Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!

As I lie here early in the morning I have been awake for a while thinking over the last few weeks and looking into my future and I realize that again I am in the middle of great change.

In just over 2 weeks time my eldest son will get married. I love, love, love Stephanie, his future bride, so I am at peace as regards to all his choices and decisions, but I will miss him. He's 26 and for all these years we have been together, he has grown into a wonderful man whom any mother would be proud of.  I am so excited for them but just a little sad for the miss we will have at home, he takes care of us probably far more than I take care of him and I just love having him around. I know he won’t be too far away but the day-to-day small things will never be the same. When I need a hug, or to be prayed for or just to share a thought, he will no longer be at home.

I know that at the end of this year my daughter plans to move back to Australia and work full time as a missionary with YWAM and that I will be empty nested. This also fills me with both joy and sadness. I have been so blessed. I did my job well and have raised my children to become strong independent adults. I am proud of them. Does a mother ever really let go fully? I will have to learn that down the line into the future. I love my children but I like them too, which is so great to say.

Changes are inevitable, I have embraced it, run from it, fought it and looked for it and have thought this is not easy but it is often exciting. It’s all in the perception of how you view it. I have to remember that God knows my future possibilities, my possible choices and all His plans for me are good and will work out for good as I give my life continually to Him and follow His leading.

Last week I got a picture of someone on a bike coming down a hill, the path was narrow, filled with holes, bumps and stones. The person had sometimes their hands out high at their sides with their legs out straight also at their sides free wheeling in joy, but at other times they would reach for the handlebars and peddles, I knew the bottom was coming and that an upward hill was before them. I asked my cell group what they thought the meaning of this vision was? Letting go of control, allowing trust to develop, the pedals are the source of the power, the chain linked to that source and to the gears. The bumps were trials and difficulties. Sometimes they would give up control and at others they would seek for their own control of their direction and power.

Life is like that, lately I have found myself trying to take back my control and going it alone a bit more than I should but on Saturday night a guy called Keith Wheeler who carries a cross all over the world was speaking at my church and the stories he shared inspired me to refocus on the source of my love rather than the bike, or the path I was on and headed for. We often forget that the pedals can help balance out our journey and that the gears adjust the tension and effort one has to give to the actual effectiveness of that journey. If we set it on high gear while a lower gear would create a safer, easier and less effort to our ride we would be far more effective in our use of our energy and would be far less likely to get burned out or stressed. What happens? We try to control, our trust becomes less and our independence rears its ugly head once again. We think we know better than all the years of wisdom, teaching and understanding that have gone before. Why do I do that? It leads to trouble. But gladly the Lord if we are willing enables us to get back on course.

On Saturday I regrouped. I had been struggling with the speed of my life, some things were happening too fast while others weren’t happening fast enough and by the end of the day I had gone through emotional highs and lows and come to the place of repentance and recommitment. I asked the Lord to become my all, and to take control once again.  I trusted Him to do a better job of my life than I was doing, that He was my source of all good things and I would no longer look outward to people or situations to give me my peace and joy.

With the laying down, the struggle ceased and as often occurs with release, the situation changed.

I love how God does that. He loves us. He knows us and desires for us to love Him not always for what He will do but for who He is. His character, His person, His past and the hope He gives.  Keith Wheeler brought alive how God turns up and everything becomes supernatural, in that things that wouldn’t occur naturally appear. That healing emotionally and physically takes place, that repentance and change happens and that lives are transformed because God loves them and they experience that love.

Life is complicated, filled with choices and decisions daily. I am there as is everyone. I have desires and I have sometimes sacrifices to make. I have to realize that God is in control. Where I will be this time next year, I have no idea, is that exciting or daunting? Probably a bit of both, but in and throughout my entire journey I am filled with hope and peace.

I have thought of changing the name of my blog from Reaching for Freedom, to Freedom Given because nothing I really do changes my freedom as it was already freely given to me when I gave my life to God.

Open Book!

People say I'm an open book...

When I was little I had no fear of making friends. We would go on vacation as a family camping and I would run off to play, coming back after a short time with a new best friend. I like people; I love getting to know all about them, their dreams, their thoughts and their goals. I especially like to ask them what their view of God is and how is their relationship with Him. I think it all ties into how I am in regards to the open book part of me. I believe to connect, you have to show the real you, the part that might be a little uncomfortable as it's not yet perfect and probably never will be. 

In this technologically and socially driven world of Face book, cell phones giving you face-time, Skype and texts with video we are never alone, never far from connecting. I love it all but I love coffee and a chat better. I love to reconnect with my family and friends over Sunday lunch after church, it maybe my favorite time of the week. 

