteousness, security and triumph over ever opposition. When you realize your place, your heritage of any need to retaliate or respond in a negative manner will fade away, enabling you to completely depend on Me.
When wrong hurtful words come out of your mouth in response, having destructive judgmental potential, they transfer intent and fault to another person thereby justifying your own position. If they have done things contrary to My will, it is My place to contend. I may use you to speak into their life if you are in a place of humility and not judgment. Love covers a multitude of sins and mercy triumphs over judgment (1 Peter 4:8 Proverbs 10:12). It is so for you—it is so for others.
Therefore, let no talk or language come out of your mouth unless it is edifying (Ephesians 4:29). If you think on whatever is lovely and upright, your speech will reflect it. You are what you eat. Eat the Word and you will be the manifested Word in your own life and the lives of others. There is no other way.
Know I am saying all of this because I love you and want your life to manifest an unparalleled blessing and fullness. Not only is it My job to do so but a most cherished privilege I do not take lightly.

Prayer of Supplication and Declaration

Father, open the eyes of my heart in this area and flood it with Your light. Please make me aware of any unknown judgments I have against others. I repent and ask forgiveness for all the ones I am aware of. I never want to side with the enemy or his tactics in any way. I am so aware of all my own weakness and hate it when people throw stones at me. It is not my place and hurts my relationship with You, obscuring the fullness of communion with You.
I forgive others for the stones they have thrown at me and forgive myself for responding in a like manner. You are my defender and I release all these things into Your hands. I release the stones and pick up the sword and Your Word, cutting asunder the enemy. I want my heart to be one of service and love. I choose to forgive as I am forgiven and love as I am loved. Father, I thank you for Your correction. It is always seasoned with mercy, grace and love building up; it never tears down. I will not cast the first stone.
Reflect and Journal
1.    Take some time to contemplate the underlying motives of even the simplest negative words you might be accustomed to thinking. What are some of these words?
2.    Are there some words you have spoken out of frustration or what one might call simple observation of the facts in your own life or the lives of others? Break agreement with any negative association and speak His Word.
3.    What crops in your life are you now harvesting due to wrong words planted? Repent, ask for forgiveness, and release anyone, including you, involved. Speak death to all weeds and tares and any possible future harvest.
4.    Examine the fruit in your life and you will automatically know what you have been planting by way of words or attitudes.
5.    In what areas or with what people do you need to develop patience? Submit your heart to the process and be willing for the Lord to bring to light anything prohibiting this from taking place.
6.    In what way are you framing your family, your job, or the world you are living in with your words? Take some time to really think on this and make adjustments.
7.    What chaotic situation in your life or the lives of others needs for you to speak a Word which can and will restore order? Ask Holy Spirit which Word you should use. He knows best.
8.    Take some time to reflect on any words you habitually speak over your own life. For instance, you could always say, “I’m tired!” If you constantly say this I guarantee you will be tired. All words great and small have the power to affect your life. Be careful what you say.
9.    Think about it, break agreement and embrace the truth in its place. In reference to the above example one opposite confession would be, “When I am weak He is strong!” See the difference. Both ways of speaking take the same amount of energy but have different results. Which way would you prefer to be?
10. Have you felt yourself on the defensive rather than the offensive with anyone in your life? Take some time to be in His presence and let go.
11. Have you let the actions of others in anyway justify any behavior in your own life?
12. What have you been eating? His Word? Wrong thinking? Anything else

Brenda Craig is a published author, prophetic teacher and Seer whose desire is to know the Lord in all His fullness. Her writings and teachings reflect a deep intimacy with the Lord. As a worshiper, Brenda has received revelation on how to take the simple act of “Soaking in His Presence” to a new level and developed a teaching called Soaking with a Purpose.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Joy Flows Freely...




I just can't comprehend my God's love for me, I am finally getting it the flying in God's freedom. 

