Out with the old and in with the new…

Out with the old and in with the new…

Out with the old and in with the new seems far too superficial to say about the subject my feelings are trying to tackle tonight. It’s the end of a passing in time of feelings long gone but which sometimes re-emerge.

Cliff met with John Sr.

Let me start with I am so blessed by the new that I am awed by God’s goodness towards me in that His creativeness and faithfulness are accordingly remarkable to me. Cliff liberated years of accepted healing in me, in that the hurts and feelings of departed existence become visible and felt a further.  My emotions surfaced once more at a time when I considered they had previously departed forever.

He went to tell him about us, and one of the effects expressed was that John would only trust Cliff with the kids and me and that their friendship was intact. I felt at first that this was so wonderful, but as it settled into my core and more of the conversation was revealed I became jealous and hurt that he could have this type of strong relationship with a friend but not his family. Why did he choose to constantly live in the expression of guilt towards us and as a result show frustration and insensitivity towards his children?  They have forgiven him and have tried to show love but are constantly reminded that they are not truly his any more that there is a new family to consider and take his time and emotions. I don’t know if they are a constant reminder of his wrongs and so he gets angry or whether he is just basically self centered and selfish inept at relationships and showing love as well as receiving it.

The bringing up of old hurts and emotions when they have been formerly laid to rest is somewhat disconcerting in that life has changed so much and so the emotions have to be dealt with in an unusual way so as not to cause further hurt. The terrible timing of all this comes at an occasion when my oldest son is getting married and is such a special and wonderful time that I don’t want to distress the family additionally in dealing with it just now.

I broke down and cried in Cliff’s arms and he held me.  Later when we told my daughter Kathryn her response was very similar and I held her as I had been held only moments before. She too felt jealousy at the relationship and didn’t need the answers of the past but the understanding of the present. Why did her dad choose to treat her this way now, when she had forgiven and loved him? We may never receive the answers we long for as sin has consequences and in a similar way that connection to God is broken so is Godly relationships. Sin creates a sense of estrangement from God, leaving a tarnishing film on a person's mind. Paul reminds Titus, "To the pure all things are pure, but to those who are defiled and unbelieving nothing is pure; but even their mind and conscience are defiled" (Titus 1:15). Sin perverts the mind so that one does not look at life in the same way as before.

What is God’s heart? We are commanded to love at all times and that love will remain when all else passes away…

So I lay this down once more as my choice that I can control only my response and nothing else. I am strong, I am loved, and I am blessed. I choose to be a mother that will be strength, a comfort and constant source of encouragement to her children.  In Proverbs 14:26: It declares, “He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.”