I have been blessed with a wonderful family and great friends some of them I have adopted as family. Living in a different country you have to push yourself to build relationships. I love it. Over the last years I shied away a little more than I had done, but then after my healing, started to share my life again and the Lord has blessed me.

It's one of the reasons I write this blog sometimes sharing it and at others keeping it to myself so that I can express myself a little more freely. I write and my thoughts tumble out. The Lord often shows up in my writing. It's such a great place to be, I feel so free and I believe was all part of His plan to bring that freedom into fruition.  I feel anticipation, an excitement when I write. Sometimes it's in my journal, or in one of my many notebooks, and sometimes here. I started a book, I published a photography book with my thoughts and poems, which I plan to expand and develop into what I know it can become. 

Why do I write all of that, what are my dreams today? 

I feel so loved. So cared for. Over the last few months my life has been turned inside out and upside down. I have many thoughts, many decisions, and many choices to make. But I feel so blessed as I know no matter what, God showed me perspective last night. It's not all about us. During prayer Cliff said God, help us to serve you and it was one of those moments that went thud, and dropped right into my spirit. We had been praying for leading, direction, wisdom in the many decisions we had to make. Where would we live, what job should we do, etc, and although I didn't feel overwhelmed as I believe wherever I will be I will be loved and in relationship and to me that is so important, it's what I need to be fully alive. But I felt that as is often the case we tend to get caught up in the small big stuff and forget about what God's purpose for us is, to serve Him, to be in relationship with Him. 

What did He want of us?

That is a totally different ball game or mindset. Where we live is important but wherever that is we will be apart from family. I have chosen this many times but it's always a hard choice, it's never easy being far from family. This year I have had periods where my daughter was half across the world, where extended family became closer as they stayed with me, one son moved out, while the other son will be getting married soon and my daughter plans to move back and become a missionary. These are all, huge and come with heart ache but also so much blessing. To see growth and development into healthy adults is such a wonderful part of being a mother. I have hopefully spoken wisdom into their lives and have seen them become ready to fly and leave the nest. In my daughter's case I hope not for good but I left my home at 18 only to return for short times, so in reality may well be. (This makes me sad as I'm really not prepared for this quite yet but I know God has such great and wonderful experiences and growth in store for her and I gave Him her when she was born so I can't do anything but trust Him now) My life will change, whether it's to be alone for a while or to dream I don't know yet. 

As I have shared I love taking photos, I believe my calling is to take God's photo. Through my art, I hope and dream of doing this. But I don't believe that is all I'm called to do. He gives us the desires of our hearts. I believe this totally. This is what gives me fulfillment, excitement, completeness. This is what brings me alive. 

I am overwhelmed by His goodness. 

Last week was a trying but wonderful week. I got to share more of my time with Cliff. I got to see the emotion, the raw and gritty, the real and I loved it. During Saturday morning I had time to reflect and I was overwhelmed by what was happening and I lost it a little. I chased rabbits all over the place, but in doing so God worked it out for the good. It opened a new part of my future life that I am so excited about. During my thought process I felt like bolting, but running away wouldn't accomplish anything but hurt. I chose to talk instead and Cliff had been doing some of his own talking. Honesty done with love is always a great combination. When we trust and ask and share and are open to the other I believe it allows God to move. Guess what? He did and prayers were answered and I feel so blessed.

Last night as Cliff and I talked he shared how he felt about me. I have never been filled with so much love. I felt like I could explode, that the balloon was being blown up and it was going to burst wide open, and all I could do was cry. I have read the book the five love languages and I feel as though my love tank has been running on empty for a long time. Not from God, or family and friends but in the man and women department. Cliff has a talent with words, with painting a picture with the spoken word which gets me deep inside. I believe and now dream for us not just me. Over the last few months I have started to consider both our families in my thought process.  Patience and God's timing has allowed my heart to be filled with an excitement; a love that I know is growing deeper. I am an open book. I want this family to love me. I want to love this family. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity. John's family accepted me to a point, we had moments of connection I loved them but never felt completely part of their family. I feel this second chance is for more than just Cliff and I; it's for his family to become mine too. Is that naive? I hope not. 

How does God want us to serve Him? 

He is a God of relationship. He created us for His pleasure, to love us. When we connect to that love we just have to share it. When you spend time with someone the relationship gets deeper, more fulfilling, there's more connection, and love is a result. When you really want to get to know someone, when you want to show them they matter, that they have worth, that they are valued, love is a result. 

It's a miracle.  It's why we are here. 