It's restraint, protection and faith all covered in trust and love. He blew me out of the water last week. Just Blew me up!!!

I think my mind will explode as well as my spirit!!!

I don't know what to do but stay close, He is taking me on the adventure of a life time and I won't give up this for anything. Did you know God is so good! 

How do I express this joy without looking like a complete idiot? I want to climb the highest mountain and scream and dance and Love my God for His goodness towards me...



I feel like I'm walking in His glorious light and I will dance with Him!!!

Wow who knew what God would do, He asked me to give Him 3 years and I didn't know what for, I just knew I would. As the time past I wondered what it meant. I started to tell Him this better be noticeably huge. Last week a little of what it was was revealed. I just can't believe it.

I planted some seeds and they grew into strong, tall trees, Huge and with deep roots, Have you seen those trees that just blow your mind with their majesty and beauty, they have taken centuries to grow and you travel around the bend and they fill your view with their awesomeness. Can you picture the scene? That's what happened, I couldn't see but quickly it came into sight. Faith saw  what my God had provided while my emotions just exploded. God knew it before time began, now I see it, I can almost taste it, it's so real.

The scripture  "However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"- 1 corinthians 2:9 has become so real, my eye hadn't seen it, my ears hadn't heard it, it hadn't entered my heart, but God had, He knew, He loved me, His plans for me are exactly what He said, Huge, Good, Beautiful...

I am in awe at His goodness and the beauty of His plan. Do I know all ? No, not a chance, is there still walking it out in patience and yes even more Faith YES, but wow the Joy of the Lord will definitely be my strength. 

God has settled this in my spirit being for many many years, would I have accepted it back then, not a chance, but to see the story unfold and His plans revealed even a little, yes blows my mind into thousands of fragments, floating, shimmering, dancing in His light. 

How do I restrain myself from declaring His love to the mountains, the valleys and the oceans, I don't know, I picture my self just hugging myself and spinning, Do you hear my heart God, never let this go. Protect it, grow it deep and strong, for your honor and worship, Flow...Let your will be done in your timing. 

I come against the enemy of God with the power He has set in my Life, with the authority of his adoption.

Oh how my patience is wrought... I want it now, the three months left of the 3 years will be agony, I just know it, but with God we can do anything. 

Imagine longing for something a life time, never seeing any chance of an answer and then the bondage is broken and your spirit is released. How would you feel? Yes that's right Freedom under restraint for God's timing to come. 

Thats how I feel, yep Freedom under restraint, the emotions are immense, I just want to explode, literally, I have an excitement inside that is overwhelming, I have struggled with certain things and they have become insignificant. How can one instant change your life forever. Jump out of the boat, see His goodness and you'll get a glimpse! These feelings can only grow stronger, what do I do with them, I try and hold on, have you seen the scene in the movie of it's a wonderful life when he says do you want the moon,  to Mary

"It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
George Bailey: What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary. 
Mary: I'll take it. Then what? 
George Bailey: Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see... and the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair... am I talking too much? "

Yes I want to eat the moon, I think I already have and the moonbeams are shooting out, but not just with light but strong emotions exploding from my core being. 

I want to hold, be held, dance, sing, touch, feel, shout and jump, but all in God's perfect timing...

Does more healing have to occur, yes years of hurt take a long time, but God heals, His word promises it.
Having someone, friends, family along side to hold, care, trust, believe, and pray for you works, it does...

I challenge you to step out of the boat and see his goodness allow God to do the impossible/improbable  in your Life and walk on water. With the eyes of faith and trust in God, keeping your heart focused on Him you will not sink.

I promise you!!!














Friday, April 01, 2011

Breath, Trust, Be Active in your Own Life and Bathe in the Sunshine!!


I saw a plastic bag flying freely in the air , it floated in the warm currents of air, swooping and rising in the freedom that it found, then I saw a butterfly just dodging being hit by a car, it flew in between the traffic bouncing over the windshields. I just thought we can fly because of the air and the one who carries us no matter what  circumstances we find ourselves in or we can dodge bullets despite who we are made to be. Profound even if I do say so myself ! 


