Discover the beautiful Cavern Behind the Perilous Waterfall

Discover the beautiful Cavern Behind

the Perilous Waterfall

“Boast no more so very proudly, Do not let arrogance come out of your mouth; For the LORD is a God of knowledge, And with Him actions are weighed. “The bows of the mighty are shattered, But the feeble gird on strength . . . “He keeps the feet of His godly ones, But the wicked ones are silenced in darkness; For not by might shall a man prevail. “Those who contend with the LORD will be shattered; Against them He will thunder in the heavens, The LORD will judge the ends of the earth; And He will give strength to His king, And will exalt the horn of His anointed”

(1Samuel 2:3-4, 9-10).

Lately I went through a rather testing time in my life. Something I had thought was going to be such an addition of joy to my home turned into stress and tension, and caused me to fall into judgment and a season where I lacked peace and progressed into dryness in my walk with God.

Have you ever noticed when you think you are so strong in yourself that you turn your eyes away from God and start leaning on your own knowledge, understanding and strength? Your perceptions are distorted and line up with your frustrations, hurts and disappointment in the situation you find yourself in.

I had thought a decision I had made was what God wanted me to do. In looking back I realize just because it’s a good thought, the wrong timing and thinking can turn a good idea into a really bad one. It may seem as though helping someone could only turn out well but depending on who or what you are depending on to enable you to do this can turn the situation upside down.

What started with a heart of compassion and hospitality turned into wrong thinking and judgment!

Relying on my own kindness soon dissipated and dissolved because I had first of all pride in what I was doing. I could do this; hey I was Scottish we are some of the most hospitable folk around. I had learned from the best; my mom exemplified this calling, I had done this before and it was such a blessing to my family and me. I could speak into a life through example and words in a way that all the others before me had failed. Can you hear it, the stinking pride all over these thoughts! Where was my heart? The fixing of the sin not the caring for the saint was my focus. In looking back I wanted to receive thanks and a heart of gratitude. Again I was doing this on my own understanding. God never said anywhere to love because we would be thanked afterwards.

In hindsight I should have made my boundaries clear and precise. Instead my heart began to hurt because whom I invited as family accepted all the benefits with no understanding of the position. I began to feel such tension and stress because I was trying to measure up to perfection and selflessness when all I had was my flesh and lack of understanding of brokenness.

Where am I now? Should I stay in confusion and hurt or should I move past the apologies and break the feelings of pride trying to rear their ugly heads that desire to be heard and understood, which is not healthy for restoration?  No… I cry to God “heal me, give me your heart and squash this flesh”.

It’s so weird in the proving of my strength I discovered a part of me that I never knew was in existence. But that’s just like God isn’t it? He uses our feebleness to become undone so that we choose not to stay in rebellion, or in apathy, or accusation, or even disillusionment. However as I am blessed to be in a relationship with God who is cheering me on to victory, calling me in mercy and love into a new intimacy with him I discovered yet again my dependence on Him can never be laid aside because He wants me to come deeper and closer to total abandonment of my flesh and total commitment to His calling of being set apart from everything this world would expect which in fact is in total opposition to His character and heart.

It’s not our rights that He fights for but our hearts. Yes He collects every tear, He sees every hurt but when they are based on misconceptions and pride He won’t allow us to remain there when we have given our lives over to Him. We often pray for patience, for the Father’s heart to be grown in replacement of ours but when He uses paths that we would much rather not have travelled we squirm, kick and punch screaming for our own techniques rather than bending, or molding ourselves to His hands, the creator of all good things.

Remember He knows where we have been, where we are and where He wants us to go. He knows if we travel only the well-worn paths we will only arrive at the places that have already been visited. He wants to reveal His secret places. He wants to take us deeper through the perilous waterfall into the undisclosed cavern. Where we may swim in the pool of energizing beauty.