All through the bible God uses us to bring connection and relationship to His creation. He is love, when we share His love we share Him. In direct conflict is the devil he brings isolation and brokenness of relationship. He brings death where God creates life to the fullest. Jesus says it this way in John 10:10 (NKJV) The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. Isolation, loneliness, disconnection are all tools of the devil to steal who we were meant to be in and for God. 

Whether it's in the work place where he tells us it's not personal it's just business, whether it's in friendship where he says you can't share that, they won't accept it, they'll judge you, they will reject you, that's too much, they'll think you are nuts, or in family when he says you can't interfere that's their business and none of yours, let them work it out. I'm not saying there's not a balance to all of these but ask yourself, what is the result in and for God's kingdom? 

I chased the rabbit all the way to being alone, to losing everything. But that's another lie... Hebrews 13:5 (NKJV) Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Do you hear what that's saying? In others words, in your behavior, your achievements, don't be greedy for material stuff, don't try and get what others have but be satisfied with what you have. If you have nothing you will have plenty as He wont run off or give up on you, neither will He abandon you. It's not that stuff is wrong it's when it consumes your thinking, when it becomes the reason for your choices. When stuff becomes more important than people. The question is why do you work, live in that house, take that vacation, and do that activity? Is it just to try and fill a hole in your life, a need? Well that hole will only be filled with God. Nothing and no one else will complete you...

God is Good, all the time...

I had a ladies retreat this weekend in Galveston, Texas, with my church and all the pastors wives  were the speakers and shared their testimonies and a word that God had given them. Throughout the weekend I just saw God's love revealed in as many different ways as there were women there. 

He made each of us unique, each special and beautiful. But do we really grasp that. We are created in His image but human. He didn't create us to be perfect but fallible. But His creation, us, we sometimes think we know better, that we can go it alone in our own strength using our own abilities and talents, no need to involve God in every part of our lives, our day, our existence, we got this covered, we understand this bit, we can take it from here. Or maybe we just don't trust, we have a wall, we are broken in some way that stops us from really connecting with our creator. We will work this part out, in our own strength, with our own mind and understanding. 

This weekend I heard all these different stories. These woman who looked so beautiful, so pure, so precious, so put together, so at peace, yes they were nervous, some had never spoken before but they shared their stories, their journey, their lives, they were vulnerable, they were transparent, they were real. Wow!!! As the first lady spoke I was just overcome with emotion, and love for her. She shared her journey, her life and trusted God and us to be able to receive the truth. God is good all the time. Is He? Even in tough situations, even in cruel things, in desperation, in lack, in pain, in need. Do we really believe He is good all the time? I heard her, I saw her, she took me back into her past, it was hard, a broken life. But in the looking back I saw a strong woman, a pure woman a changed woman. God made that occur. He spoke into her life, LOVE... God is good but also He is LOVE. In telling her story I was overcome with emotion as I believed and heard her story but saw the woman she had become, beautiful, strong, pure. 

I think over the weekend that's what I wanted to shout. God you have made some awesome women. Every woman, every pastor's wife, they had not always been a pastors wife. They had stories, choices taken, situations , troubles, brokenness, questions, to go through. But each had come to a realization of their need of God, of their creator, of His love, His forgiveness, their laying down of the old in return for the new. A new life is what I saw in each of them. His life reflected in each of them. That's who I saw over the weekend, Jesus in each one revealed and shining bright with truth and light replacing lies and darkness.

God saw and it was good... 

Right from the beginning He saw our possibility. He saw through eyes of faith, through a heart filled with love. He saw us, not what we were, but who we would become when we connected to the truth, to the word, Jesus was there right from the beginning. He spoke creation into actuality. The Holy Spirit reveals the truth, He shines the light, He reveals the lies and replaces them with the new. The possibility becomes actuality. The past becomes new as His presence, His love heals, He establishes Himself in us. He dwells in us. 

My pastor, pastor Sam, spoke last week about how our flesh is dead. It was one of those moments, when a whole sermon becomes one deep penetrating moment when you know God is going to reveal more to you. Over the next week He has shown me how we try to resurrect the dead. The flesh. We take it up and try and breath life back into it, this dead flesh. We are no longer that old man, that dead carcass, that rotting flesh. We are a new creation, we have a new life. A spirit man. Christ in us. He dwells in us. Greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world.  We are spirit. New life. When are we really going to let that truth sink into our understanding, and create in us all that God wants for us. 

This last week I had a little melt down. I started to believe in what someone else doubted about my truth. 

I started to feel and doubt what I was doing was right. That I was maybe getting it wrong. That the truth I believed maybe wasn't a truth. 