I awoke this week with a dream, which I thought was a nightmare. I walked through my bathroom door which had become an indoor swimming pool, stuff from my bedroom was floating about and I smiled to myself about my cheeky nephews and their childish adventure. Then glancing around I saw the worst sight. My daughter fully clothed, wearing winter clothes all bundled up was lying at the bottom, I jumped in and she was cold and stiff. My first thought she had committed suicide. I awoke shouting no no and the tears fell on my cheeks. I rushed to pray for her safety and scanned the pages of her Facebook to find her wonderfully smiling face. It left me shaken and questioning what it meant.


 Later when retelling the story I was given the interpretation. My daughter is in Australia at YWAM doing a Dts, and is about to leave for Thailand. She hurt for so long over her dad and I's split and how she felt unloved and abandoned and no longer his number one. This week she told me I should do a Dts and get healed totally. As she had done. 


 Thinking about this I knew she had died, died to her old self and chosen Life and Life more abundantly. A life filled with hope, healing and growth. The baggage that clothed her for so long was dead too. She was free. 


How great is our Father God....


I have been struggling with a few things and when I went out to lunch with a friend, she spoke wise words to me. Hard to hear but if taken freeing. She said she challenged me, that my marriage was dead, he walked away from me and God, that I should stop trying to resurrect the dead. It's like John used to say a dead carcass has been strapped to my back I thought I was carrying life, hope but it had chosen death and was now rotting  and eating into me. I had to move forward not be stiff necked from looking back. She continued to challenge me to be active in my life.


I love to sit and trust and not really move in some things like letting go of John, it's safer not to turn and face forward I know the past , the future is kind of scary. But how if I keep dreaming of freedom will I reach it without actually stepping out of the boat and actually trusting God that the water will hold me.


Two future or maybe even more are in my dreams, challenged to go for it has made me think of my daughter, she chose new birth, death to her old self and life to her future. How wonderful is that. She amazes me, I am so proud of her, she blesses my heart so much. I miss her but love her for going for it. To see her fly is such a joy in my life. I love it. But I can't just watch her live her life and see mine die, I'm young and vibrant too, my 48th birthday is just around the corner. This has been a long 10 years. I chose Life.






No longer choosing the empty, corroded boxes but looking to my God, who knows His plans for me, good plans for my good.




I chose to dance with God despite the circumstances I find myself in. I move Forward...





Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Dance with me


I always want to write a blog at extreme times of emotion either happy or sad, angry or scared, Why is that? I'm only moved to write under extremes? Basically I think I like to not think too deeply just now. Everywhere I look I see hurt, devastation, brokenness and very little blessing, is it only me and my eyes, maybe it is.

It's completely different as I look at my daughter who has gone to Australia for dts in YWAM, she is loving it, she is happy, she is healing, she is growing and I am just loving the look on her face and the excitement in her voice. I know God got her there... in the natural she just wouldn't have made it. The people, her dad, who she was relying on to help fund just didn't come through. I was just blown away by the people who helped her in small ways and big ways, each one has another jewel in their crown as I am so appreciative of this chance she has received.


She is going to Thailand in just over a week for 9 weeks, a little apprehensive but so excited to be used by God in this way, all the training will go into action now, She's going  with some other awesome youth. I pray she grows even more and has every opportunity to see God's power and love move through her as she works with hurting people.

Kathryn in Scotland

She is my ray of hope just now and my son and his fiancee are my anchor, rudder, helpmates in my walk along this weird life I am living.

John n Stephanie (Scotland 2010)

They got engaged last summer in the most romantic proposal I have seen, beside Skye in Scotland. They are now preparing for their wedding and plans and excitement are under way for this much anticipated day. They are a beautiful couple inside and out and I am blessed to be part of their lives. I have seen them grow into strong individuals in God and as a couple and it's just beautiful to watch them develop in this way.