I want to swim in depth of His love. I have heard Him laugh. I have felt His heart beat. I have been carried in His strong faithful arms. Cradled in the crook of His arm. All of these places were perfect. I would not give up those experiences. This was different, difficult; a place of pruning; a cutting away of pride, the trimming of flesh that I hadn’t anticipated. I didn’t even know there was bad fruit growing, that unruly winding crooked branches of old remained. Pride is sneaky it can be hidden behind good intentions and will always lead to ruin. In yielding to God I believe I will come into an even deeper freedom than ever before. I feel blessed that He believed I could come through this condition of my heart into a deeper understanding of His.

Unlike David who moved forward into battle depending on the theology of a God he trusted, understood and had a heart after who knew he couldn’t depend on his heritage, his culture or his own abilities. He stepped into his calling knowing his past, understanding the situation because he knew his God had his future. I stepped into my good intentions, without consulting my trusted God, with the strength of my own abilities hidden behind objectives that called for an unjustified result. But I serve a God who uses all my confusion and chaos and transforms it into a trimming and pruning and destruction of the old falseness into even deeper freedom. Knowing He really is in love with me so much that He even tackles the stuff that is revealed through intentional pressure only. We are not promised a life without troubles but we are promised a life of love, protection, and growth if we desire and open our lives up to the burning off of the impurities until He sees His reflection in the gold.

    

My Year

My Year

Well 2011 has been a year of definite change. As my old year draws to a close, my thoughts always reach back to what has been & reaches forward to what might become. May 2012 be a year Where God's love is seen, His peace is felt and His power is demonstrated.

It is written in 1 Corinthians 2:9-16

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgment: "For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?" But we have the mind of Christ."

As you read take note when it says we have the mind of Christ, Let us put that on and 2012 and will be different!! The next chapter goes on to say that we are children, we are worldly, going in all directions, trying to gain the glory when all we do is only worth which is built on Christ.

At the very start of the year my daughter had a birthday and left for Australia to join the organization YWAM. She was gone for 6 months and went on a mission trip to Thailand. She grew so much and came home with the hope that she will return next year full time.

During the time she left my niece and her family came to stay for 3 months and it was such a blessing and helped fill the gap of Kathryn. I loved having my family in the states with me and it definitely gave me a taste for more. I began to see how I had changed a little from my roots and wanted to reconnect with caring more about people again, asking deeper questions in to those lives around me. That hasn’t been as easy as I thought as it takes time and effort and an understanding that you sometimes have to get involved in sticky situations as well as lovely ones.

I also stepped out of my own personal comfort zone and put to rest my dream and hope of restoration with my ex-husband and fell in love. I’ve written about both here before so if you want to read more look back. But I have to say I am one blessed woman to have fallen in love twice with men that I have called best friends. God works in mysterious ways and I learn each day to trust Him more.

The end of my time in university came and with it more change, more dreams and hopes for a different future. My son John graduated and I was the proudest mother ever such a wonderful day. The summer brought the returning of family to Scotland and myself for a few weeks, where I love to be but this year my thoughts were back in America so I came home to my daughter fresh from her travels, my family and my love with a happy heart.

I returned to substitute teaching and the hope of building a photography business. I am a procrastinator I have found, and I get caught up in the moments and the living of life, I helped friends and family, but haven’t really gone forward with this dream, which I hope to next year.

Then came wedding plans, my son was marrying and again one of my favorite days ever came and went, such an amazing day. They are so in love and it was so special to witness their union, he looked so handsome in his kilt and she looked stunningly beautiful in her lace dress. During this time my brother Johnny came to marry them and he did a wonderful job and the service was so beautiful and blessed by God as His presence was felt and is still reaching people through a video that was filmed. A gift of this was that John my ex has been much more responsive to his family and hopefully it will just get stronger.

As the year drew to a close more changes came when my two sons moved closer to each other but further from me. Kath plans to leave at the end of January and so I was going to be empty nested but God had other plans and a friend in need came with her son to live with us.

On Christmas Eve’s eve Paul proposed to Sarai so next year I hope will bring more blessing into our lives. I already love Sarai and think of her as a daughter so this was such a wonderful day for all of us as we watched him propose, so much love shone from both and filled us with happiness.