My feelings were lying to me. Do you know that our feeling aren't always based on truth. I had been given that revelation years ago. That feelings weren't always real. So when I felt this certain way I knew it was a lie, but it was hard because I really felt it. BUT I am no longer flesh only but spirit too. I asked the Lord to align my feelings with His truth and His will. I knew that I couldn't trust them but I didn't know why. I felt so lost, so alone. The question I was struggling with was did I really love? Do you know that the devil knows that isolation is a great time to lie to someone. My human support at this time was unavailable. But God wasn't. I prayed and then I slept. I awoke hoping I didn't feel the same but I did. I knew I had to deal with it. So again I asked God to sort me out to reveal the hindrance, the lie, the death, and replace it with truth.

I journal, I have for many years. and as I began to read over my journal of this last year I saw God's plan being revealed and worked out and spoken and dreamed into existence. I was blown away. He showed me exactly how He had been preparing me to accept my truth. I was able to see the lie, and the feelings started to change and align with the revealed truth. I went back to sleep and when I awoke refreshed, all my true feelings were back with the same depth and passion and life that they were before. I did love and that love was real and true. How awesome is God. He didn't just teach me, He showed me how to recognize and deal and then apply His wisdom and truth.  

God tells us to take every thought captive. Not to let them just run off in whatever direction they want to take. 

These last months have been some of the best but also some of the hardest too. 

God spoke to me through all this stuff that I didn't have to defend, that I didn't have to justify, that I didn't have to sort it out. He said, I am your defender. I am your righteousness, I am able. I have got this. 

It's tough to have accusation aimed at your character, to who you are and what you believe. 

But I don't walk as the old I walk as the new. God showed me that who I had become in Him didn't change because someone thought a certain way about me. Their thoughts, their perception didn't change me. My life and who I am is seen by those closest to me, my family, my friends, my church. I didn't have to justify myself and try to defend my action. It was freeing.

I have lived my life, I have loved God. Things and situations, come and go, change and grow. But the one thing remains. God loves me.

We were asked a question this weekend after one of the sessions, do you think you are special to God? I kinda laughed. Ok would I tell the truth and become transparent. I was in a group of 3. I trusted and loved them so I told the truth and one said I knew you were going to say that, I just knew you didn't struggle with that misconception. Do you know how I answered. 

I do think I'm special to God. I am God's favorite, I really am. (Yes you are too) But I really am!!! In fact He makes me feel that way so many times. I'm sometimes shocked when others don't feel the same way. Yes I know. I have gone through years of emotional struggle, at one time I would have called it abuse, looking back I may just describe it as life. My old one not my new blessed one. I believed the lie that I wasn't loved, wasn't beautiful, wasn't good enough, thin enough, smart enough, deep enough, I just wasn't enough...  But God took those lies and told me I created you so I could love you. You were created for my pleasure, and I started to let that sink in deep inside. I really do believe I am special, it makes me smile, even chuckle, I see God's eyes fill with joy and love as He looks at me with that wonder. I'm the apple of His eye, His daughter, His princess His love... I relax and feel the freedom more and more that I am becoming who He created me to be. 

Do I fail? Do I sin? Do I stumble and fall? Yes! Yes! Yes and Yes! But He forgives me. I don't feel worthy, I feel weak, I feel disappointment and guilt, a hypocrite.  But He forgives me. He loves me. He speaks truth and reveals and replaces the lie. I am flesh but I will fight against picking up the dead carcass and breathing life back into what is gone. I will walk with God. Every moment His strength is needed. His joy is restored. His passion is let lose. His life is lived in and through me. He is reflected and revealed. I hope in Him not me. 

I am loved by the great I AM

  

God Speak... I'm Listening!!

Have you ever had one of those moments, that you just know something is about to happen, you don't know what, you maybe even try to figure it out but it comes out all wrong coz you voiced it too quickly and before it had really grown it's fruit, that's where I am today.

The family have gone to the zoo and I am in much need of some peace and quiet. Too much has been going on, I feel I haven't spent enough time with my best friend and it's just me and him all the way today... awesome God, I am so excited...

What is He going to say, I tried speaking it out in prayer but it got too messy and confusing as it just wasn't there yet... Do you know what I mean, it was germinating not yet grown not yet in bloom. Anything great takes time, patience I am learning is no fun, no fun but very good for you...

I still have such a ways to go!!

I know that but I always try to fly before I can walk, it's just me, but the funny thing is I really like it that way. In my path to finding freedom, I no longer want to go it alone. I'm healed done and dusted, this is no longer about John, but about my walk with God in finding total freedom to be the woman the princess he adopted me to be.