My life is wonderful in many ways, I know but this blog was started to get out my frustrations and to help me heal from a terrible tragedy called adultery and to bring me to a freedom in my walk with God that I was finding very hard to experience at that time. Many things have changed since then, my family are growing up and leaving the nest. 

                               

In ways that I love and ways that hurt my heart not because I don't love their choice in the person but just in the way they have chosen. I believe in marriage, it's a beautiful commitment to a person you love to say I am there for you no matter what. Whether that worked in my case I hoped wouldn't affect my children, through prayer and guidance and love I hoped they would walk with Him as I do.


I love my middle son but he has chosen a harder path than I would have chosen for him, a broken past led him to decisions that he let happen instead of creating a life of joy to the Lord he has walked away. He is still Paul just not fulfilled in away and growing in all he could be if he had God supporting and breathing life and love into him as He so wants to do. I believe in God's word and that my son and his girlfriend Sarai, will walk in God's power and plan. It's not that they don't fill my heart with joy and love, as they do it's just that with my whole existence I believe in God first, last and in between. He is my reason for living, to develop a relationship and to do His will is why I live, so in this I know living together is not His way. I love them so much and see such great things in them, I just want to see what God can do in them. 

All that aside and the reason for this entry is that yet again I am processing fear. I don't like it, money or the lack of it. The constant struggle with what I should do is driving me nuts. My last blog was about my ex telling me I had to drop out of school and find work. He has dropped my money $1500 the last two months. I have credit card debt and I dropped two of my classes to try and help my son with his school debt and I thought I had longer before he would create this instability in my life. It's weird but before every time he has done something I get a dream or a feeling about him and then something wrong happens. I had three dreams about him the previous night. Before every revealed detail of his affair came out and before every add on happening, divorce papers etc I have had some warning, I believe from God. I spoke about these dreams just before I got the check. Two weeks ago I had a weird thought, where it came from I'm not sure that he was going to leave his new wife. Then one of the dreams was about her not doing what he expected her to do, he was upset. I really don't know what all that means and I don't even know why I'm writing it down but that I feel it has significance. 

I know God, He really is my provider He really is my shield, I have a calling, a plan that I will fulfill, I believe it and in writing it helps me to recenter this understanding. I love my life where it will go I just don't know. It's been great yet hard but I am still breathing fresh air, still drinking refreshing water and still walking in the knowledge that God has greater power than the one who tries to take me down. I will go on I will move forward I can do anything that I need to do to walk this life with purpose and power through my God who will supply all my needs, I bow to His will, His understanding of me.

The warrior Bride holds the sword of the spirit!  

Just being part of His body, God being the brain, tells me instinctively where I go, move, breath, and function, not by a loud spoken command but by an electrical impulse of power I am alive and doing. My own brain doesn't tell my tongue to command the rest of my body to function it just simply thinks and it happens. Spiritually it's the same. God doesn't have to shout commands he just simply has to think them and the power flows. I function properly as I move and seek and live in His presence. I sit and lay my head on his chest, he comforts, and thinks peace into existence in my life. God let your will be done. I just want to dance with You...




Sunday, January 30, 2011

Why do I fear?

I knew this day was coming but I just went on with my life hoping that I could just change things by not changing things. I have been going to school to study photography and my expenses were being paid by my ex-husband as part of the divorce. The kids are growing up, the oldest is getting married and the middle has moved out and my daughter has gone to DTS in Australia with YWAM for 6 months so it really is inevitable that things as regards to finances would change, but I buried my head and kept on going.

My heart is beating faster and sweat broke out on my body but the things I've gone through should have prepared me for this event happening. I have to become independent some time and I really would like to not depend on someone who doesn't love me.

But my heart is still fearful of the unknown.