Now it is Hogmanay, the year is coming to an end and with that thoughts flood my mind with how have I progressed and grown this past year? I haven’t enough hours to change anything or learn anything more so what has happened has to be left to stand for 2011. What were my hopes this time last year? The Christmas season is a beautiful time of year for faith and family but it’s also a time where stress and sadness comes as well. It’s a tough time we are all doing different things. We get out of our routines. However I have found that I have had such high points but also such dry points in my walk this past year. I have been out of my routine in fact I haven’t had much routine, so many changes…

If I were to ask God for a progress report of my life last year, what might He say?

Chris started out shaky, developed some good strong points, cast visions, developed relationships, grew in patience, and was an encouragement and support to others but in doing so lost herself a little. She became lacking in discipline and restraint losing her focus as she sometimes focused on the wrong things. She was human…

This may sound weird but for a long time I thought the Christian walk was getting easy, I was growing, not being tempted as much, I was joyful if not always happy and tried to rise above my circumstances. I thought wow I have found how to live my life. But I ask myself the question was I really living life fully or just coasting until I was strong enough to actually become active in my own life. Then I got so caught up in living that I lost focus on God. Something I thought would never happen again. I got so busy being there, being available, and then trying to play catch up. You can’t do that. It will all come tumbling down if you try.

I’m wondering even now how can I fix this?

To the outside it may look as though everything is continuing fine. I am in leadership at church, I have a cell group where the members are growing in fact so much so that half of them will start the School of ministry at church in January, which I could say I have been a part of bringing them to. I have opened my heart and my home. However if they were to peal back the layers and look inside they may see a very different picture. They would see where I have failed, where I have let God and myself down. I have preached in the past with passion that your quiet time with God is where you are fed, where you grow, where your relationship is felt and lived. Where the love is nurtured. I’m not saying that I don’t talk to Him, I’m saying I play catch up, I play please forgive me again I’ve failed and let you down. Frustration, anger, impatience, wrong thinking all the opposites of the fruits of the spirit has invaded me.

 In Galatians 5:22-Galations 6:18 it is written

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load. Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor. Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. See what large letters I use as I write to you with my own hand! Those who want to make a good impression outwardly are trying to compel you to be circumcised. The only reason they do this is to avoid being persecuted for the cross of Christ. Not even those who are circumcised obey the law, yet they want you to be circumcised that they may boast about your flesh. May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. Neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything; what counts is a new creation. Peace and mercy to all who follow this rule, even to the Israel of God. Finally, let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit, brothers. Amen.”

As I read this I am reminded that yes I am human, yes I have sinned, what I sow I will reap but if you place it along side the verses in I Corinthians I can do better when I put on the mind of Christ. We are not left without hope, but with challenge, with a view of what we can do to improve. We are instructed throughout His word how we can face this challenge. I know when I began to slip was when I stopped making my quiet time where I would start my day giving my day to God in the morning a priority. Let 2012 be a year where I never let this slip, where I present my day, my thoughts, my struggles, my hopes, my plans, my strengths my weaknesses, into His loving care.

Let my life in 2012 be a life set apart for His glory. Where my report card will be a report of a growing relationship with Him, where I maybe human but I am also Spirit. Where my spirit man is stronger than my fleshly man. Where I persevere to overcome, keeping my eyes on the prize, of a life given over to God, is a life lived as a child of God with all the privileges and responsibilities that come along with that right.

What will 2012 hold for me? I know that Cliff, my love will teach me many things. Fruits of the spirit that I have lacked he has shown me already, gentleness, kindness, and goodness are all valued in his heart and are already changing me into a better person. Have we to grow each of us together? Yes! Do I help him as much as he helps me? I believe I do. I know that he is good for me and I for him. We have a road to travel in faith and growth believing God has good plans believing I Corinthians that we don’t know everything but we can have His mind to teach, reach and lead us throughout 2012.

And Then I met You…

                          And Then I met You…

As Cliff and I were praying tonight I had this beautiful picture of me and God having a confab about him and it went a bit like this...