I just wrote this to a friend on facebook who adopted their daughter

"it's just like new birth she gets two because she was made yours that day, Such an awesome thing adoption, we are adopted by God into his royal line, that is so awesome with it comes a lot of responsibility but so much authority as well, humbles you, you are the ones who were given this wonderful child, this beautiful blessing, it makes me feel so blessed, reminds me what real love is, it's a choice not just a warm fuzzy feeling, you are awesome and such a blessing, be blessed today, you changed a life and she changed yours, just like us and God so wonderful!!! so Happy adoption day"

This made me cry because I think this is what God is trying to show me right now. I didn't earn this relationship, I was chosen, adopted into the authority that a child of the King receives. Not a pauper, a slave, a servant, a worker, but a daughter. Do you know how awesome that is?

God, King of Kings, became our father and all that belonged to that relationship came with it. His kingdom is your kingdom, His authority backs you up, His standing is where you live, where you are, your very existence changed when He chose you... I really feel or believe we really don't get this understanding deep in our core being. We should, walk, talk, be different just by who calls us His... for being His child we should automatically be more!!!

I heard Heidi Baker once describe the authority her adopted kids took after they belonged compared to the kids that came for a visit. They had fridge rights, telephone rights, even couch and TV rights lol. That's what we have. When God speaks we listen... hopefully... After our adoption just because we are now named, stamped, given our adoption papers we take on a different standing, we won't unless we really believe He is our dad, not just the father figure but our dad, abba.

Yes let it sink way down deep!

All His authority He gives to us, we have His ring, His stamp of authority, His ear to listen to us and His command to speak.

Think about that really think about it... 

We know He has the authority over us, as we are still His children, but everything else comes into alignment with His will "If" there's that little wee word with the big voice again, "If" we allow him, we can be led to the refrigerator but we can't be made to believe that we have the authority to reach inside till we truly believe we belong...

That I believe is where God's got me today...

Do I truly trust this God, this Father, has He proven himself to love me like my dad?

I believe we go through stuff, hard stuff, we are allowed to question, argue, wonder, but from there we have to trust He is big enough, wise enough, strong enough and trustworthy enough and believe He knows what He is doing.

"If" yes "If" we do, we will be able to walk out with true authority the calling, path, journey He has planned and set before us, but our part is to truly have the Faith in the Faithful one, to take Him at His word and believe Him and trust Him.

Can I do that, I believe I walk taller, believe deeper and have more freedom to walk out my role as His daughter every day!!!

Let me compare it to this next part of my journey... 

A few weeks ago my pastor, friend and mentor went out to lunch with me, I thought I was there for a totally different reason. BUT God had other plans that day. My life changed and I listened to something I never thought was possible for my life.

She told me about marriage, then my marriage, and I listened! I didn't argue I listened, that in itself is a miracle, The seed was planted in the fertile soil God had prepared, He had raked, pulled out the weeds, tilled, fertilized, and watered that earth till it was rich in it's acceptance of the seed that was planted. That seed is growing strong, and deep, it is nurtured in the light and warmth of the Son, the King of Kings is it's gardner and I am blessed, so blessed...

She said my marriage was dead, not by my making but truth all the same that I had to stop being stiffed necked (looking back at the things of the past that were gone) and had to start moving and looking forward. She then went on to challenge me to become a participant, an active member in my own life.

I started to share about this man who I had thought about throughout the years.

In trepidation, I shared about one time when I was tempted to sin. I took a step towards him and I believe with my whole being was saved from myself and that moment of weakness by God. I have asked God to keep me right and in His will so many times, I have asked Him to be my strength, my truth, my shield, my warrior, my defender, my freedom and He has. He saved me from the wrong path and kept me. Yes I took the step towards the sin but He held me while I struggled and was weak. The man never knew what I had done until the time was right. 

Susanna felt discernment that day and boldly told me that was the man for me. I don't know why that was the day, that was the time but I'm so grateful she took that step of faith and strength. My life was changed that day I believe because God ordered her steps and opened my heart.

I didn't just step out of the boat, but I jumped feet first into the most fantastic, exciting, wonderful storm of a life I hopefully can be a part of for the rest of mine. I wrote an email, and he responded. Looking back even over this very short time I believe this is crazy, scary and from all angles so out of whack that if I thought about doing this again I think the storm, the wind, and the thoughts of who may be hurt would have shut it down but I have such peace, such joy flowing in my very being I have to trust God is doing and leading this. 

I am in love with the best man for me. I couldn't have dreamed this, or maybe the Lord set this dream in my heart. I love the verses in Psalms 37:4-6 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this, He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. That doesn't mean our fleshly desires but for us to be open for His desires to be placed in us. 