I have a God who personally cares, that's what I believe so I just have to continue to believe it. Kathryn raised money for YWAM with God's help. so I must step up to the plate and do the same thing.

But I'm still scared... Why? I have talent and encouragement and a family that loves me.

Up until John cheated I had a really secure life. I went from my dad's house to my husbands and I loved and was loved in return. Then the season of change arrived. This is the reason this blog was started... In writing my thoughts on how I try to reach freedom with my God.  So this part just has to be the next part. I have to come to terms with that. John senior chose a life without me in it and I have to move on. It feels rather surreal even now that my best friend is married to another woman and has a son with her. His first family doesn't mean as much to him as it once did and in this day and age that is normal. People marry divorce and marry again. Except I didn't believe in that. I believed I married for good I supported my husband and he had his career and he supported us. I had a college education but chose to be a stay at home mother. After John left I went back to school and got another degree to teach social studies in high school and then substituted for experience. Then I was awoken one morning by God I believe, saying to me why didn't I follow my passion and do photography. You may think I'm crazy for doing that but I have loved taking pictures since I was 12.

God asked me to take His photo... Freedom Photography grew from there. I went back to school and for the last 2 years have been studying chemical, digital and film photography. I started out with a calling and continued to learn and experience this area of study trying to get better. I have another 2 years to finish my degree but that all seems to be changing.

Two and a half years ago I felt God asked me to give him 3 years, this summer that will be up. When He spoke I thought it was until John might come back to the Lord and sort himself out. But God never said that, he just said give him 3 years. Another 6 months, do you think my life could change for the better in that time? I just don't know.

I don't think I will be on the street and I want to work but I'm just scared of change and need help in gaining employment. I want to be a photography teacher but don't know if that can happen if I don't have a degree. I also want to start a photography business.

I feel a bit like the Scarlett in Gone with the wind and want to say I can't think about it any more today I'll think about it tomorrow. That is probably what got me into this mess but it's the only way I can function while I put things into perspective. John says nothing will change if I don't see a need to change and there he is probably right. Why change from being a student who loves learning and going to school. John knows work, he is a business man, he makes money and is a workaholic. Obviously we are very different. I am a dreamer. I live with hope that love will come into my life but this has been nearly 10 years that I have fought and I am alone. Why do I think I am any different. Everyone else worksnowadays. I have to too. Hopefully in this economy I will find work that will support me. The fear seems to be settling and getting weaker and the determination to move forward is moving in.

I am excited to see what God will do next, I must trust Him not to let me down as this world has. He promised to care and look after me. How He will do that is not plainly seen yet but I have talent and passion and I am not lazy just a little fearful. God has equipped me now I have to move forward and apply what I have learned.

Staying in school this semester seems like a waste of money and time and maybe I should reconsider dropping out and God will show me, I have to believe that.

I wrote that bit yesterday when everything was fresh, I am excited about where this will take me. I have a plan to sit my art exam to teach so I can go for interviews in that department. God is good He takes fear and replaces it with His perfect love I can do this thing called life because God is with me.

Proverbs 31:25 NLT She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

Monday, March 22, 2010

1 Timothy 4:12

For my cell group,

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
It's not always this , it could be this

We love and trust each other



In Speech; pursue truth, build others up, tender, forgiveness, gratitude,
In Love; agape-means sacrifice, a lasting impression,
In Faith; believing the essentials, obedience of the principles, assurance of things not seen,
In Purity; absense of corruption- not a set of rules but a holy awe of God, morally pure as a response to God's revealed holiness. Purity is achieved by being exposed to God, I am Holy because He is Holy
 
What you say, do, your love, faith and purity joins together to design the sort of imprint that you leave on those around you.
 
God will enable you to endure trials and hardships in order to harden His characteristics into you.
 
This was Paul speaking to Timothy, the older to the younger but for the example to believers. I always thought about being an example to the ones who didn't know God so they would see him but this was for those who knew God, older, younger, and the same age, everyone. This is so cool I have this word for my cell and God just keeps adding to it.
 