Hey Lord look, look at him, isn't he wonderful, look who you made for me, look how he turned out, do you hear what he's saying? What he's asking? Where his heart is? He wants the best for me. He wants your best for me. He really loves me, do you hear him, I think he is so awesome, so wonderful, such a caring and loving man. Then God nudges me and says, Hey you look, isn't he wonderful, I know, I saw him first, I picked him out for you, I knew how he would be, I knew he would love you, you waited a long time but in My timing I gave him to you. You two fit, you will be good for one another, but don't forget Me. I've got to be in the middle, coz I love you more, each of you, grow in love with each other but along side Me. Don't lose Me, don't leave Me behind, take Me with you.

Lord, I won't lose You. I know You love us. My desire, Cliffs desire, is to have You in the center of our relationship, keep us in Your Presence always. 

No compromise...

My Journey Hit a Curve in the Road

          My Journey Hit a Curve in the Road

What are my thoughts tonight! Over the last few weeks there have been some changes for the good and it has set my emotions going in a wee bit of a rollercoaster ride.

Along with John getting married there came a change in feelings and treatment of the family from my ex-husband. My brother after the wedding prayed for him and as a result of this and some other things, he has been treating John and Kathryn in a much more relaxed and loving way and I think he is starting to let some of the guilt go and is now able to just be their dad. This is wonderful but along with this, it has left me with wow, everyone is allowed to be his friend and love him but me. I was his best friend but now he is the father of my kids and married again with one child and one on the way to another woman and I am in love with a wonderful man but where does that leave my emotions?

Some of you reading this may not even understand why I am feeling this way. You may say but she’s in love, their dad finally loves her family. Yes that’s true and wonderful but he was my best friend, my husband whom for the last 10 years I have prayed for to repent and come back into a relationship with the Lord and I don’t get to be part of it. I don’t know how I feel and I don’t like that as I usually can work out where I am coming from.

At first Kathryn felt a wee bit strange too as she thought wow dad is changing but I am leaving, but she is enjoying the change now and loving the open free way that they are able to communicate with each other.

I do know this though God knew this possibility, He loves me has blessed me with a wonderful love who allows me to process and helps me by caring and loving me through it, so I again don’t have to worry as I am loved and now get to love in return…

Wedding Day

Wedding Day

My Son became a husband and flew the nest…

I officially gained a new daughter today, I write officially as for a long time I have regarded her as mine so this day just sanctioned it.

It was the most beautiful and loving wedding ever. Stephanie was the most strikingly beautiful bride ever and John the most handsome man. From start to finish God was in the creation, the middle and the end and His presence was felt throughout. My brother married them and I was so proud of him and he did a wonderful job. Paul’s best man’s speech was funny, uplifting, honoring and made you cry and he did a great job. His dad was great too and said he was proud of him, which made us all cry.

To me it was a lot of change and letting go.

My son became a husband, man of his own house and he has to look after steph now, which is the way God intended, and I am so proud of him even though I’ll miss him in the house tremendously.

When I saw them exchange vows with all the love and joy that flowed I knew I was blessed beyond measure, they have been joined together by God and it was so wonderful to celebrate with them.

The day was nearly perfect and as perfect as we could have… God honored them in every way and I am so grateful.

Out with the old and in with the new…

Out with the old and in with the new…

Out with the old and in with the new seems far too superficial to say about the subject my feelings are trying to tackle tonight. It’s the end of a passing in time of feelings long gone but which sometimes re-emerge.

Cliff met with John Sr.

Let me start with I am so blessed by the new that I am awed by God’s goodness towards me in that His creativeness and faithfulness are accordingly remarkable to me. Cliff liberated years of accepted healing in me, in that the hurts and feelings of departed existence become visible and felt a further.  My emotions surfaced once more at a time when I considered they had previously departed forever.

He went to tell him about us, and one of the effects expressed was that John would only trust Cliff with the kids and me and that their friendship was intact. I felt at first that this was so wonderful, but as it settled into my core and more of the conversation was revealed I became jealous and hurt that he could have this type of strong relationship with a friend but not his family. Why did he choose to constantly live in the expression of guilt towards us and as a result show frustration and insensitivity towards his children?  They have forgiven him and have tried to show love but are constantly reminded that they are not truly his any more that there is a new family to consider and take his time and emotions. I don’t know if they are a constant reminder of his wrongs and so he gets angry or whether he is just basically self centered and selfish inept at relationships and showing love as well as receiving it.