This man's life is tough, He has gone through so much in these last years, he believes the timing is wrong as everything is still too fresh and so new in what he is trying to go through in his life and the life of his daughter and family. There are so many parts of this that have to be approached with love and sensitivity. Others are involved whom are loved by him so much and could really be devastated and hurt by what is happening and neither of us would ever want to hurt. But he loves me despite all that he is living through. He has many layers of thoughts, many paths to walk, many hurdles to jump, many mountains to climb BUT I believe God loved him so much that He chose for him not to do any of that alone but to have a strong, healed and blessed woman to help walk beside him, supporting him in prayer but also by just standing along side him, not to sound arrogant but because I am so honored to say, that's me. I was made for this role. I was made to be this man's sole mate. Never before have I walked taller, felt deeper, glowed like I am just now. He has set a flame in my very being that just burns brighter every day. I am different because I am loved by this man.

I am a blessed beyond measure full to the brim woman of God loved by an awesome man of God, who gets me, fits me, thinks I'm crazy, weird, awesome, delightful, wonderful, not patient, who puts the cart before the horse and is overwhelming him but who is still willing to do this life with me. How awesome is that.

I am not blessed because I got a man, I am living out God's will for my Life because I got this man!!!!

I have flown in freedom just by the thought of him, when the reality of him sinks into my being and I am fully his, fully his woman, signed sealed, and chosen, I don't think anything will stop me.

Yes that sounds nuts but I get it, I know that I know that I am his and he is mine!!! I trust God in this relationship so much so that the idea of me has even changed. I'm different...

Now to get back to what God is saying, when this man responded, and it started to settle into my core being what was happening, I looked different, I talked different, I even acted different, I had less fear, more power just by the thought of who he is in my life. Let me explain, I am a single woman, in a leadership role in a church. Let that sink in, whether or not I wanted a man or not, the possibility that I did was still there. I didn't want one... but I was free to want one... Am I making sense... Sin is a choice... I don't choose even to think that way but others don't always see or feel or believe my heart. Walls are raised, positions are taken and I have feelings and discernment, I act a certain way, I am a certain woman just because of my status, divorced woman in church. My head changed that day, my thinking changed that day, my very being changed that day. Not because any man had reached out to me but because this man had. I knew him, I trusted him, I loved him, but more importantly his life spoke volumes to me, his character was there, his walk was there, his past was a road map of who he is!!! Do you hear me. I knew this man, I dreamed this man, I trusted this man.

God knew me, before I knew what I needed myself, He knew what I would need for me to accept this new role. Someone new and strange in my life wouldn't fit. I have known this man for close to 15 years. He is part of my family, my best guy friend. But he has been out of my life since John has, God took me to Houston, He protected me from myself. I have hardly said a word to my friend since John left because I know me, I know I am weak and I know how safe I have always felt with him. But I know God has and had to be my strength. God needed to heal me, guide me to this point. This man is now newly free through death and not sin. He has accepted me into his life and God will and has blessed it. 

God does the same... but deeper, better, and truer when He chooses us into His family.The possibility of who we are is there because of a relationship that was chosen and accepted. The price which was paid was the highest of any, a life for a life. All because he had a passion, a love, a plan, a future for us to step into, yes our part is to accept the position, the relationship, the very authority He has given us. 

Just like I believe, and think differently because of this man, and his role and the relationship he has chosen to become in my life which I have chosen to accept. I walk taller, I think deeper, I have more authority, I have greater standing because I am loved, I am cared for, I am believed in. He thinks I can do this. In fact he believes in me so much he knows I can. How awesome is that, the encouragement, the strength but also the responsibility I have in this new role is strong and deep. I am no longer living my life for myself, my children or family, I am living it with someone who loves me. My responsibility as his sole mate will become more fully realized as we step into our future not just mine. But I no longer walk alone, I have a helper who believes in me, and knows he will be there for me. God's like that but even better, perfect for us in that He is God, His beliefs are always true, His plan is always for our good, He loves us with an everlasting love, he will never leave us or forsake us, He is God, His character and who He is never changes, and He believes in us enough to want to use us to further His kingdom and bring more people into this wonderful awesome relationship. Doesn't that want to make you walk taller, be stronger pay the price and walk out your calling in the authority he has chosen for you?

This makes so much sense, not to harp back to the past and the bondage I have felt but in a brief comparison when someone doesn't believe in you as much as they believe in themselves it does damage. I had to heal deeply from what happened to me. We all have hard stuff to walk through but if we have encouraging words, a helping hand, and truth spoken into our lives, we can be so much more, do so much more, conquer so much more!! We can fly in freedom of God's love being realized in us...

But words have the power of Life. Proverbs 18:21 says "The tongue has the power of life and death" What comes out of a persons heart is powerful. Matthew 12:34,35 warns "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him." we have the responsibility to feed ourselves with good, truth and faith that comes from God and His words. 

