I had a ladies retreat this weekend in Galveston, Texas, with my church and all the pastors wives were the speakers and shared their testimonies and a word that God had given them. Throughout the weekend I just saw God's love revealed in as many different ways as there were women there.
He made each of us unique, each special and beautiful. But do we really grasp that. We are created in His image but human. He didn't create us to be perfect but fallible. But His creation, us, we sometimes think we know better, that we can go it alone in our own strength using our own abilities and talents, no need to involve God in every part of our lives, our day, our existence, we got this covered, we understand this bit, we can take it from here. Or maybe we just don't trust, we have a wall, we are broken in some way that stops us from really connecting with our creator. We will work this part out, in our own strength, with our own mind and understanding.
This weekend I heard all these different stories. These woman who looked so beautiful, so pure, so precious, so put together, so at peace, yes they were nervous, some had never spoken before but they shared their stories, their journey, their lives, they were vulnerable, they were transparent, they were real. Wow!!! As the first lady spoke I was just overcome with emotion, and love for her. She shared her journey, her life and trusted God and us to be able to receive the truth. God is good all the time. Is He? Even in tough situations, even in cruel things, in desperation, in lack, in pain, in need. Do we really believe He is good all the time? I heard her, I saw her, she took me back into her past, it was hard, a broken life. But in the looking back I saw a strong woman, a pure woman a changed woman. God made that occur. He spoke into her life, LOVE... God is good but also He is LOVE. In telling her story I was overcome with emotion as I believed and heard her story but saw the woman she had become, beautiful, strong, pure.
I think over the weekend that's what I wanted to shout. God you have made some awesome women. Every woman, every pastor's wife, they had not always been a pastors wife. They had stories, choices taken, situations , troubles, brokenness, questions, to go through. But each had come to a realization of their need of God, of their creator, of His love, His forgiveness, their laying down of the old in return for the new. A new life is what I saw in each of them. His life reflected in each of them. That's who I saw over the weekend, Jesus in each one revealed and shining bright with truth and light replacing lies and darkness.
God saw and it was good...
Right from the beginning He saw our possibility. He saw through eyes of faith, through a heart filled with love. He saw us, not what we were, but who we would become when we connected to the truth, to the word, Jesus was there right from the beginning. He spoke creation into actuality. The Holy Spirit reveals the truth, He shines the light, He reveals the lies and replaces them with the new. The possibility becomes actuality. The past becomes new as His presence, His love heals, He establishes Himself in us. He dwells in us.
My pastor, pastor Sam, spoke last week about how our flesh is dead. It was one of those moments, when a whole sermon becomes one deep penetrating moment when you know God is going to reveal more to you. Over the next week He has shown me how we try to resurrect the dead. The flesh. We take it up and try and breath life back into it, this dead flesh. We are no longer that old man, that dead carcass, that rotting flesh. We are a new creation, we have a new life. A spirit man. Christ in us. He dwells in us. Greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world. We are spirit. New life. When are we really going to let that truth sink into our understanding, and create in us all that God wants for us.
This last week I had a little melt down. I started to believe in what someone else doubted about my truth.
I started to feel and doubt what I was doing was right. That I was maybe getting it wrong. That the truth I believed maybe wasn't a truth.
My feelings were lying to me. Do you know that our feeling aren't always based on truth. I had been given that revelation years ago. That feelings weren't always real. So when I felt this certain way I knew it was a lie, but it was hard because I really felt it. BUT I am no longer flesh only but spirit too. I asked the Lord to align my feelings with His truth and His will. I knew that I couldn't trust them but I didn't know why. I felt so lost, so alone. The question I was struggling with was did I really love? Do you know that the devil knows that isolation is a great time to lie to someone. My human support at this time was unavailable. But God wasn't. I prayed and then I slept. I awoke hoping I didn't feel the same but I did. I knew I had to deal with it. So again I asked God to sort me out to reveal the hindrance, the lie, the death, and replace it with truth.
I journal, I have for many years. and as I began to read over my journal of this last year I saw God's plan being revealed and worked out and spoken and dreamed into existence. I was blown away. He showed me exactly how He had been preparing me to accept my truth. I was able to see the lie, and the feelings started to change and align with the revealed truth. I went back to sleep and when I awoke refreshed, all my true feelings were back with the same depth and passion and life that they were before. I did love and that love was real and true. How awesome is God. He didn't just teach me, He showed me how to recognize and deal and then apply His wisdom and truth.
God tells us to take every thought captive. Not to let them just run off in whatever direction they want to take.
These last months have been some of the best but also some of the hardest too.
God spoke to me through all this stuff that I didn't have to defend, that I didn't have to justify, that I didn't have to sort it out. He said, I am your defender. I am your righteousness, I am able. I have got this.
It's tough to have accusation aimed at your character, to who you are and what you believe.
But I don't walk as the old I walk as the new. God showed me that who I had become in Him didn't change because someone thought a certain way about me. Their thoughts, their perception didn't change me. My life and who I am is seen by those closest to me, my family, my friends, my church. I didn't have to justify myself and try to defend my action. It was freeing.
I have lived my life, I have loved God. Things and situations, come and go, change and grow. But the one thing remains. God loves me.
We were asked a question this weekend after one of the sessions, do you think you are special to God? I kinda laughed. Ok would I tell the truth and become transparent. I was in a group of 3. I trusted and loved them so I told the truth and one said I knew you were going to say that, I just knew you didn't struggle with that misconception. Do you know how I answered.
I do think I'm special to God. I am God's favorite, I really am. (Yes you are too) But I really am!!! In fact He makes me feel that way so many times. I'm sometimes shocked when others don't feel the same way. Yes I know. I have gone through years of emotional struggle, at one time I would have called it abuse, looking back I may just describe it as life. My old one not my new blessed one. I believed the lie that I wasn't loved, wasn't beautiful, wasn't good enough, thin enough, smart enough, deep enough, I just wasn't enough... But God took those lies and told me I created you so I could love you. You were created for my pleasure, and I started to let that sink in deep inside. I really do believe I am special, it makes me smile, even chuckle, I see God's eyes fill with joy and love as He looks at me with that wonder. I'm the apple of His eye, His daughter, His princess His love... I relax and feel the freedom more and more that I am becoming who He created me to be.
Do I fail? Do I sin? Do I stumble and fall? Yes! Yes! Yes and Yes! But He forgives me. I don't feel worthy, I feel weak, I feel disappointment and guilt, a hypocrite. But He forgives me. He loves me. He speaks truth and reveals and replaces the lie. I am flesh but I will fight against picking up the dead carcass and breathing life back into what is gone. I will walk with God. Every moment His strength is needed. His joy is restored. His passion is let lose. His life is lived in and through me. He is reflected and revealed. I hope in Him not me.
I am loved by the great I AM