The bringing up of old hurts and emotions when they have been formerly laid to rest is somewhat disconcerting in that life has changed so much and so the emotions have to be dealt with in an unusual way so as not to cause further hurt. The terrible timing of all this comes at an occasion when my oldest son is getting married and is such a special and wonderful time that I don’t want to distress the family additionally in dealing with it just now.

I broke down and cried in Cliff’s arms and he held me.  Later when we told my daughter Kathryn her response was very similar and I held her as I had been held only moments before. She too felt jealousy at the relationship and didn’t need the answers of the past but the understanding of the present. Why did her dad choose to treat her this way now, when she had forgiven and loved him? We may never receive the answers we long for as sin has consequences and in a similar way that connection to God is broken so is Godly relationships. Sin creates a sense of estrangement from God, leaving a tarnishing film on a person's mind. Paul reminds Titus, "To the pure all things are pure, but to those who are defiled and unbelieving nothing is pure; but even their mind and conscience are defiled" (Titus 1:15). Sin perverts the mind so that one does not look at life in the same way as before.

What is God’s heart? We are commanded to love at all times and that love will remain when all else passes away…

So I lay this down once more as my choice that I can control only my response and nothing else. I am strong, I am loved, and I am blessed. I choose to be a mother that will be strength, a comfort and constant source of encouragement to her children.  In Proverbs 14:26: It declares, “He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.”

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!

As I lie here early in the morning I have been awake for a while thinking over the last few weeks and looking into my future and I realize that again I am in the middle of great change.

In just over 2 weeks time my eldest son will get married. I love, love, love Stephanie, his future bride, so I am at peace as regards to all his choices and decisions, but I will miss him. He's 26 and for all these years we have been together, he has grown into a wonderful man whom any mother would be proud of.  I am so excited for them but just a little sad for the miss we will have at home, he takes care of us probably far more than I take care of him and I just love having him around. I know he won’t be too far away but the day-to-day small things will never be the same. When I need a hug, or to be prayed for or just to share a thought, he will no longer be at home.

I know that at the end of this year my daughter plans to move back to Australia and work full time as a missionary with YWAM and that I will be empty nested. This also fills me with both joy and sadness. I have been so blessed. I did my job well and have raised my children to become strong independent adults. I am proud of them. Does a mother ever really let go fully? I will have to learn that down the line into the future. I love my children but I like them too, which is so great to say.

Changes are inevitable, I have embraced it, run from it, fought it and looked for it and have thought this is not easy but it is often exciting. It’s all in the perception of how you view it. I have to remember that God knows my future possibilities, my possible choices and all His plans for me are good and will work out for good as I give my life continually to Him and follow His leading.

Last week I got a picture of someone on a bike coming down a hill, the path was narrow, filled with holes, bumps and stones. The person had sometimes their hands out high at their sides with their legs out straight also at their sides free wheeling in joy, but at other times they would reach for the handlebars and peddles, I knew the bottom was coming and that an upward hill was before them. I asked my cell group what they thought the meaning of this vision was? Letting go of control, allowing trust to develop, the pedals are the source of the power, the chain linked to that source and to the gears. The bumps were trials and difficulties. Sometimes they would give up control and at others they would seek for their own control of their direction and power.

Life is like that, lately I have found myself trying to take back my control and going it alone a bit more than I should but on Saturday night a guy called Keith Wheeler who carries a cross all over the world was speaking at my church and the stories he shared inspired me to refocus on the source of my love rather than the bike, or the path I was on and headed for. We often forget that the pedals can help balance out our journey and that the gears adjust the tension and effort one has to give to the actual effectiveness of that journey. If we set it on high gear while a lower gear would create a safer, easier and less effort to our ride we would be far more effective in our use of our energy and would be far less likely to get burned out or stressed. What happens? We try to control, our trust becomes less and our independence rears its ugly head once again. We think we know better than all the years of wisdom, teaching and understanding that have gone before. Why do I do that? It leads to trouble. But gladly the Lord if we are willing enables us to get back on course.