I have a last question today, Do you want to see the light, the growth, from behind prison bars of your own making or of allowing someone else to en-prison you or in the freedom of walking out your one and only life in the freedom and liberty and authority and responsibility that the lover of your sole has for you and has chosen to give you? Accept the relationship, accept the calling, accept the authority and accept the price, which is all of your life not part but all... Free to fly in the Freedom of God's will for your life.

The below part in blue isn't mine the red link is where I got it, some interesting stuff!!

http://www.journalsoftheheart.com/2010/11/reckless-words-casting-stones-week-one-day-one/

Reckless Words and the Casting of Stones

“However, when they persisted with their question, He raised Himself up and said, Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7NKJV).

“ For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places”( Ephesians 6:12 NKJV)                            

Out of the Heart the Mouth Speaks

Beloved, put away all thoughts, words and deeds against others no matter how small and in inconsequential they may seem. There is no such thing as inconsequential word. They either bring about good consequences or bad ones. Even if they have a seemingly neutral connotation, to them there is almost always an underlying motive of some sort.

Thoughts contrary to the Word make mischief in your heart. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks (Luke 6:45). There is no such thing as a little wrong thought. Each negative thought you give in to makes way for more unprofitable thoughts. They build on each other one by one. So be most careful! Reckless words born out of wrong thoughts not taken captive to the obedience of Christ leads to mistakes and unkind ways.

Words not thought out before spoken can cause you to veer off the path of righteous ways of being and doing. Often times, words are spoken in relation to observations made about circumstances and situations you encounter. Just because something looks one way on the surface doesn’t mean it is as it seems or that it has to stay the same.. Choose not to come into agreement with visible negative facts but release the truth of My Word over the situation or person. Let the inherent power of My Word have its way. Agree with Me and not supposed facts.

I have taught you to feed off every Word proceeding from My mouth for I only speak that which gives life. Consider how others feed from the words of your mouth. Therefore, be mindful of what your say and create life, create hope. You will not be disappointed.

A Tree Is Known By Its Fruit

Beloved, I tell you to speak words of love— words of patience because I love you and want you to walk in all the fullness of My abundant life. I do not want you to endure the results caused by planting wrong seeds in your heart or the hearts of others. It is much easier to deal with things right up front than to spend precious time weeding out the garden of your life. This time could be used in much better ways. Besides, I have made you like Me. This is what it’s all about.

All the words I speak to you, even if they bring to light issues of your heart, create life. Once again, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. Adjust your heart attitude and your words will change.

Not only do reckless words plant a destructive crop of weeds, they will cause you to drift back into old habit patterns, opening doors to doubt and unbelief. Sin always crouches at the door of your heart looking for entrance, hoping to draw you into unacceptable ways (Genesis 4:7).

How the old nature wants to instate its place as head over all and to exercise control over your thought life—over your spoken word. As in all things, I give you power to overcome any such tendencies from the smallest to the largest, and to fulfill the highest commandment next to loving Me—loving your neighbor as yourself.

Remember, each tree is known by its fruit; each fountain is known by its water. Today is a day of graceful thinking and graceful words. Embrace it.

Sticks and Stones

Unguarded and ill thought-out words open doors for the enemy as much or more than actions. Many an unsound action has come out of ill-spoken words. The sound of your words continues on, creating life or death (Proverbs 18:21). If spoken directly to a person, they have the power to inflict wounds that last a lifetime. Sticks and stones break bones but words have the potential to destroy a heart —a life.

Why so much time on this subject? Ah . . . it is so necessary. I formed and framed the worlds with My Words (Hebrews 11:3). I used words to create fashion and to equip. Well-chosen words have the power to equip, to prepare, to train the lives of those around you in the same way My words equipped the earth to hold and sustain multitudes of those I love.

Words not only equip, they sustain and enable one to maintain a constant path for good or bad. One of the most beautiful results birthed out of words of life is the ability to bring chaos into order. My Words took a void wasteland and changed it into a garden. So can yours.

Choose life, and if you struggle in areas of critical thinking, take the time to renew your mind in this area with My Word (Romans 12:2). Speak like Me and you will be like Me in the natural realm. The inside will transform the outside. Call yourself what I call you and be changed.

Pleasant Words Are As A Honeycomb

Beloved, consider this; If you drove your car the way you speak, would you still be driving accident free? The course of hell is sat on fire by the tongue (James 3:1-12). Your words have the power of life and death. Choose life! Choose life not only for others but also for your own self. It is not OK to speak kindly to others and demean yourself. I desire for you to speak only beneficial words over your own life as well.

