Out with the old and in with the new…

Out with the old and in with the new…

Out with the old and in with the new seems far too superficial to say about the subject my feelings are trying to tackle tonight. It’s the end of a passing in time of feelings long gone but which sometimes re-emerge.

Cliff met with John Sr.

Let me start with I am so blessed by the new that I am awed by God’s goodness towards me in that His creativeness and faithfulness are accordingly remarkable to me. Cliff liberated years of accepted healing in me, in that the hurts and feelings of departed existence become visible and felt a further.  My emotions surfaced once more at a time when I considered they had previously departed forever.

He went to tell him about us, and one of the effects expressed was that John would only trust Cliff with the kids and me and that their friendship was intact. I felt at first that this was so wonderful, but as it settled into my core and more of the conversation was revealed I became jealous and hurt that he could have this type of strong relationship with a friend but not his family. Why did he choose to constantly live in the expression of guilt towards us and as a result show frustration and insensitivity towards his children?  They have forgiven him and have tried to show love but are constantly reminded that they are not truly his any more that there is a new family to consider and take his time and emotions. I don’t know if they are a constant reminder of his wrongs and so he gets angry or whether he is just basically self centered and selfish inept at relationships and showing love as well as receiving it.

The bringing up of old hurts and emotions when they have been formerly laid to rest is somewhat disconcerting in that life has changed so much and so the emotions have to be dealt with in an unusual way so as not to cause further hurt. The terrible timing of all this comes at an occasion when my oldest son is getting married and is such a special and wonderful time that I don’t want to distress the family additionally in dealing with it just now.

I broke down and cried in Cliff’s arms and he held me.  Later when we told my daughter Kathryn her response was very similar and I held her as I had been held only moments before. She too felt jealousy at the relationship and didn’t need the answers of the past but the understanding of the present. Why did her dad choose to treat her this way now, when she had forgiven and loved him? We may never receive the answers we long for as sin has consequences and in a similar way that connection to God is broken so is Godly relationships. Sin creates a sense of estrangement from God, leaving a tarnishing film on a person's mind. Paul reminds Titus, "To the pure all things are pure, but to those who are defiled and unbelieving nothing is pure; but even their mind and conscience are defiled" (Titus 1:15). Sin perverts the mind so that one does not look at life in the same way as before.

What is God’s heart? We are commanded to love at all times and that love will remain when all else passes away…

So I lay this down once more as my choice that I can control only my response and nothing else. I am strong, I am loved, and I am blessed. I choose to be a mother that will be strength, a comfort and constant source of encouragement to her children.  In Proverbs 14:26: It declares, “He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.”

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!

As I lie here early in the morning I have been awake for a while thinking over the last few weeks and looking into my future and I realize that again I am in the middle of great change.

In just over 2 weeks time my eldest son will get married. I love, love, love Stephanie, his future bride, so I am at peace as regards to all his choices and decisions, but I will miss him. He's 26 and for all these years we have been together, he has grown into a wonderful man whom any mother would be proud of.  I am so excited for them but just a little sad for the miss we will have at home, he takes care of us probably far more than I take care of him and I just love having him around. I know he won’t be too far away but the day-to-day small things will never be the same. When I need a hug, or to be prayed for or just to share a thought, he will no longer be at home.

I know that at the end of this year my daughter plans to move back to Australia and work full time as a missionary with YWAM and that I will be empty nested. This also fills me with both joy and sadness. I have been so blessed. I did my job well and have raised my children to become strong independent adults. I am proud of them. Does a mother ever really let go fully? I will have to learn that down the line into the future. I love my children but I like them too, which is so great to say.

Changes are inevitable, I have embraced it, run from it, fought it and looked for it and have thought this is not easy but it is often exciting. It’s all in the perception of how you view it. I have to remember that God knows my future possibilities, my possible choices and all His plans for me are good and will work out for good as I give my life continually to Him and follow His leading.

Last week I got a picture of someone on a bike coming down a hill, the path was narrow, filled with holes, bumps and stones. The person had sometimes their hands out high at their sides with their legs out straight also at their sides free wheeling in joy, but at other times they would reach for the handlebars and peddles, I knew the bottom was coming and that an upward hill was before them. I asked my cell group what they thought the meaning of this vision was? Letting go of control, allowing trust to develop, the pedals are the source of the power, the chain linked to that source and to the gears. The bumps were trials and difficulties. Sometimes they would give up control and at others they would seek for their own control of their direction and power.

Life is like that, lately I have found myself trying to take back my control and going it alone a bit more than I should but on Saturday night a guy called Keith Wheeler who carries a cross all over the world was speaking at my church and the stories he shared inspired me to refocus on the source of my love rather than the bike, or the path I was on and headed for. We often forget that the pedals can help balance out our journey and that the gears adjust the tension and effort one has to give to the actual effectiveness of that journey. If we set it on high gear while a lower gear would create a safer, easier and less effort to our ride we would be far more effective in our use of our energy and would be far less likely to get burned out or stressed. What happens? We try to control, our trust becomes less and our independence rears its ugly head once again. We think we know better than all the years of wisdom, teaching and understanding that have gone before. Why do I do that? It leads to trouble. But gladly the Lord if we are willing enables us to get back on course.

On Saturday I regrouped. I had been struggling with the speed of my life, some things were happening too fast while others weren’t happening fast enough and by the end of the day I had gone through emotional highs and lows and come to the place of repentance and recommitment. I asked the Lord to become my all, and to take control once again.  I trusted Him to do a better job of my life than I was doing, that He was my source of all good things and I would no longer look outward to people or situations to give me my peace and joy.

With the laying down, the struggle ceased and as often occurs with release, the situation changed.

I love how God does that. He loves us. He knows us and desires for us to love Him not always for what He will do but for who He is. His character, His person, His past and the hope He gives.  Keith Wheeler brought alive how God turns up and everything becomes supernatural, in that things that wouldn’t occur naturally appear. That healing emotionally and physically takes place, that repentance and change happens and that lives are transformed because God loves them and they experience that love.

Life is complicated, filled with choices and decisions daily. I am there as is everyone. I have desires and I have sometimes sacrifices to make. I have to realize that God is in control. Where I will be this time next year, I have no idea, is that exciting or daunting? Probably a bit of both, but in and throughout my entire journey I am filled with hope and peace.

I have thought of changing the name of my blog from Reaching for Freedom, to Freedom Given because nothing I really do changes my freedom as it was already freely given to me when I gave my life to God.