On Saturday I regrouped. I had been struggling with the speed of my life, some things were happening too fast while others weren’t happening fast enough and by the end of the day I had gone through emotional highs and lows and come to the place of repentance and recommitment. I asked the Lord to become my all, and to take control once again.  I trusted Him to do a better job of my life than I was doing, that He was my source of all good things and I would no longer look outward to people or situations to give me my peace and joy.

With the laying down, the struggle ceased and as often occurs with release, the situation changed.

I love how God does that. He loves us. He knows us and desires for us to love Him not always for what He will do but for who He is. His character, His person, His past and the hope He gives.  Keith Wheeler brought alive how God turns up and everything becomes supernatural, in that things that wouldn’t occur naturally appear. That healing emotionally and physically takes place, that repentance and change happens and that lives are transformed because God loves them and they experience that love.

Life is complicated, filled with choices and decisions daily. I am there as is everyone. I have desires and I have sometimes sacrifices to make. I have to realize that God is in control. Where I will be this time next year, I have no idea, is that exciting or daunting? Probably a bit of both, but in and throughout my entire journey I am filled with hope and peace.

I have thought of changing the name of my blog from Reaching for Freedom, to Freedom Given because nothing I really do changes my freedom as it was already freely given to me when I gave my life to God.

Open Book!

People say I'm an open book...

When I was little I had no fear of making friends. We would go on vacation as a family camping and I would run off to play, coming back after a short time with a new best friend. I like people; I love getting to know all about them, their dreams, their thoughts and their goals. I especially like to ask them what their view of God is and how is their relationship with Him. I think it all ties into how I am in regards to the open book part of me. I believe to connect, you have to show the real you, the part that might be a little uncomfortable as it's not yet perfect and probably never will be. 

In this technologically and socially driven world of Face book, cell phones giving you face-time, Skype and texts with video we are never alone, never far from connecting. I love it all but I love coffee and a chat better. I love to reconnect with my family and friends over Sunday lunch after church, it maybe my favorite time of the week. 

I have been blessed with a wonderful family and great friends some of them I have adopted as family. Living in a different country you have to push yourself to build relationships. I love it. Over the last years I shied away a little more than I had done, but then after my healing, started to share my life again and the Lord has blessed me.

It's one of the reasons I write this blog sometimes sharing it and at others keeping it to myself so that I can express myself a little more freely. I write and my thoughts tumble out. The Lord often shows up in my writing. It's such a great place to be, I feel so free and I believe was all part of His plan to bring that freedom into fruition.  I feel anticipation, an excitement when I write. Sometimes it's in my journal, or in one of my many notebooks, and sometimes here. I started a book, I published a photography book with my thoughts and poems, which I plan to expand and develop into what I know it can become. 

Why do I write all of that, what are my dreams today? 

I feel so loved. So cared for. Over the last few months my life has been turned inside out and upside down. I have many thoughts, many decisions, and many choices to make. But I feel so blessed as I know no matter what, God showed me perspective last night. It's not all about us. During prayer Cliff said God, help us to serve you and it was one of those moments that went thud, and dropped right into my spirit. We had been praying for leading, direction, wisdom in the many decisions we had to make. Where would we live, what job should we do, etc, and although I didn't feel overwhelmed as I believe wherever I will be I will be loved and in relationship and to me that is so important, it's what I need to be fully alive. But I felt that as is often the case we tend to get caught up in the small big stuff and forget about what God's purpose for us is, to serve Him, to be in relationship with Him. 

What did He want of us?