As your draw closer to Me in the days to come, listen carefully and I will put My words in your mouth. I will purify your heart and cause your fountain to only bring forth sweet water. This is a common plight to all men for all have sinned and come short of My glory but it is possible to live a pure hearted life without guile.

Repent and choose life! Ask for forgiveness from anyone you’ve hurt, disparaged or judged with your thoughts, words or actions and I will nullify them. I will release healing in their place. I will put a guard over your mouth and anoint your lips with kindness. I will cause pleasant words to flow from you like honey from the honeycomb. And like honey, they will bring healing to your mind and body (Proverbs 16:24).

Let Your Speech Be Good And Beneficial To Others

Beloved, let Me contend with hurtful words or wrong actions others have levied against you. Choose in your own heart not to receive them, and I will take care of the rest. Negative responses only perpetuate things and forestall the graces of My heart. I will take care of every word raised up against you (Isaiah 54:17). This is the heritage of My sons and daughters—to have righteousness, security and triumph over ever opposition. When you realize your place, your heritage of any need to retaliate or respond in a negative manner will fade away, enabling you to completely depend on Me.

When wrong hurtful words come out of your mouth in response, having destructive judgmental potential, they transfer intent and fault to another person thereby justifying your own position. If they have done things contrary to My will, it is My place to contend. I may use you to speak into their life if you are in a place of humility and not judgment. Love covers a multitude of sins and mercy triumphs over judgment (1 Peter 4:8 Proverbs 10:12). It is so for you—it is so for others.

Therefore, let no talk or language come out of your mouth unless it is edifying (Ephesians 4:29). If you think on whatever is lovely and upright, your speech will reflect it. You are what you eat. Eat the Word and you will be the manifested Word in your own life and the lives of others. There is no other way.

Know I am saying all of this because I love you and want your life to manifest an unparalleled blessing and fullness. Not only is it My job to do so but a most cherished privilege I do not take lightly.

Prayer of Supplication and Declaration

Father, open the eyes of my heart in this area and flood it with Your light. Please make me aware of any unknown judgments I have against others. I repent and ask forgiveness for all the ones I am aware of. I never want to side with the enemy or his tactics in any way. I am so aware of all my own weakness and hate it when people throw stones at me. It is not my place and hurts my relationship with You, obscuring the fullness of communion with You.

I forgive others for the stones they have thrown at me and forgive myself for responding in a like manner. You are my defender and I release all these things into Your hands. I release the stones and pick up the sword and Your Word, cutting asunder the enemy. I want my heart to be one of service and love. I choose to forgive as I am forgiven and love as I am loved. Father, I thank you for Your correction. It is always seasoned with mercy, grace and love building up; it never tears down. I will not cast the first stone.

Reflect and Journal

1.    Take some time to contemplate the underlying motives of even the simplest negative words you might be accustomed to thinking. What are some of these words?

2.    Are there some words you have spoken out of frustration or what one might call simple observation of the facts in your own life or the lives of others? Break agreement with any negative association and speak His Word.

3.    What crops in your life are you now harvesting due to wrong words planted? Repent, ask for forgiveness, and release anyone, including you, involved. Speak death to all weeds and tares and any possible future harvest.

4.    Examine the fruit in your life and you will automatically know what you have been planting by way of words or attitudes.

5.    In what areas or with what people do you need to develop patience? Submit your heart to the process and be willing for the Lord to bring to light anything prohibiting this from taking place.

6.    In what way are you framing your family, your job, or the world you are living in with your words? Take some time to really think on this and make adjustments.

7.    What chaotic situation in your life or the lives of others needs for you to speak a Word which can and will restore order? Ask Holy Spirit which Word you should use. He knows best.

8.    Take some time to reflect on any words you habitually speak over your own life. For instance, you could always say, “I’m tired!” If you constantly say this I guarantee you will be tired. All words great and small have the power to affect your life. Be careful what you say.

9.    Think about it, break agreement and embrace the truth in its place. In reference to the above example one opposite confession would be, “When I am weak He is strong!” See the difference. Both ways of speaking take the same amount of energy but have different results. Which way would you prefer to be?

10. Have you felt yourself on the defensive rather than the offensive with anyone in your life? Take some time to be in His presence and let go.

11. Have you let the actions of others in anyway justify any behavior in your own life?

12. What have you been eating? His Word? Wrong thinking? Anything else

Brenda Craig is a published author, prophetic teacher and Seer whose desire is to know the Lord in all His fullness. Her writings and teachings reflect a deep intimacy with the Lord. As a worshiper, Brenda has received revelation on how to take the simple act of “Soaking in His Presence” to a new level and developed a teaching called Soaking with a Purpose.