I have started going to a group called Koinonia,
 
Koinonia is a Greek word that occurs 20 times in the Bible. Koinonia’s primary meaning is “fellowship, sharing in common, communion.” The first occurrence of koinonia is Acts 2:42, “They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.” Christian fellowship is a key aspect of the Christian life. Believers in Christ are to come together in love, faith, and encouragement. That is the essence of koinonia.
This group of ladies meet to do this and one said To trust Him you have to be intimate with Him, so powerful. It's not about how much we know but encouraging one another to go deeper with God. I am being encoraged not only to trust God more but also to trust people. I have never shared this blog with anyone but maybe the time will come. God is good.

Faith, a deeper connection


Faith has three main elements. In the first place, it is trust in God. It is a confidence in the trustworthiness, fidelity and reliability of God. It is about rejoicing in his presence and power, being open to his prompting and guidance through prayer, and experiencing the motivation and comfort of the Holy Spirit. It is a deep sense of longing to be close to God, of wanting to praise his name, of being aware of his presence. In many ways, this aspect of Christian faith is like being in love with someone: you want to be with them, enjoying their presence and feeling secure with them. It concerns the heart, rather than the head; it is emotional, rather than intellectual. It is the powerhouse of Christian life, keeping us going through the difficult times and exciting us during the good times.


I want a deeper relationship with Jesus one where I long to be in His presence all the time, I know that whatever I say to help make a difference in people's lives, has no depth or real power and meaning if God doesn't back it up with his annointing and presense. I realize I have nothing of worth to say if the Holy Spirit doesn't back it up.


I was watching Heidi Baker again last night, she is so in touch with Jesus she loves Him, I want that depth of reality in my life that I don't just think about it but I live it out. I keep saying this but I fail. I am so puny in my walk. Living out the life of Christ in me isn't easy, I make too many mistakes but I keep going. I desire to keep going.
blog from 2009

Thursday, February 11, 2010

What's been Happening

Well I have to go to the doctor tomorrow, I have had bronchitus since dec and I'm a little better but still not healthy, but I stopped my blod thinners as of the first of this month so tomorrow is a check up. Weird, since my last blog I have had quite a time. Really different, different struggles, different blessings, different life. Took stock at the beginning of the year and I am getting back on track. School has started back in my life. A photography degree this time. Lots of arty stuff, fun but tiring. I still substitute teach when I can so my life is busy busy busy. Why am I blogging today though, well I felt like it. I realised that God had shown me something that I thought was cool and I wanted to share. Faith! big subject, many layers, lots of thoughts. Faith has action on our part. Let me describe it as a faucet. You know and trust that water will come out but you have to turn it on, that's your part. God provides the water, you have to trust Him which comes from your relationship with Him but you have to step out of the boat..... you have a part to play in the equation. Often we say God do your stuff, build my faith help me to believe when He is saying I am, but you do your bit.
God asked me to take His photo, strange eh!!!!! Showing who God is in my photography is my calling, to get there I have to take pictures, try out ideas, but it's more, I have to be a servant, for others, and bless others to be a blessing. That's my part too. Sounds a bit confusing but my point is, God wants to use us, not just do it for us, we want to be used, to grow, to be like Him, show His love, and His joy and His beauty, all parts of Him, but we have to act, to do, to be.
I love when God changes our ideas by doing. I was a prayer partner in our Life Advance weekend at church, part of our job is to pray for healing etc. Well I was thinking God, I'm sick, I can only do this if you do it, if you give me the words. The interesting part was that I didn't have the words, boldness, truth in action, leading from God till..... I opened my mouth and started talking. It was so cool, so exciting, God used me  I loved it. I find I am as blessed as the lady I was praying for, so cool, so fun, so good.

Well it's late I know I should do this more when I have time but what's time ha ha, I'll love you and leave ya as my mam used to say, Have a great day...