That is a totally different ball game or mindset. Where we live is important but wherever that is we will be apart from family. I have chosen this many times but it's always a hard choice, it's never easy being far from family. This year I have had periods where my daughter was half across the world, where extended family became closer as they stayed with me, one son moved out, while the other son will be getting married soon and my daughter plans to move back and become a missionary. These are all, huge and come with heart ache but also so much blessing. To see growth and development into healthy adults is such a wonderful part of being a mother. I have hopefully spoken wisdom into their lives and have seen them become ready to fly and leave the nest. In my daughter's case I hope not for good but I left my home at 18 only to return for short times, so in reality may well be. (This makes me sad as I'm really not prepared for this quite yet but I know God has such great and wonderful experiences and growth in store for her and I gave Him her when she was born so I can't do anything but trust Him now) My life will change, whether it's to be alone for a while or to dream I don't know yet. 

As I have shared I love taking photos, I believe my calling is to take God's photo. Through my art, I hope and dream of doing this. But I don't believe that is all I'm called to do. He gives us the desires of our hearts. I believe this totally. This is what gives me fulfillment, excitement, completeness. This is what brings me alive. 

I am overwhelmed by His goodness. 

Last week was a trying but wonderful week. I got to share more of my time with Cliff. I got to see the emotion, the raw and gritty, the real and I loved it. During Saturday morning I had time to reflect and I was overwhelmed by what was happening and I lost it a little. I chased rabbits all over the place, but in doing so God worked it out for the good. It opened a new part of my future life that I am so excited about. During my thought process I felt like bolting, but running away wouldn't accomplish anything but hurt. I chose to talk instead and Cliff had been doing some of his own talking. Honesty done with love is always a great combination. When we trust and ask and share and are open to the other I believe it allows God to move. Guess what? He did and prayers were answered and I feel so blessed.

Last night as Cliff and I talked he shared how he felt about me. I have never been filled with so much love. I felt like I could explode, that the balloon was being blown up and it was going to burst wide open, and all I could do was cry. I have read the book the five love languages and I feel as though my love tank has been running on empty for a long time. Not from God, or family and friends but in the man and women department. Cliff has a talent with words, with painting a picture with the spoken word which gets me deep inside. I believe and now dream for us not just me. Over the last few months I have started to consider both our families in my thought process.  Patience and God's timing has allowed my heart to be filled with an excitement; a love that I know is growing deeper. I am an open book. I want this family to love me. I want to love this family. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity. John's family accepted me to a point, we had moments of connection I loved them but never felt completely part of their family. I feel this second chance is for more than just Cliff and I; it's for his family to become mine too. Is that naive? I hope not. 

How does God want us to serve Him? 

He is a God of relationship. He created us for His pleasure, to love us. When we connect to that love we just have to share it. When you spend time with someone the relationship gets deeper, more fulfilling, there's more connection, and love is a result. When you really want to get to know someone, when you want to show them they matter, that they have worth, that they are valued, love is a result. 

It's a miracle.  It's why we are here. 

All through the bible God uses us to bring connection and relationship to His creation. He is love, when we share His love we share Him. In direct conflict is the devil he brings isolation and brokenness of relationship. He brings death where God creates life to the fullest. Jesus says it this way in John 10:10 (NKJV) The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. Isolation, loneliness, disconnection are all tools of the devil to steal who we were meant to be in and for God. 

Whether it's in the work place where he tells us it's not personal it's just business, whether it's in friendship where he says you can't share that, they won't accept it, they'll judge you, they will reject you, that's too much, they'll think you are nuts, or in family when he says you can't interfere that's their business and none of yours, let them work it out. I'm not saying there's not a balance to all of these but ask yourself, what is the result in and for God's kingdom? 

I chased the rabbit all the way to being alone, to losing everything. But that's another lie... Hebrews 13:5 (NKJV) Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Do you hear what that's saying? In others words, in your behavior, your achievements, don't be greedy for material stuff, don't try and get what others have but be satisfied with what you have. If you have nothing you will have plenty as He wont run off or give up on you, neither will He abandon you. It's not that stuff is wrong it's when it consumes your thinking, when it becomes the reason for your choices. When stuff becomes more important than people. The question is why do you work, live in that house, take that vacation, and do that activity? Is it just to try and fill a hole in your life, a need? Well that hole will only be filled with God. Nothing and no one else will complete you...